How important was knowing your partner's past when dating them?

[Anonymous]

Check this out- A gf of mine is going to counseling now because her DH of 16 years had had an affair. He denied it at first, and then agreed to go to counseling where it eventually came out.


But....... so did the fact that he had been married before. She knew nothing of this and they had a traditional 100 person wedding. Think of all those people that kept their mouths shut FOR YEARS.

Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check this out- A gf of mine is going to counseling now because her DH of 16 years had had an affair. He denied it at first, and then agreed to go to counseling where it eventually came out.


But....... so did the fact that he had been married before. She knew nothing of this and they had a traditional 100 person wedding. Think of all those people that kept their mouths shut FOR YEARS.

Insane.

Think about his horrible values. His family taught him well, and your gf needs to divorce him fast. Tell your gf to think of all the things she didn't catch......

[Anonymous]

I’d ask for partners. I know people lie about how many but if it’s too many I’m out.

If they’re “parents” and never see their kids I’d ask why or what’s going on with that.

If their credit is bad or they have bankruptcies or something I’m also out (I’m a male). I don’t want to date leeches.

If they have a criminal background I’m also out.

I would also check online for their names. I’ve been out on dates more than once with what turned out to be onlyfans women. They were looking for relationships and that’s fine, but it won’t be with me.

So yeah past matters a lot when you’ve built up a career and livelihood. I have a good financial and personal life and don’t want it ruined and past behavior is sometimes a predictor or future actions. I have no debt, no kid issues and no drama. I paid outright for my nice cars and have enough built up to pay for kids school and will be mortgage free in a few years. So if someone is bringing in a bunch of trash I’m taking it out with the rest of the garbage

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of this also depends on what you want in the relationship- marriage, kids, etc.

I'm late 30s and divorced with one kid, don't have any interest in getting married or living with another adult again. Have been with someone for 3.5 years and the only relationship I actively inquired about was the most recent one as it produced a child. Everything else before that, doesn't matter, and I think would only hurt me more.

And as long as you're dating someone stable and responsible, not sure why people, especially adults feel the need to know about the past number of sexual partners. What purpose does that serve? Does anyone feel good after finding out??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of this also depends on what you want in the relationship- marriage, kids, etc.

I'm late 30s and divorced with one kid, don't have any interest in getting married or living with another adult again. Have been with someone for 3.5 years and the only relationship I actively inquired about was the most recent one as it produced a child. Everything else before that, doesn't matter, and I think would only hurt me more.

And as long as you're dating someone stable and responsible, not sure why people, especially adults feel the need to know about the past number of sexual partners. What purpose does that serve? Does anyone feel good after finding out??

You don't have to feel good about finding out but the number has to make you feel comfortable. The one I'm dating told me he has had eight partners but he also told me he has had eight relationships. So I asked him again and he got annoyed because I'm asking again. He says he can't remember how many of those eight were relationships. He seems to hold back a lot because I have a feeling some of those eight we're just f*** buddies. And he won't say. I don't know how someone can just forget how many relationships they were in. I was only in love once and I've only been in one relationship.

[Anonymous]

Not important at all. And I'm glad my past wasn't important to my DH at all. (Happily married for over 20 yrs fwiw.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d ask for partners. I know people lie about how many but if it’s too many I’m out.

If they’re “parents” and never see their kids I’d ask why or what’s going on with that.

If their credit is bad or they have bankruptcies or something I’m also out (I’m a male). I don’t want to date leeches.

If they have a criminal background I’m also out.

I would also check online for their names. I’ve been out on dates more than once with what turned out to be onlyfans women. They were looking for relationships and that’s fine, but it won’t be with me.

So yeah past matters a lot when you’ve built up a career and livelihood. I have a good financial and personal life and don’t want it ruined and past behavior is sometimes a predictor or future actions. I have no debt, no kid issues and no drama. I paid outright for my nice cars and have enough built up to pay for kids school and will be mortgage free in a few years. So if someone is bringing in a bunch of trash I’m taking it out with the rest of the garbage

Yeah, that is the biggest dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check this out- A gf of mine is going to counseling now because her DH of 16 years had had an affair. He denied it at first, and then agreed to go to counseling where it eventually came out.


But....... so did the fact that he had been married before. She knew nothing of this and they had a traditional 100 person wedding. Think of all those people that kept their mouths shut FOR YEARS.

Insane.

This doesn't surprise me. It's rude to bring up an ex-spouse to the new one, and beyond rude to bring up a wedding that they had before.

[Anonymous]

Stop harassing your significant other. If you don't feel you can trust him, then you investigate in secret and/or leave him. But if he's done nothing wrong and you keep harping, or he discovers you had him investigated... he's going to leave you because you poisoned the relationship.

So tread carefully.

I married an older man who had nothing to say about his past. Given his spectrumy tendencies and his efforts by his mother to get him married off, I strongly suspect nothing happened. He didn't date, didn't get married or divorced, has no secret kids. We've been married 20 years. I like that he's a quiet and nerdy research scientist. It's all good.

[Anonymous]

I feel you really should know your partner before you marry, including their past in terms of marriages, significant relationships, and mental health.

I really regret one relationship in which I later found out he was sleeping with prostitutes as well as men and had been hospitalized for suicidal ideation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop harassing your significant other. If you don't feel you can trust him, then you investigate in secret and/or leave him. But if he's done nothing wrong and you keep harping, or he discovers you had him investigated... he's going to leave you because you poisoned the relationship.

So tread carefully.

I married an older man who had nothing to say about his past. Given his spectrumy tendencies and his efforts by his mother to get him married off, I strongly suspect nothing happened. He didn't date, didn't get married or divorced, has no secret kids. We've been married 20 years. I like that he's a quiet and nerdy research scientist. It's all good.

Yet if I hadn't asked I wouldn't have known he had cheated on his ex spouse. Stuffi like that isn't on background checks. Not all the time anyway. I wouldn't have known he had unprotected sex with the ap.

[Anonymous]

You just need to suss out STDs or risky behavior.

As for serial relationship people, I dunno. Ask more questions on his values, goals, confidence.

[Anonymous]

STBXDH spent three years three months in prison for stealing truckload of butter. He crossed stateliness to sell it. Fence would not pay for it and traded STBXDH some rare costumes instead. The fact that no money changed hands reduced sentencing but not all of it.

I was happy to know of this shortcoming. Now he works for a dental franchise. They will not allow wifi on premises so it is not ideal.

[Anonymous]

You need a little bit of information but not every single thing. I would be annoyed if people continually asked me about details when I gave them some information already. You don't need to know everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect to know a partner’s past completely and fully and this would be a deal breaker for me.

Yeah. That guy is shooting off red flags.