Drinking and Drugs at Private Schools - I need advice

[Anonymous]

OP, I also have a history of alcoholism in my family. My dad was an alcoholic as was my brother. My brother also got addicted to crack and it was dire for a while. But he has been clean for almost 20 years now.

There is drinking in every school, public and private. We had a "pact" with our son that he would not drink in HS, which he followed. It helped that he was in a group of kids who didn't party like that. They liked going to movies and stuff like that.

That said, when he got to college, he did start partying, and I am quite sure he went on binges. He's graduated and on his own now, and I know he does drink heavily at times and his drink of choice is an Old Fashioned. There is only so much you can do. They need to be aware of the background, but the disease will take over at some point. It is a matter of controlling it. He stays healthy by eating well and working out at the gym, but he has no intention to stop drinking altogether.. So far the drinking has not impacted his work or relationships. I am just hoping the best for him.

I think what I am trying to say is to realize that even though he doesn't drink in high school doesn't mean his behavior won't change in college. There's a lot of pressure in college to party and if you are inclined to do so, you will. Try to let go...that's the best advice I can give you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys, OP is asking which private school in the DC area have more or less drugs. Let's focus on her question.

yes, there are additional ways to handle this, but yes, some schools have more drugs than others. Let's be honest.

She also said-

Would also welcome other advice about how to handle this (even if it’s not school related)

Problem is all private schools have drinking and drugs problem. I went to a girls school in this area where a group of girls came to school drunk during a school day.

Holton?

This didn’t happen at NCS

[Anonymous]

Sports can also keep a child motivated to stay clean depending on the sport. Kids who have important early morning Saturday games whose teammates are working hard for that game will not be out Friday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every HS, privates and public, have drugs available to anyone who wants them. You need to keep communicating with the kids about their genetics, and how painful it will be if they become addicted (and that you will always live them, no matter what).

NP. Yes but op is talking about a culture of drugs and whatnot. Peers matter. My kids are at a school where drugs are not prevalent. Kids friends are at another school where the mainstream popular crowd is smoking a lot of pot. Drinking varies by the kid and school. Most of that is their friend group. Starting drinking earlier increases chances of alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have boys. We've always been very open and matter-of-fact about this sort of thing. The two biggest drivers of addiction tend to be 1) a genetic susceptibility to substance abuse - meaning check the family tree; and 2) age of first use. But, we also explained that genetics are not destiny. The brain adapts and changes according to its environment. If a 14 year old kid with a family history of alcohol or drug abuse begins to experiment with drinking and vaping and drugs and so on, that child is likely screwed and will face a lifetime of addiction issues. This is because there is so much going on in the adolescent brain that when you introduce drugs and alcohol to kids who already have a genetic predisposition to addiction, it often rewires the brain and derails normal development.

But if that same 14 year old waits until they're over 21, when the brain is more mature, then generally it will be perfectly safe to have an occasional drink or whatever. Particularly if they've grown up in a safe, loving, and supportive environment. Their family tree might be a disaster, but they won't be because they waited until the brain was more fully developed and over the years they've learned to enjoy and deal with life without resorting to substances to mediate how they feel.

Knock on wood. So far, so good. They know what addiction is and how it can destroy lives. They're both in college now and totally normal. Neither ever drank or used drugs or vaped in high school. But in college they seem to be pretty normal. The oldest has an occasional beer. The youngest doesn't like it. Neither do any drugs. They're both gym rats and runners and extremely fit. Neither has displayed any proclivity towards substance abuse. And I think that's entirely because we really explained how vulnerable they were to addiction given the family tree. And we drilled that early - like beginning of middle school. There's no avoiding drugs or alcohol in any high school. All you can give them is the information they need to make their own decisions.

+1
We have always tried to have this conversation in a way that doesn’t demonize peers or even responsible substance use as adults, but that highlights the two important points above - age of first use and genetics. Being exposed to their alcoholic family members over the years has been a powerful deterrent.

Like pp, ours are also serious athletes, and they are very into taking care of their bodies. Getting enough protein, rest, that sort of thing. So it is an easy excuse for them to not participate.

OP, all the schools have a subset of this culture. But importantly, they all have a subset that does not want to participate. I’m a HS teacher and have seen that second group actively roll their eyes and such at their peers who recount their drunk weekends. And the second group isn’t the geeky pencil protector kids. They’re normal fun kids. It just seems to have gotten more acceptable to not find drinking to be cool. These kids are also incredibly busy and spend a huge amount of time on homework, extra curriculars, etc. If your child stays busy with school and activities, they can easily find peers who center their social lives around other things.

[Anonymous]

Like anything, this culture varies by grade. A cohort may engage in the behavior or they may not. It varies year by year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be too far for you, but I think generally speaking the kids at Saint John Paul the Great tend to be the least likely to be caught up in that scene, compared to the other NoVA diocesan schools.

I would agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sports can also keep a child motivated to stay clean depending on the sport. Kids who have important early morning Saturday games whose teammates are working hard for that game will not be out Friday night.

Right, but they go out Saturday nights and other times. Some will even dabble during a free period at school. There are athletes at most of the major private schools in NWDC who smoke weed and not sure what else. I know, because they are friends of DS and I’ve seen them high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to NCS and most of my classmates did not use drugs. There was the crowd that hung out in the bishops garden smoking pot and senior year some of the "popular" rich kids (the lifer/spring valley/went to dancing school/country club types), but I never saw it.

Maret and GDS and Burke had reputations for being very drug-gy.

I think the more rigorous the better because then you attract more serious kids, whereas the less rigorous schools are more likely to attract more slacker-ish/partying/rich kid types.

She has three boys so commenting on NCS doesn’t seem to be particularly helpful…or correct for the current times. I have an US at the school and drinking is rampant. It’s definitely not a weed school (more of that at GDS, Sidwell, STA) but there is some cocaine use. A few years ago, a middle schooler had to go to rehab…just awful for the family.

I would like to point out that illicit drugs and alcohol may not be your biggest problem…many kids misue prescription drugs, particularly those for ADHD, and especially at rigorous schools. A boy at Sidwell died a few years ago misusing what he thought were clean ADHD meds but had fentanyl.

You are right to be concerned…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sports can also keep a child motivated to stay clean depending on the sport. Kids who have important early morning Saturday games whose teammates are working hard for that game will not be out Friday night.

Right, but they go out Saturday nights and other times. Some will even dabble during a free period at school. There are athletes at most of the major private schools in NWDC who smoke weed and not sure what else. I know, because they are friends of DS and I’ve seen them high.

Assuming your own kids aren’t athletes because there are games on Sundays and Saturdays for most travels sports now so even if a child doesn’t abstain for the season, most will for the night before which means Friday and Saturday nights are out. And many do abstain for the season- the kids who take their sports seriously take them seriously. But to answer your question OP, partying is everywhere - just like it was when we were kids. This is high school, they will find it if they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every HS, privates and public, have drugs available to anyone who wants them. You need to keep communicating with the kids about their genetics, and how painful it will be if they become addicted (and that you will always live them, no matter what).

It’s at every high school. Every. Single, one. I have an 11th grader and a 9th grader, both have friends at many privates and publics in DMV. The private school kids don’t have more drugs/booze than public.

[Anonymous]

You probably want a Christian non Catholic school if you are ok with prayer and being taught the Bible

[Anonymous]

I have serious drug and alcohol addiction issues on both sides and went to an area private. There was definitely a group that drank every weekend and I'm sure used drugs (like at every school!), but my friend group was generally disinterested until the end of senior year when college decisions had been finalized.

My mother talked to me very rationally about my predisposition often, but the most effective thing that made me never want to try a drug or drink myself into oblivion is that my dad took me to NA and AA meetings when I was 12-16. I saw and heard all about addiction, learned about the different stages of sobriety and how hard that is, and saw how things had worked out for folks that had gone down that path. (I will always remember hearing from someone who had been clean for 7 years and had just relapsed the day before. I was gutted for them.)
I realized pretty quickly that addiction was a lifelong disease I did not want to have a hold on me.

My advice is to talk to your kids and show them the effects of these substances early and often. You can't prevent them from being around these substances, but you can empower them to make smart decisions and recognize the signs of a problem early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They all have a drinking and/or drug culture to some degree—most all privates and public schools. It might be less of an issue at certain area boarding schools, like Episcopal, but I’m not certain. St Anselms Abbey might be another possibility. BASIS in McLean perhaps?

Attending St Albans as a boarding student while coming home on the weekends, or certain weekends, is another possibility.

+1 My child’s single sex boarding school doesn’t have much of a party or drug culture. There is a bit, but the one case I heard of thru the grapevine was promptly kicked out for vaping. There is zero tolerance for this there. I think it is the same at most single sex boarding schools. I think also the more rigorous and smaller school - the less partying. It is much easier to keep track of. My child said administration told the students “we saw drinking on your social media account” (as a warning), so evidently they check that way, too? Plus, my kid and all their friends are scared to mess up their college chances. I vote for St. Anselms or St. Alban’s if they can get in. I feel less sure about Episcopal due to the co-Ed environment. Maybe a parent can weigh in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They all have a drinking and/or drug culture to some degree—most all privates and public schools. It might be less of an issue at certain area boarding schools, like Episcopal, but I’m not certain. St Anselms Abbey might be another possibility. BASIS in McLean perhaps?

Attending St Albans as a boarding student while coming home on the weekends, or certain weekends, is another possibility.

+1 My child’s single sex boarding school doesn’t have much of a party or drug culture. There is a bit, but the one case I heard of thru the grapevine was promptly kicked out for vaping. There is zero tolerance for this there. I think it is the same at most single sex boarding schools. I think also the more rigorous and smaller school - the less partying. It is much easier to keep track of. My child said administration told the students “we saw drinking on your social media account” (as a warning), so evidently they check that way, too? Plus, my kid and all their friends are scared to mess up their college chances. I vote for St. Anselms or St. Alban’s if they can get in. I feel less sure about Episcopal due to the co-Ed environment. Maybe a parent can weigh in.

For St. Albans specifically, applying as a boarding student might be worth looking into. (Another parent wrote about the rampant drug use at Episcopal.)