Dealing with pushy/high-conflict parents going behind your back to spouse

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, but you need to cut them off for a long while, and then keep them at arms' length. They are abusive and the situation is serious. This jumps out of the page.

You can continue to suffer and complain, or you can tell your parents (by email or text if you can't say it in person or by phone): "You have been abusive for many years. I can't take it anymore. This is the end until you come to your sense and treat us with respect". Given your description, I don't think this relationship is salvageable, but when they're old and diminished, they might crawl back and make nice, to try and get someone to care for them. You will then decide whether you want to help them or not.

It's hard for an adult who has been raised by controlling and abusive parents to understand how much freedom they have. You have so much freedom! You decide to end this cycle today. I'm sure your spouse would be happy to never have to deal with your parents again. Even if the rest of the family initially takes their side, because your parents are going to phone everyone to complain about what an ungrateful brat you are... you earn your own money, you socialize with the friends you pick, you can create your own family. You don't actually need to go to family gatherings and holidays if your parents are going to poison them.

You only have one life, OP. Don't be miserable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend that you read this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents https://bookshop.org/p/books/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents-lib-e-how-to-heal-from-distant-rejecting-or-self-involved-parents-lindsay-c-gibson/16712089?ean=9781626251700. I got it from the library, insisted my DH read it, and then he insisted that we buy it because he liked it so much. It applied to both of our parents (in different ways). It really helps you see things from an outsider's perspective, and hopefully it will help you understand how to deal with your parents.

You're not in the wrong; they are being too demanding and pushy. My mother also used to tell me that I was a bad mother, but it wasn't true, and it's not true that you're a bad dad, either. You're doing your best for your family, which doesn't necessarily include what is best for your parents. That's fine; your DW and DC come first.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on starting to realize your parents are problematic. Your job now is to stand up to your family and yourself, and not let them railroad you. If you don't, you'll do as they please for however long they live and destroy your relationship with your wife and son in the process. What you need to do is stop responding. You respond once saying what you can or cannot do and after that tell them to stop. Don't see them every other weekend. Say you (and your family) have other plans. Only communicate if they behave normally. Be aware that they will tell other relatives all kinds of nasty things about you, made up if necessary, and you may hear from other relatives as well. Be prepared. The only way out is through. Realize that if you let them walk all over you, they'll never stop. Your own family (wife and son) gave you a chance to stand up to them.

[Anonymous]

Also wanted to add that putting someone down (you're a bad father) is a way to get under your skin, I hope you realize that.

[Anonymous]

You sound enmeshed with your mother, which is not surprising since your parents have a difficult marriage that has resulted in her going to you for emotional support. This has probably been going on since you were a child. Going around you to your wife feels normal to her since she has been going around your father to you (triangulation) to get her needs met. You need to work with a therapist who is familiar with family enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

To be fair, it’s a big lesson to learn when this is how things have been in his family for his whole life. Extracting yourself from what feels normal to you, even when that normal is painful, is a really big deal and takes a lot of emotional work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

So what? It's a difficult situation and he probably loves his parents even though he doesn't like them most of the time. Not everyone is ready to completely cut off their parents on a moment's notice.

Though I think OP should set some firm boundaries and stick to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

To be fair, it’s a big lesson to learn when this is how things have been in his family for his whole life. Extracting yourself from what feels normal to you, even when that normal is painful, is a really big deal and takes a lot of emotional work.

+1. That's why he needs professional help, not DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

To be fair, it’s a big lesson to learn when this is how things have been in his family for his whole life. Extracting yourself from what feels normal to you, even when that normal is painful, is a really big deal and takes a lot of emotional work.

PP you replied to. I've lived it. I had a terrible mother and escaped at 22 to go to grad school a continent away, where I got married and had kids. I still came back to visit occasionally, and it's only when she started on my kids that I cut her off. But the relationship had been at arms length before that. Years later, she's old and frail and has toned down the rhetoric significantly, because she realizes I'm her only kid and who is going to help her? So I talk to her, help her out with medical stuff, out of basic human decency. I do not get entangled emotionally. That's all over and done with.

It's amazing how some adults can be unpleasant all their lives, and only become friendly when they realize they've pushed everyone away and need to rope someone back in to help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

To be fair, it’s a big lesson to learn when this is how things have been in his family for his whole life. Extracting yourself from what feels normal to you, even when that normal is painful, is a really big deal and takes a lot of emotional work.

PP you replied to. I've lived it. I had a terrible mother and escaped at 22 to go to grad school a continent away, where I got married and had kids. I still came back to visit occasionally, and it's only when she started on my kids that I cut her off. But the relationship had been at arms length before that. Years later, she's old and frail and has toned down the rhetoric significantly, because she realizes I'm her only kid and who is going to help her? So I talk to her, help her out with medical stuff, out of basic human decency. I do not get entangled emotionally. That's all over and done with.

It's amazing how some adults can be unpleasant all their lives, and only become friendly when they realize they've pushed everyone away and need to rope someone back in to help them.

Why is that amazing? It's self-preservation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The quickest way to know when someone is being unreasonable is when they accuse another adult of "being disrespectful". It's a red flag waving. The only people I know who complain about family being disrespectful to them and people who have wildly unreasonable expectations of others.

Read up on "grey rock" and narcissism. They might not be full blown narcs, but they might have a touch of it here or there.

"Selfish" is a big favorite insult/tactic among some of the most selfish people I know. They project it onto others and try to manipulate. It is especially rich when the they use the insult while throwing a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recommend that you read this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents https://bookshop.org/p/books/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents-lib-e-how-to-heal-from-distant-rejecting-or-self-involved-parents-lindsay-c-gibson/16712089?ean=9781626251700. I got it from the library, insisted my DH read it, and then he insisted that we buy it because he liked it so much. It applied to both of our parents (in different ways). It really helps you see things from an outsider's perspective, and hopefully it will help you understand how to deal with your parents.

You're not in the wrong; they are being too demanding and pushy. My mother also used to tell me that I was a bad mother, but it wasn't true, and it's not true that you're a bad dad, either. You're doing your best for your family, which doesn't necessarily include what is best for your parents. That's fine; your DW and DC come first.

I second that recommendation.That book is pure gold. It helped me let go on "my healing fantasy" with mom and just accept her as entitled and dramatic with some abusive tendencies. I focused on managing things and being relational, but could finally give up the dream of having a real relationship with love and trust. I am better able to step back and observe her like I am Jane Goodall watching a female ape desperate to be the alpha who intimidates all the other apes into submission. It drives her insane I don't react and calmly respond to her dramatics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've got a feeling OP will continue to whine on DCUM for years and never cut off his parents as he should. It's going to be another one of these exhausting "I can't learn my lesson" posters.

To be fair, it’s a big lesson to learn when this is how things have been in his family for his whole life. Extracting yourself from what feels normal to you, even when that normal is painful, is a really big deal and takes a lot of emotional work.

Agree, and the fact that OP is asking if this is reasonable shows he's just at the beginning of this journey. OP, I suggest counseling for you. Your parents have done a job on you, professional support would be really helpful for you as you determine how to move forward.

[Anonymous]

They are not in charge of your family. They see themselves as the head of your household and that needs to change. Set boundaries and hold to them. At first things will get much worse. Hold strong.