Dealing with pushy/high-conflict parents going behind your back to spouse

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP of this thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1216900.page

My parents don't have a very healthy or harmonious marriage (i.e. speak ill of each other to others, constantly bicker and fight even with company over, my dad has secret credit cards, etc.).

Basically, if my mom doesn't agree with something I say or do she will almost always try to pull my wife in (@ mentioning her in iMessage threads, texting and calling her directly to talk to me and "see things the right way"). At first my wife would be polite and indulge her, but it just made the problem worse. Like there's some backdoor escalation point in our marriage if they don't like what their son has told them. I told them in no uncertain terms to please stop involving my wife in their dysfunction and trying to get between spouses, or else they won't see us and our child for a while. Sure enough my mother did it again, defended her action because I was being "disrespectful", and so I have set the boundary.

Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone have any tips?

[Anonymous]

Hold firm to your boundaries. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

I've had meddling relatives, although none tried to bypass me to get to my DH. But the very fact that they tried to insert themselves in my marriage was very damaging.

[Anonymous]

Are you a man/woman couple? I feel like you keep switching genders for some reason and it is very confusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a man/woman couple? I feel like you keep switching genders for some reason and it is very confusing.

Yes. I am a man and my wife is a woman.

[Anonymous]

You're not being unreasonable. You put your mom in a time-out. She obviously has issues (manipulative at best, maybe with a personality disorder) and is triangulating to remain in control. This is a classic behavior. Your wife should tell her to contact you with any issues and then stop responding.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really need to stop engaging on some of these topics with your parents. I just read your beach thread, and there is NO scenario where you should have been in dialogue at all with your mom about where to stay. The only thing you should she said (if you wanted them to come) was something like, “We are going to the beach this summer on these dates. We’ve booked a house with an extra bedroom so we’d love for you to join us for part of it.” If they complain, just say “Sorry you feel this way. We will miss you and can try another time.”

On your more recent issue, can you give us an example? You and your wife are grown adults. What in the world are you engaging with your parents about that they “don’t agree” with you about. You don’t need their permission or blessing anymore on your decisions. Just decide and do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1216900.page

My parents don't have a very healthy or harmonious marriage (i.e. speak ill of each other to others, constantly bicker and fight even with company over, my dad has secret credit cards, etc.).

Basically, if my mom doesn't agree with something I say or do she will almost always try to pull my wife in (@ mentioning her in iMessage threads, texting and calling her directly to talk to me and "see things the right way"). At first my wife would be polite and indulge her, but it just made the problem worse. Like there's some backdoor escalation point in our marriage if they don't like what their son has told them. I told them in no uncertain terms to please stop involving my wife in their dysfunction and trying to get between spouses, or else they won't see us and our child for a while. Sure enough my mother did it again, defended her action because I was being "disrespectful", and so I have set the boundary.

Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone have any tips?

This is a huge problem. You should greatly dial back what your parents know or what you say to them. Your mom especially is a hardass and pushy so it's going to be rough, but you need to go through it to get to a better place. If you must say something, don't tell them what you're considering just be ambiguous until you and DW have made a FIRM decision. Your family (you, wife and child) deserves peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to stop engaging on some of these topics with your parents. I just read your beach thread, and there is NO scenario where you should have been in dialogue at all with your mom about where to stay. The only thing you should she said (if you wanted them to come) was something like, “We are going to the beach this summer on these dates. We’ve booked a house with an extra bedroom so we’d love for you to join us for part of it.” If they complain, just say “Sorry you feel this way. We will miss you and can try another time.”

On your more recent issue, can you give us an example? You and your wife are grown adults. What in the world are you engaging with your parents about that they “don’t agree” with you about. You don’t need their permission or blessing anymore on your decisions. Just decide and do it.

Long-winded but here you go:

After the beach trip we needed some space. They were a nightmare to plan with and then they actually threatened to cancel on us last minute several times before finally coming down. They also have an expectation they see our son every other weekend. They will text, and if they don't hear back they call. And text. And call. Over and over. It just gets to be borderline stalkerish. I've asked several times if they can relax on the texts and calls, if they don't hear back immediately to assume we're busy, yet it continues.

Yesterday they sent me a message basically saying I was being rude and disrespectful to them by not responding to all their texts. I just said we were busy this weekend and if they want something from me they shouldn't open by insulting me. They both individually sent these long attacking messages about how disrespectful I am to my parents, how I'm a bad father doing my son a disservice by denying him grandparent time, all they've done for me as a kid, etc.

[Anonymous]

Are you Asian? This level of controlling and incessant talk of respect and what they did for you as a kid... all sound very familiar.

You need to set some hard boundaries and stick to them. I understand you may want to cave b/c of the baby and grandparent time, yadda yadda. But your mom will not learn to behave all by herself. I regret letting my own mom walk all over me, right up until she died. The resentment I felt was eating me alive for a long time afterward.

[Anonymous]

We had multiple crises in our early married life before I finally understood that I needed to cut my mother off for a while, then renew contact carefully and forever hold her at a distance. I grieved a bond I could never have with my mother, but I developed a really close bond with my (now young adult) son and (now teen) daughter over the years, to make-up for it. I have always treated them with fundamental respect and given them age-appropriate agency, unlike what my mother did to me, and I am now reaping the rewards. You can break the cycle, OP. This is what's most important.

We're an mixed white-Asian family, BTW. But it wasn't the Asian side that proved problematic, it was my very white mother!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to stop engaging on some of these topics with your parents. I just read your beach thread, and there is NO scenario where you should have been in dialogue at all with your mom about where to stay. The only thing you should she said (if you wanted them to come) was something like, “We are going to the beach this summer on these dates. We’ve booked a house with an extra bedroom so we’d love for you to join us for part of it.” If they complain, just say “Sorry you feel this way. We will miss you and can try another time.”

On your more recent issue, can you give us an example? You and your wife are grown adults. What in the world are you engaging with your parents about that they “don’t agree” with you about. You don’t need their permission or blessing anymore on your decisions. Just decide and do it.

Long-winded but here you go:

After the beach trip we needed some space. They were a nightmare to plan with and then they actually threatened to cancel on us last minute several times before finally coming down. They also have an expectation they see our son every other weekend. They will text, and if they don't hear back they call. And text. And call. Over and over. It just gets to be borderline stalkerish. I've asked several times if they can relax on the texts and calls, if they don't hear back immediately to assume we're busy, yet it continues.

Yesterday they sent me a message basically saying I was being rude and disrespectful to them by not responding to all their texts. I just said we were busy this weekend and if they want something from me they shouldn't open by insulting me. They both individually sent these long attacking messages about how disrespectful I am to my parents, how I'm a bad father doing my son a disservice by denying him grandparent time, all they've done for me as a kid, etc.

THIS IS ABUSE. There is not cultural excuse, at all. I am Asian and none of my Asian relatives act this way.

You need to cut them off, OP. It's the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to stop engaging on some of these topics with your parents. I just read your beach thread, and there is NO scenario where you should have been in dialogue at all with your mom about where to stay. The only thing you should she said (if you wanted them to come) was something like, “We are going to the beach this summer on these dates. We’ve booked a house with an extra bedroom so we’d love for you to join us for part of it.” If they complain, just say “Sorry you feel this way. We will miss you and can try another time.”

On your more recent issue, can you give us an example? You and your wife are grown adults. What in the world are you engaging with your parents about that they “don’t agree” with you about. You don’t need their permission or blessing anymore on your decisions. Just decide and do it.

Long-winded but here you go:

After the beach trip we needed some space. They were a nightmare to plan with and then they actually threatened to cancel on us last minute several times before finally coming down. They also have an expectation they see our son every other weekend. They will text, and if they don't hear back they call. And text. And call. Over and over. It just gets to be borderline stalkerish. I've asked several times if they can relax on the texts and calls, if they don't hear back immediately to assume we're busy, yet it continues.

Yesterday they sent me a message basically saying I was being rude and disrespectful to them by not responding to all their texts. I just said we were busy this weekend and if they want something from me they shouldn't open by insulting me. They both individually sent these long attacking messages about how disrespectful I am to my parents, how I'm a bad father doing my son a disservice by denying him grandparent time, all they've done for me as a kid, etc.

Yes you need to take some steps back. They feel entitled to your time and decisions. First: protect your wife. Don't let them triangulate the 2 of you. She needs to deflect all questions that come to her back to you. She should stop responding to group texts for the most part and let you do all the coordinating.

Now you will need a back bone. You decide with your wife what you would like, and then you IGNORE all their complaining. It will be hard! They will ramp it up! They will start dragging in big emotions and eventually go for your soft spots. Have some canned lines that you use to de-escalate things. "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "this is what we've decided, I realize you don't like it" are good ones.

If they are good people/grandparents, just emotionally immature, you can maybe meld them a bit and things will get better with time. But if they aren't, and you've just been skating by the emotional abuse and ignoring it, it WILL come to a head now that you have a child and a wife.

Just remember that if you are making the right choice for you, your wife and child, it DOES NOT MATTER how they feel about. They can have all the feelings they want! Those aren't your problem, the feelings are their problem. Stay kind but stop taking ownership of their feelings.

[Anonymous]

The quickest way to know when someone is being unreasonable is when they accuse another adult of "being disrespectful". It's a red flag waving. The only people I know who complain about family being disrespectful to them and people who have wildly unreasonable expectations of others.

Read up on "grey rock" and narcissism. They might not be full blown narcs, but they might have a touch of it here or there.

[Anonymous]

Have you read the book “Boundaries”, author name is Cloud? I think it would help you. You need to figure out how to be separate from your mother. You care waaaaaay too much about what she thinks and you tell her waaaaaay too much about your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1216900.page

My parents don't have a very healthy or harmonious marriage (i.e. speak ill of each other to others, constantly bicker and fight even with company over, my dad has secret credit cards, etc.).

Basically, if my mom doesn't agree with something I say or do she will almost always try to pull my wife in (@ mentioning her in iMessage threads, texting and calling her directly to talk to me and "see things the right way"). At first my wife would be polite and indulge her, but it just made the problem worse. Like there's some backdoor escalation point in our marriage if they don't like what their son has told them. I told them in no uncertain terms to please stop involving my wife in their dysfunction and trying to get between spouses, or else they won't see us and our child for a while. Sure enough my mother did it again, defended her action because I was being "disrespectful", and so I have set the boundary.

Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone have any tips?

The fact you even ask this question makes me think you are only at the very beginning of your journey of learning how to manage your parents. You have to pull back from them and let them go off without being dragged into their mess.

Their emotional response to you saying no is their problem to manage, not yours. This is a very fundamental lesson that you need to learn. Reread that sentence again and keep it at the forefront of your mind. Put it on a sticky in your bathroom mirror or as the background on your phone. This needs to be your mantra.