Stop commenting on my weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are going to make small talk and it's easy to a) make a compliment and b) make it about weight because that's an easy one. They aren't noticing skin and hair. A few of the more adept ones will compliment how a color really "lights up your face and brings your eyes out" but they are just bullsh!tting too.

Just be gracious and accept the compliment and change the subject. That's manners and class. Make everyone feel comfortable. They have no idea they are not doing it but you can do it.

These are fine tips for how OP should handle these comments but the point if the thread is to actually let people who comment in weight loss when they don't know the reason know they may be saying something hurtful or just wrong. This thread is to help them with their manners. OP didn't say she struggled to be gracious when people do this. That's a separate issue.

But that's the point. You can tell us all on DCUM as much as you want to stop commenting on weight but that's hardly going to help with OPs coworkers, friends and family, is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I wish we would retire weight as a topic. Least of all, it's just boring. Let's all elevate our social skills.

Usually people only say that if they haven't seen you in a while but duly noted.

Will only talk about the weather since all topics have potenial to offend.

[Anonymous]

This is an echo chamber. We just trained people to not ask "when is the baby due"?
!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this OP. A friend of mine has lost a bunch of weight - I am assuming she’s on semiglutide because she also has some related health issues - and I’ve almost said something a few times because I’ve obviously noticed, but I don’t want her to take it wrong and figure she will share if she wants to.

It’s just hard because as girls/women we are sort of trained to complement a new haircut or a new outfit or something like that, so I have to hold back on weight, even if it would be said with nothing but positive intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lost about 35 lbs in the past two years. I'm not a tall woman, so it's very noticeable. However, most of it was lost because of medical reasons (thyroid, medication change, etc.) and some were lost due to not eating during a depressive episode. People are assuming I changed my eating habits, and even go as far as to say they are proud of me for eating healthy and losing weight. I know they mean to be kind. I know they think they're being complimentary. But I'm so over people commenting on my weight. My weight gain was largely out of my control in the first place (went from a size zero to a size 14), and it makes me feel self conscious. So PSA - think twice before commenting on someone's weight loss - it may be a sensitive topic for them.

Yawn. Clearly everyone thinks you look better thinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lost about 35 lbs in the past two years. I'm not a tall woman, so it's very noticeable. However, most of it was lost because of medical reasons (thyroid, medication change, etc.) and some were lost due to not eating during a depressive episode. People are assuming I changed my eating habits, and even go as far as to say they are proud of me for eating healthy and losing weight. I know they mean to be kind. I know they think they're being complimentary. But I'm so over people commenting on my weight. My weight gain was largely out of my control in the first place (went from a size zero to a size 14), and it makes me feel self conscious. So PSA - think twice before commenting on someone's weight loss - it may be a sensitive topic for them.

Stop commenting on physical appearance period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love for people to comment on my weight.

At least they're paying attention, OP.

I do not want anyone paying attention to my body...large or small.

Really? I do! I like compliments on my outfit, or hair, or figure. If said in a nice way, not a predatory way, of course. I don't often receive compliments, so they're a confidence boost. I agree with PPs that people usually never specifically mention weight - apart from my drastic weight loss during a serious illness, and that they were horrified - but they will say "you look good!", or "I love your dress" (I was wearing something that fit me really well)... something that's associated with healthy not sickly, slimness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are going to make small talk and it's easy to a) make a compliment and b) make it about weight because that's an easy one. They aren't noticing skin and hair. A few of the more adept ones will compliment how a color really "lights up your face and brings your eyes out" but they are just bullsh!tting too.

Just be gracious and accept the compliment and change the subject. That's manners and class. Make everyone feel comfortable. They have no idea they are not doing it but you can do it.

These are fine tips for how OP should handle these comments but the point if the thread is to actually let people who comment in weight loss when they don't know the reason know they may be saying something hurtful or just wrong. This thread is to help them with their manners. OP didn't say she struggled to be gracious when people do this. That's a separate issue.

But that's the point. You can tell us all on DCUM as much as you want to stop commenting on weight but that's hardly going to help with OPs coworkers, friends and family, is it?

I think having these conversations on here actually moves the needle. People are honest on here in a way they aren't or don't feel they can be in the world. I have learned useful things on here about behaviors that people secretly hate or get annoyed by but are too polite to say in person and changed my behavior accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love for people to comment on my weight.

At least they're paying attention, OP.

+1

OP might also need to take a step back and realize that her PSA is very her-specific and represents only a small minority of people, whereas most people (particularly women) definitely enjoy tasteful compliments about their appearance. And specifically in cases where a conscientious effort has been made to change habits (not an easy feat for anyone!) to lose weight and the effort has “paid off” in ways that the individual feels is noticeable—to NOT make a positive or encouraging comment would be akin to ignoring her or failing to “see” her or recognize her accomplishment.

On the one hand, I’m sorry for your discomfort, OP. But on the other, you must realize that your circumstance is out of the norm. And surely you aren’t suggesting that all of society adjust their social norms to accommodate your specific circumstance?

Oh wait…you probably ARE suggesting that. It’s why my children are asked to state their pronouns in a library book discussion meeting despite there literally being no need for this.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I had depression-related weight loss some years ago and it was so weird getting all these comments like "you look so thin!" or "you're looking really healthy!" when I was really struggling and was decidedly NOT healthy (I had totally lost my appetite and was forcing myself to drink protein shakes just to get daily minimum calories because food looked and tasted revolting to me). I wasn't mad at the people who did it -- it just made me feel worse about something that was already pretty bad.

Also just wanted to note that before my weightloss I didn't think I *needed* to lose weight (and in retrospect I very much did not -- I was a perfectly healthy weight) so another effect of the comments was making me wonder if people thought I'd looked bad before.

Anyway OP is right that commenting on weight loss is not a good idea. There are lots of ways to compliment people without talking about their bodies. I go with "I'm really happy to see you" a lot because then it's not about reporting to them how they look or seem but letting them know how *I* feel about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lost about 35 lbs in the past two years. I'm not a tall woman, so it's very noticeable. However, most of it was lost because of medical reasons (thyroid, medication change, etc.) and some were lost due to not eating during a depressive episode. People are assuming I changed my eating habits, and even go as far as to say they are proud of me for eating healthy and losing weight. I know they mean to be kind. I know they think they're being complimentary. But I'm so over people commenting on my weight. My weight gain was largely out of my control in the first place (went from a size zero to a size 14), and it makes me feel self conscious. So PSA - think twice before commenting on someone's weight loss - it may be a sensitive topic for them.

I agree to a point. But then we get mixed messages. A person will come on say I lost so much weight from eating right/exercising and no one commented!

So most people are just trying to have basic human interactions and yes sometimes will put their foot in their mouth. So now, I don't want to have any idle chit chat because either way you are wrong. Better to say nothing.

Normal people would not say anything.

The only reason for the mixed messages is because of all the toxic masculinity out there.

There is not a large enough eye roll emoji to cover this comment.

Please explain the tiktok/Instagram craze of self idolation dependent upon “likes” and sponsors that piles millions of $$ into the laps of young women who share the perfect makeup tips and tricks, advice on fillers, hair extensions, eyelash applications, etc. etc. etc.
it’s entirely about physical appearance.
And exactly NONE of that os related to toxic masculinity. The men think it’s stupid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love for people to comment on my weight.

At least they're paying attention, OP.

+1

OP might also need to take a step back and realize that her PSA is very her-specific and represents only a small minority of people, whereas most people (particularly women) definitely enjoy tasteful compliments about their appearance. And specifically in cases where a conscientious effort has been made to change habits (not an easy feat for anyone!) to lose weight and the effort has “paid off” in ways that the individual feels is noticeable—to NOT make a positive or encouraging comment would be akin to ignoring her or failing to “see” her or recognize her accomplishment.

On the one hand, I’m sorry for your discomfort, OP. But on the other, you must realize that your circumstance is out of the norm. And surely you aren’t suggesting that all of society adjust their social norms to accommodate your specific circumstance?

Oh wait…you probably ARE suggesting that. It’s why my children are asked to state their pronouns in a library book discussion meeting despite there literally being no need for this.

I totally disagree with you. You are doing the thing OP is accusing others of -- assuming your feelings and experience are the "norm" and OP is a far outlier. It's not true.

Also I happen to think that even when people want the validation of others commenting on their weightloss it might not ultimately be a good thing. We have extremely unhealthy attitudes about weight and weightloss in our culture with a fixation on physical transformation and thinness and too little focus on actual health. People want to celebrate losing 20 lbs on a crash diet that they'll rebound from in six months because it's not sustainable whereas the person who diligently gets more healthy by shifting their diet towards healthier foods and becomes much more active is overlooked because they might dramatically drop three dress sizes (but their overall health and especially specific factors like heart health is likely much improved).

Also there is a happy medium here -- how about you can comment on weightloss when the person has already informed you they are trying to lose weight. If I know a friend has been focusing on exercise or diet and is actively trying to lose I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "hey I can really tell it's paying off." In the same way I would congratulate a friend on a pregnancy if I knew she was pregnant already. But I would not comment on the weightloss of someone I didn't know well enough to know the weightloss was a good thing just like I wouldn't tell some acquaintance "congratulations!" at the sight of what I think is a baby bump because I am not stupid.

That's all OP is really asking for. Don't assume someone's weightloss is good because sometimes it's not. Limit your congratulations and compliments to people you know well enough to know for sure the comments are appropriate.

Also this is why people join weight loss groups fyi. Or workout groups or whatever. If you really need encouragement and support for weight loss or getting healthy then it's a good idea to seek out people in the same boat and cheer each other on. Rather than expecting the world at large to tune into the fact that you need that support and risk putting their foot in their mouths to give it to you.

[Anonymous]

^ meant to say PP is doing the think they are accusing OP of doing.

[Anonymous]

This attitude is uniquely American and rather depressing. I'm French and have lived in various European countries and also in an eastern Asian country. In all these countries, people pay you compliments on your appearance. In France, Spain, Italy, it's "You look beautiful!" or "What a lovely dress!". In Asia, it's "You're so pretty!" or "You look so young!".

Americans might decry those as internalized misogyny among women and a reflection of the patriarchy. But I think all humans are naturally visual - it's our strongest sense - and sincere appreciation of someone else's beauty is a healthy practice.

I don't often dare to compliment someone in the US, because people can be so confused about the intent and implications of such comments. But the rare times I have given or received compliments, I have felt that they brightened both our outlooks for the day. It's a positive exchange of what should be happy emotions.

[Anonymous]

For some people, 'Hey, you look great!" or "Looking good!" is a greeting, not matter how the person looks, much like, "Nice to see you!" even when it isn't.