When people say you still have feelings for your exH because you’re angry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s true though. You are expending energy on him, even if it is negative energy. It’s fine to be annoyed at actions and things he does. But if you are angry enough that other people are telling you that you seem to be spending a lot of emotional energy on him, that is a sign that you aren’t ready to evict him from taking up mental space in your brain.

When thoughts of your ex, even annoying things he does, result in you just shrugging your shoulders with a “meh,” you will know what we mean.

If you’ve ever dated someone who always ranted about their ex, you might know what I mean. It’s clear they aren’t over their ex. You can’t be THAT angry and invested in the anger if you don’t care about them.

Not OP, but this is absolutely not true when it's related to parenting. I couldn't care less about my children's father, I'd even wish him well, except that he stresses out my kids by -
1. pressuring them academically in the worst way (like throwing a fit the morning of the first day of DD's high school and insisting my daughter write algebra flashcards - she cried she was so stressed out);
2. sabotages my attempts at reversing our son's prediabetic condition by pushing on him tons of sugar and refined carbs.
...and does innumerable similar things to make their lives harder. They don't like him. And they're accumulating enough resentment that they won't visit him once they're independent adults.

He's just an awful parent, but he looks good on paper. And while he's hurting my kids, yes, I certainly am allowed to have negative feelings about him.

Me again. I wanted to add that I haven't shared much of this with my friends. I share some of what he's done to me, which is bad enough, but I don't go on about it. There's only so much consternation and sympathy my friends can express. They already know he has mental health issues and is a cruel person. I've learned to process this on my own. Sometimes I get together with a friend and can't help having a little cry, and since it's very rare, they're very supportive. But generally I can hold it together. I don't want to be a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP and for months my ex emotionally and verbally abused me. Insulted me over text, parenting app, confronted me at our kids’ games, cussed me out in public. He absolutely traumatized me. I didn’t know how to coparent with someone regularly putting me down and trying to make me feel worthless. No one put a stop to his behavior. His parents knew what he was doing, but they would ruefully say “this isn’t the son we raised.” His harmful words made me depressed, no doubt about it. Everyone told me to ignore and gray rock. But when all he would do is insult me it was hard to simply ignore that behavior. And, there was a power dynamic too, because I didn’t call him names back, and I had to respond to him about parenting issues. He was/ is going through a very dark stage of his life and he’s taking it out on me. When he leaves me alone I feel fine - I’m with friends, I work out, focus on the kids, etc. it’s the verbal sh** that gets to me. I feel when an ex is abusive and you talk about it with others, you’re talking not because of some lingering love or hope, but this hopelessness you feel knowing you have to raise children with someone who seems focused on hurting and devaluing you. It’s really f*** up.

I'm so sorry PP. This is what my friend's ex does (in addition to leaving her with 3 young kids and having a baby with his assistant. It's abominable behavior and at least in the case of my friend's ex, he has a personality disorder, so there's no fixing him. I feel terrible for her having to co-parent with someone who just takes shots at her. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP and for months my ex emotionally and verbally abused me. Insulted me over text, parenting app, confronted me at our kids’ games, cussed me out in public. He absolutely traumatized me. I didn’t know how to coparent with someone regularly putting me down and trying to make me feel worthless. No one put a stop to his behavior. His parents knew what he was doing, but they would ruefully say “this isn’t the son we raised.” His harmful words made me depressed, no doubt about it. Everyone told me to ignore and gray rock. But when all he would do is insult me it was hard to simply ignore that behavior. And, there was a power dynamic too, because I didn’t call him names back, and I had to respond to him about parenting issues. He was/ is going through a very dark stage of his life and he’s taking it out on me. When he leaves me alone I feel fine - I’m with friends, I work out, focus on the kids, etc. it’s the verbal sh** that gets to me. I feel when an ex is abusive and you talk about it with others, you’re talking not because of some lingering love or hope, but this hopelessness you feel knowing you have to raise children with someone who seems focused on hurting and devaluing you. It’s really f*** up.

I’ve got a relative going through something very similar. It’s not your fault he’s harassing you and it’s very f’ed up if people give you a hard time about your valid reaction. With my relative I think I was able to put the fear of god a bit into her ex by telling him that he could end up with a restraining order if he wasn’t careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone that talks about their ex regularly, even negatively, has not moved on from the relationship yet. I dated a guy once who by all accounts had a challenging coparenting relationship, but they had been divorced almost 5 years, and every single day he was going on and on about his ex. His ex was a central figure in enough of our conversations that I had to bow out after a few months when I realized I knew more about his ex wife than I knew about him, because that was all he talked about.

If friends and family are telling you that you seem to be spending an unhealthy amount of energy and anger at your ex, it’s probably time to do some self reflection and explore if there are other ways to live.

OP - Was his ex changing plans every week and constantly making him run around scrambling to even see the kids on his time because of her random whims and manipulations? That's what happens to me. I never know if my time with the kids will go as planned because he finds a way to sabotage it. I leave his time with the kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone that talks about their ex regularly, even negatively, has not moved on from the relationship yet. I dated a guy once who by all accounts had a challenging coparenting relationship, but they had been divorced almost 5 years, and every single day he was going on and on about his ex. His ex was a central figure in enough of our conversations that I had to bow out after a few months when I realized I knew more about his ex wife than I knew about him, because that was all he talked about.

If friends and family are telling you that you seem to be spending an unhealthy amount of energy and anger at your ex, it’s probably time to do some self reflection and explore if there are other ways to live.

OP - Was his ex changing plans every week and constantly making him run around scrambling to even see the kids on his time because of her random whims and manipulations? That's what happens to me. I never know if my time with the kids will go as planned because he finds a way to sabotage it. I leave his time with the kids alone.

No changes.

Follow the court ordered custody schedule

You have right of first refusal if he can’t do his custody time.
You do NOT have to run around accommodating his girlfriend or his requests to change custody for his work nor social life.

Just say no, that’s too much. There’s reasonable flexibility, which goes both ways in similar frequencies. And there’s BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP and for months my ex emotionally and verbally abused me. Insulted me over text, parenting app, confronted me at our kids’ games, cussed me out in public. He absolutely traumatized me. I didn’t know how to coparent with someone regularly putting me down and trying to make me feel worthless. No one put a stop to his behavior. His parents knew what he was doing, but they would ruefully say “this isn’t the son we raised.” His harmful words made me depressed, no doubt about it. Everyone told me to ignore and gray rock. But when all he would do is insult me it was hard to simply ignore that behavior. And, there was a power dynamic too, because I didn’t call him names back, and I had to respond to him about parenting issues. He was/ is going through a very dark stage of his life and he’s taking it out on me. When he leaves me alone I feel fine - I’m with friends, I work out, focus on the kids, etc. it’s the verbal sh** that gets to me. I feel when an ex is abusive and you talk about it with others, you’re talking not because of some lingering love or hope, but this hopelessness you feel knowing you have to raise children with someone who seems focused on hurting and devaluing you. It’s really f*** up.

I feel this, PP. My almost-ex is the same. He simply cannot have a conversation about facts; there's always a thick layer of judgment and condescension and insults. It's impossible to troubleshoot or problem-solve, which makes "co-parenting" basically impossible. And even though I have full physical and legal custody, he continues to use visitation to abuse and harass me, will break court-ordered communication protocols, and violates basically any agreement he ever makes (but will RAGE if I need to adjust anything or make changes).

And yeah, there's a power dynamic. Grey rock is hard when you have to communicate with someone at least twice a week for the sake of your kids. It does feel hopeless, and it's hard to have any self-esteem when someone who was supposed to love you can't even treat you with basic decency.

I hope you find some peace. Stay strong, and ignore the haters. I get it: it's not love for him, it's survival for yourself. We vent because it's heavy af!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP and for months my ex emotionally and verbally abused me. Insulted me over text, parenting app, confronted me at our kids’ games, cussed me out in public. He absolutely traumatized me. I didn’t know how to coparent with someone regularly putting me down and trying to make me feel worthless. No one put a stop to his behavior. His parents knew what he was doing, but they would ruefully say “this isn’t the son we raised.” His harmful words made me depressed, no doubt about it. Everyone told me to ignore and gray rock. But when all he would do is insult me it was hard to simply ignore that behavior. And, there was a power dynamic too, because I didn’t call him names back, and I had to respond to him about parenting issues. He was/ is going through a very dark stage of his life and he’s taking it out on me. When he leaves me alone I feel fine - I’m with friends, I work out, focus on the kids, etc. it’s the verbal sh** that gets to me. I feel when an ex is abusive and you talk about it with others, you’re talking not because of some lingering love or hope, but this hopelessness you feel knowing you have to raise children with someone who seems focused on hurting and devaluing you. It’s really f*** up.

I feel this, PP. My almost-ex is the same. He simply cannot have a conversation about facts; there's always a thick layer of judgment and condescension and insults. It's impossible to troubleshoot or problem-solve, which makes "co-parenting" basically impossible. And even though I have full physical and legal custody, he continues to use visitation to abuse and harass me, will break court-ordered communication protocols, and violates basically any agreement he ever makes (but will RAGE if I need to adjust anything or make changes).

And yeah, there's a power dynamic. Grey rock is hard when you have to communicate with someone at least twice a week for the sake of your kids. It does feel hopeless, and it's hard to have any self-esteem when someone who was supposed to love you can't even treat you with basic decency.

I hope you find some peace. Stay strong, and ignore the haters. I get it: it's not love for him, it's survival for yourself. We vent because it's heavy af!

Living this too. Except that there are occasions when he tries to be kind and helpful, and expects me to forget about his previous yelling and insults. Then the cycle begins again after a few days because since I don't respond to those, I'm "disrespectful and doing my best to sabotage his communication efforts and not making any effort of my own". It's emotionally exhausting even with minimal communication and many years of practice at grey-rocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone that talks about their ex regularly, even negatively, has not moved on from the relationship yet. I dated a guy once who by all accounts had a challenging coparenting relationship, but they had been divorced almost 5 years, and every single day he was going on and on about his ex. His ex was a central figure in enough of our conversations that I had to bow out after a few months when I realized I knew more about his ex wife than I knew about him, because that was all he talked about.

If friends and family are telling you that you seem to be spending an unhealthy amount of energy and anger at your ex, it’s probably time to do some self reflection and explore if there are other ways to live.

OP - Was his ex changing plans every week and constantly making him run around scrambling to even see the kids on his time because of her random whims and manipulations? That's what happens to me. I never know if my time with the kids will go as planned because he finds a way to sabotage it. I leave his time with the kids alone.

No changes.

Follow the court ordered custody schedule

You have right of first refusal if he can’t do his custody time.
You do NOT have to run around accommodating his girlfriend or his requests to change custody for his work nor social life.

Just say no, that’s too much. There’s reasonable flexibility, which goes both ways in similar frequencies. And there’s BS.

she does not automatically have the right of first refusal.

[Anonymous]

Gray rock is not impossible with shared custody. People manage insane narcissistic abusive exes by using gray rock all the time. It’s all about establishing boundaries and enforcing them.

Never communicate with the ex about anything other than logistics related to the kids. No good morning, no discussion of feelings, no commenting on each other’s decisions. And do all communication through a controlled method, such as a coparenting app or email that you can choose when to read it.

Your ex tries to call you with a last minute change re: custody? You won’t know because he didn’t communicate it through the app and you don’t answer his phone calls. He needs you to cover some of his parenting time? You are not obligated to agree if he doesn’t ask you in a respectful and timely manner.

He misses dropping off the kids at your house? Document it through the agreed upon communication method and contact a lawyer about his breach in agreement. Don’t even tell him you are doing it, just do it.

He rants at you in person? You leave the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really frustrates me. My exH makes me angry because he is constantly manipulating the kids and doing things I consider damaging to them due to his own selfishness.

Some friends, when I tell them this, say in an almost gleeful tone, “oh it seems like you still have feelings there.” Why is anger about manipulation and abuse construed as feelings. I would be honestly happier if exH were dead, left the kids life insurance money, and I never had to speak to him again.

My life is otherwise great - job is fulfilling and I’m in a new relationship. My divorce process is going on over a year due to exH and it’s hell.

I feel bad for the man dating you before your divorce is final because I made the mistake of dating while going through divorce and let me tell you my ex wife turned into a raging stalking vengeful manic just because I was dating someone else and happy for once in my life. My GF showed incredible patience staying with me because my ex wife made her life hell as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gray rock is not impossible with shared custody. People manage insane narcissistic abusive exes by using gray rock all the time. It’s all about establishing boundaries and enforcing them.

Never communicate with the ex about anything other than logistics related to the kids. No good morning, no discussion of feelings, no commenting on each other’s decisions. And do all communication through a controlled method, such as a coparenting app or email that you can choose when to read it.

Your ex tries to call you with a last minute change re: custody? You won’t know because he didn’t communicate it through the app and you don’t answer his phone calls. He needs you to cover some of his parenting time? You are not obligated to agree if he doesn’t ask you in a respectful and timely manner.

He misses dropping off the kids at your house? Document it through the agreed upon communication method and contact a lawyer about his breach in agreement. Don’t even tell him you are doing it, just do it.

He rants at you in person? You leave the conversation.

This sounds depressing as f**k because it will have zero impact on the trouble making ex spouse. It won't stop them. You know the meantime you are actively thinking about how to ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP and for months my ex emotionally and verbally abused me. Insulted me over text, parenting app, confronted me at our kids’ games, cussed me out in public. He absolutely traumatized me. I didn’t know how to coparent with someone regularly putting me down and trying to make me feel worthless. No one put a stop to his behavior. His parents knew what he was doing, but they would ruefully say “this isn’t the son we raised.” His harmful words made me depressed, no doubt about it. Everyone told me to ignore and gray rock. But when all he would do is insult me it was hard to simply ignore that behavior. And, there was a power dynamic too, because I didn’t call him names back, and I had to respond to him about parenting issues. He was/ is going through a very dark stage of his life and he’s taking it out on me. When he leaves me alone I feel fine - I’m with friends, I work out, focus on the kids, etc. it’s the verbal sh** that gets to me. I feel when an ex is abusive and you talk about it with others, you’re talking not because of some lingering love or hope, but this hopelessness you feel knowing you have to raise children with someone who seems focused on hurting and devaluing you. It’s really f*** up.

I feel this, PP. My almost-ex is the same. He simply cannot have a conversation about facts; there's always a thick layer of judgment and condescension and insults. It's impossible to troubleshoot or problem-solve, which makes "co-parenting" basically impossible. And even though I have full physical and legal custody, he continues to use visitation to abuse and harass me, will break court-ordered communication protocols, and violates basically any agreement he ever makes (but will RAGE if I need to adjust anything or make changes).

And yeah, there's a power dynamic. Grey rock is hard when you have to communicate with someone at least twice a week for the sake of your kids. It does feel hopeless, and it's hard to have any self-esteem when someone who was supposed to love you can't even treat you with basic decency.

I hope you find some peace. Stay strong, and ignore the haters. I get it: it's not love for him, it's survival for yourself. We vent because it's heavy af!

How did you manage to get full legal custody? He must have been really really bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone that talks about their ex regularly, even negatively, has not moved on from the relationship yet. I dated a guy once who by all accounts had a challenging coparenting relationship, but they had been divorced almost 5 years, and every single day he was going on and on about his ex. His ex was a central figure in enough of our conversations that I had to bow out after a few months when I realized I knew more about his ex wife than I knew about him, because that was all he talked about.

If friends and family are telling you that you seem to be spending an unhealthy amount of energy and anger at your ex, it’s probably time to do some self reflection and explore if there are other ways to live.

OP - Was his ex changing plans every week and constantly making him run around scrambling to even see the kids on his time because of her random whims and manipulations? That's what happens to me. I never know if my time with the kids will go as planned because he finds a way to sabotage it. I leave his time with the kids alone.

No changes.

Follow the court ordered custody schedule

You have right of first refusal if he can’t do his custody time.
You do NOT have to run around accommodating his girlfriend or his requests to change custody for his work nor social life.

Just say no, that’s too much. There’s reasonable flexibility, which goes both ways in similar frequencies. And there’s BS.

she does not automatically have the right of first refusal.

Your pronouns don’t make sense for the post you’re referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This really frustrates me. My exH makes me angry because he is constantly manipulating the kids and doing things I consider damaging to them due to his own selfishness.

Some friends, when I tell them this, say in an almost gleeful tone, “oh it seems like you still have feelings there.” Why is anger about manipulation and abuse construed as feelings. I would be honestly happier if exH were dead, left the kids life insurance money, and I never had to speak to him again.

My life is otherwise great - job is fulfilling and I’m in a new relationship. My divorce process is going on over a year due to exH and it’s hell.

I feel bad for the man dating you before your divorce is final because I made the mistake of dating while going through divorce and let me tell you my ex wife turned into a raging stalking vengeful manic just because I was dating someone else and happy for once in my life. My GF showed incredible patience staying with me because my ex wife made her life hell as well.

Lol

Poor you dating and sleeping around while separated. Thank god you don’t have kids.