When people say you still have feelings for your exH because you’re angry

[Anonymous]

This really frustrates me. My exH makes me angry because he is constantly manipulating the kids and doing things I consider damaging to them due to his own selfishness.

Some friends, when I tell them this, say in an almost gleeful tone, “oh it seems like you still have feelings there.” Why is anger about manipulation and abuse construed as feelings. I would be honestly happier if exH were dead, left the kids life insurance money, and I never had to speak to him again.

My life is otherwise great - job is fulfilling and I’m in a new relationship. My divorce process is going on over a year due to exH and it’s hell.

[Anonymous]

Anger is a feeling, a strong one.

[Anonymous]

It’s true though. You are expending energy on him, even if it is negative energy. It’s fine to be annoyed at actions and things he does. But if you are angry enough that other people are telling you that you seem to be spending a lot of emotional energy on him, that is a sign that you aren’t ready to evict him from taking up mental space in your brain.

When thoughts of your ex, even annoying things he does, result in you just shrugging your shoulders with a “meh,” you will know what we mean.

If you’ve ever dated someone who always ranted about their ex, you might know what I mean. It’s clear they aren’t over their ex. You can’t be THAT angry and invested in the anger if you don’t care about them.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies, OP. The best revenge is to live happily. Before your children are fully adult, you will have moments of irritation because your spouse will still act as an irritant. But after that, he might just pop up at your kid's wedding or something. Set goals of being healthy so you can enjoy your life fully thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Op I one hundred percent understand where you are coming from. My ex is a bipolar train wreck that destabilized our lives. When I complain about him I get the same reaction. But the complaints aren’t derived from an inner longing for him. The complaints are derived from the anger I feel because of the chaos and destabilization he brought to our family. I’m angry because I wish my kids had the blessing of two loving parents, a nicer home and greater financial resources brought by a joint household. But, we both have old, small homes, stretched finances, loss of financial stability, questionable ability to fund college… and what I’m most angry about is that he models selfishness to our kids. He’s not this example of hard work, love and sacrifice. He’s this selfish angry ass*** and our kids lack a good example of what it means to be a real man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s true though. You are expending energy on him, even if it is negative energy. It’s fine to be annoyed at actions and things he does. But if you are angry enough that other people are telling you that you seem to be spending a lot of emotional energy on him, that is a sign that you aren’t ready to evict him from taking up mental space in your brain.

When thoughts of your ex, even annoying things he does, result in you just shrugging your shoulders with a “meh,” you will know what we mean.

If you’ve ever dated someone who always ranted about their ex, you might know what I mean. It’s clear they aren’t over their ex. You can’t be THAT angry and invested in the anger if you don’t care about them.

Not OP, but this is absolutely not true when it's related to parenting. I couldn't care less about my children's father, I'd even wish him well, except that he stresses out my kids by -
1. pressuring them academically in the worst way (like throwing a fit the morning of the first day of DD's high school and insisting my daughter write algebra flashcards - she cried she was so stressed out);
2. sabotages my attempts at reversing our son's prediabetic condition by pushing on him tons of sugar and refined carbs.
...and does innumerable similar things to make their lives harder. They don't like him. And they're accumulating enough resentment that they won't visit him once they're independent adults.

He's just an awful parent, but he looks good on paper. And while he's hurting my kids, yes, I certainly am allowed to have negative feelings about him.

[Anonymous]

No one said you can’t have negative emotions or thoughts about your ex. It’s the amount of energy that you spend on it, and especially if you are venting a lot to others about your ex. You are still in an emotional relationship with him.

You need to let go, accept you can’t control him or how he chooses to parent your kids. That’s what divorce means. Yes, it sucks that he’s harming them like he does…. Because no judge or court would care enough to do anything about it. It’s a total crap situation, but you ou are choosing to spend your energy being angry at your ex. It’s a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like it is. There’s something preventing you from moving on.

[Anonymous]

I think one is able to "move on" once the kids are not in the equation. I can totally see how an ex stirring up constant sh*t is aggravating enough to make you angry. I think what people misinterpret is they think YOU are angry at your ex as in he affects you directly, in reality you're angry for your KIDS, it's an indirect feeling and so strong, because we want to protect our kids. A mother bear feeling. At least this is how I'd feel (I'm still married). Nobody thinks a bear is angry when you mess with the cubs because she loves you.

[Anonymous]

OP believes she has 100 percent ownership of the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s true though. You are expending energy on him, even if it is negative energy. It’s fine to be annoyed at actions and things he does. But if you are angry enough that other people are telling you that you seem to be spending a lot of emotional energy on him, that is a sign that you aren’t ready to evict him from taking up mental space in your brain.

When thoughts of your ex, even annoying things he does, result in you just shrugging your shoulders with a “meh,” you will know what we mean.

If you’ve ever dated someone who always ranted about their ex, you might know what I mean. It’s clear they aren’t over their ex. You can’t be THAT angry and invested in the anger if you don’t care about them.

DP. I think you don’t understand. How can OP stay neutral and “meh” when her ex is actively making her life worse and possibly hurting her kids? It’s a stupid pop culture notion that hating someone means you care about them. It may be true that wallowing in hate has secondary benefits or is a dynamic that OP is stuck in …. but it’s stupid to think she’d be neutral in the face of a contested divorce or secretly actually cares about him.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear you. I do think it's hard for people to distinguish when strong emotions are related to love/longing, and when they're related to long-term destabilization of your and your kids' lives, as a PP upthread put it. The latter is really quite justified, and I can see it being really irritating having friends look at you knowingly and essentially say "you're not over him", when that isn't what's stirring you up.

Consider that what they're reacting to is that you are chronically destabilized, and as friends, they recognize that it's bad for you. Is it solvable? We couldn't say, and I'm sure it's not easy. But this is why you're being advise to grey-rock him; it's your only defense. I have a friend whose exH is truly vile, will take her to task over nothing just to F with her. I completely get why it makes her miserable. But as her friend, I also worry that her whole existence is defined by this guy's bad behavior. She doesn't deserve that and I want peace for her. Easier said than done, I recognize. But I think this may be your friends' perspective.

[Anonymous]

I kind of backed off my ex and all that toxicity and his abuse like 'your kid is scared of you' and stuff like that disappeared. I didn't see him for years even though we live in the same city. Tried not to text or call him or talk to the kid about him.
Disappearing and not contacting was the best thing ever. Kid is almost 18 and is well aware that his father is hard as partner. He isn't that bad as a parent or child wouldn't go to his house.

[Anonymous]

Anyone that talks about their ex regularly, even negatively, has not moved on from the relationship yet. I dated a guy once who by all accounts had a challenging coparenting relationship, but they had been divorced almost 5 years, and every single day he was going on and on about his ex. His ex was a central figure in enough of our conversations that I had to bow out after a few months when I realized I knew more about his ex wife than I knew about him, because that was all he talked about.

If friends and family are telling you that you seem to be spending an unhealthy amount of energy and anger at your ex, it’s probably time to do some self reflection and explore if there are other ways to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really frustrates me. My exH makes me angry because he is constantly manipulating the kids and doing things I consider damaging to them due to his own selfishness.

Some friends, when I tell them this, say in an almost gleeful tone, “oh it seems like you still have feelings there.” Why is anger about manipulation and abuse construed as feelings. I would be honestly happier if exH were dead, left the kids life insurance money, and I never had to speak to him again.

My life is otherwise great - job is fulfilling and I’m in a new relationship. My divorce process is going on over a year due to exH and it’s hell.

You have a right to grieve and be angry.

Whomever is saying that cliche is just saying a cliche. Just ignore that comment. Hopefully they have better listening and responding skills when and if you really need them to.

And they clearly never saw ongoing trauma from an abusive Ex.

[Anonymous]

I’m a PP and for months my ex emotionally and verbally abused me. Insulted me over text, parenting app, confronted me at our kids’ games, cussed me out in public. He absolutely traumatized me. I didn’t know how to coparent with someone regularly putting me down and trying to make me feel worthless. No one put a stop to his behavior. His parents knew what he was doing, but they would ruefully say “this isn’t the son we raised.” His harmful words made me depressed, no doubt about it. Everyone told me to ignore and gray rock. But when all he would do is insult me it was hard to simply ignore that behavior. And, there was a power dynamic too, because I didn’t call him names back, and I had to respond to him about parenting issues. He was/ is going through a very dark stage of his life and he’s taking it out on me. When he leaves me alone I feel fine - I’m with friends, I work out, focus on the kids, etc. it’s the verbal sh** that gets to me. I feel when an ex is abusive and you talk about it with others, you’re talking not because of some lingering love or hope, but this hopelessness you feel knowing you have to raise children with someone who seems focused on hurting and devaluing you. It’s really f*** up.