Where is all of the anxiety coming from?

[Anonymous]

Kids from poor families do have anxiety, it’s just under diagnosed and treated

[Anonymous]

My 9 yo kid goes to therapy. And if you knew her, you would never think it and probably assume I forced this diagnosis somehow. (Unclear why any parent would want that??)

She has panic attacks that others have never seen. And while she doesnt seem affected in her day to day school and activities, it was affecting her sleep and she would constantly complain of physical ailments at bedtime.

So I put her in therapy because I don’t want it to get worse. I want her to know that there’s nothing shameful about going to therapy or having anxiety. And I don’t know if it’s due to therapy or if time alone could have solved it, but she’s doing so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s coming from the parents. Yes, the low-income children have real hardships. But their parents aren’t out there expecting them to be class president, captain of a varsity team, get a 4.0 and get into Princeton. Upper income parents are a special kind of messed up lately.

Instead those kids are living in chaotic households, with food insecurity, violence, stressed out overworked parents, drug addiction, and many other serious issues. But sure, the kids aren’t anxious because you said so. Whatever the cause, the result is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there are a lot of disregulated parents out there. Recently attended a middle school meeting and the questions being asked by people in their 40s and 50s was astounding. ‘How will my child know which classroom to go to on their own?’ ‘How will they know how to open a locker combination?’ No idea how they have made it this far in the world on their own, let alone parenting. No wonder their kids are anxious.

I can cop to this! But to be fair, it’s a bit of a reinforcing cycle with schools also acting like any tiny hitch is a HUGE deal (“just wanted to let you know that Jimmy cried today when a friend pushed him.”)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Interesting thoughts. You would think my students at school would experience anxiety since their families are much more unstable financially, socially, etc than these wealthy kids. There wealth is unbelievable. I had these kids for 8 weeks (most go to this private school) and the vacations they went on sounded super expensive. Fiji, private yachts in the Mediterranean, etc. You would think that level of wealth would cause kids to feel stable. They don’t need to worry if they will be evicted (like my students).

Oh that’s a super interesting observation. I’m a high anxiety high SES parent (albeit not private yacht level) and my kid goes to a T1 middle school after attending a high SES elementary. I think he has absolutely benefited from the MS being a more roll-with-it environment. I have certainly benefited from teachers and staff that project a lot more competency and less worry about relatively minor problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there are a lot of disregulated parents out there. Recently attended a middle school meeting and the questions being asked by people in their 40s and 50s was astounding. ‘How will my child know which classroom to go to on their own?’ ‘How will they know how to open a locker combination?’ No idea how they have made it this far in the world on their own, let alone parenting. No wonder their kids are anxious.

I can cop to this! But to be fair, it’s a bit of a reinforcing cycle with schools also acting like any tiny hitch is a HUGE deal (“just wanted to let you know that Jimmy cried today when a friend pushed him.”)

Not only that, the schools expect me to be closely involved with everything going on. I’d be happy to back off but the school inundates me with information, expects me to check the online grade/attendance/notification app constantly, wants me to send in this or that item or money for supplies, sign tests, participate in homework help, assist in assigned class projects by assigning age inappropriate projects, etc. I’d love the school to get off my damn back and let the kids just do their thing and keep me out of it. But, no, it’s a “partnership” now and parents need to be actively involved in the school community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s coming from the parents. Yes, the low-income children have real hardships. But their parents aren’t out there expecting them to be class president, captain of a varsity team, get a 4.0 and get into Princeton. Upper income parents are a special kind of messed up lately.

My sister is in the rich private school world and her extreme fixation on college admissions is craaaazy. It does make me think I need to do more though. But the way she talks about it, it’s as if her kid (sweet, funny, tall, organized, bright, good grades, self-directed) is on the brink of disaster because she’s not in line for the top colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids from poor families do have anxiety, it’s just under diagnosed and treated

given some of the really bad approaches to anxiety, they may be better off untreated. also severe anxiety generally doesn’t appear until people are much older (late teens/early 20s). while it is possible to have clinical anxiety in young kids (and OCD can appear in elementary schools) a lot of the anxiety diagnoses for younger kids are questionable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 yo kid goes to therapy. And if you knew her, you would never think it and probably assume I forced this diagnosis somehow. (Unclear why any parent would want that??)

She has panic attacks that others have never seen. And while she doesnt seem affected in her day to day school and activities, it was affecting her sleep and she would constantly complain of physical ailments at bedtime.

So I put her in therapy because I don’t want it to get worse. I want her to know that there’s nothing shameful about going to therapy or having anxiety. And I don’t know if it’s due to therapy or if time alone could have solved it, but she’s doing so much better.

As long as it’s evidence based therapy, great. The problem is parents who create & reinforce anxiety through over-accomodation (including at school and camp).

[Anonymous]

It is big pharma pushing meds. It is not only kids over-diagnosed. It is the same with adults.

Just look at ADHD symptoms. Very normal stuff. Nobody is on point all the time. Pushing Amphetamines to very normal people.

[Anonymous]

So many adderall / vyvanse addicts. Not much different from the oxy addicts except easier to OD and die with opiods.

Crazy to me that parents let their kids take ADHD meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who are disconnected from their kids. They don’t actually spend time talking to their kids and trying to understand their feelings. They are just on their phones scheduling activities for their kids, shuttling them to and fro, scrolling through social media, buying crap from Amazon.

And yes, I realize I am on my phone but right now my kids are playing outside with their cousins and I am taking a break after hosting brunch. I am rarely on my phone in their presence other than to respond to urgent texts.

"I have a good reason to be on my phone posting on this website because I'm a good parent and if you look at my parenting in context that is obvious but all the other parents are terrible because I see them on their phones and there is no way that they have as good a reason as I do right now even though there is no way for me to know the context of their phone use."

Okay.

Haha and also: you only use your phone in your kids’ presence to respond to urgent texts? How do you know you even have an urgent text unless you’re already looking at your phone or at least have it very close by?

I use my phone too much but I do connect w my kids as well—there’s a balance. I know I need to be on my phone less though. We all do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Interesting thoughts. You would think my students at school would experience anxiety since their families are much more unstable financially, socially, etc than these wealthy kids. There wealth is unbelievable. I had these kids for 8 weeks (most go to this private school) and the vacations they went on sounded super expensive. Fiji, private yachts in the Mediterranean, etc. You would think that level of wealth would cause kids to feel stable. They don’t need to worry if they will be evicted (like my students).

Less wealthy people are often more capable to roll with the punches, psychologically speaking. They accept as a baseline that life is unfair, that most of the time you are unable to optimize your outcomes and just have to deal with whatever comes your way. They also don’t have the bandwidth to fret over whether Johnny gets invites to the right birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who are disconnected from their kids. They don’t actually spend time talking to their kids and trying to understand their feelings. They are just on their phones scheduling activities for their kids, shuttling them to and fro, scrolling through social media, buying crap from Amazon.

And yes, I realize I am on my phone but right now my kids are playing outside with their cousins and I am taking a break after hosting brunch. I am rarely on my phone in their presence other than to respond to urgent texts.

I’d argue that it’s the opposite- parents paying way too much attention to their kids’ feelings. Blow on the skinned knee and tell your kid to keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who are disconnected from their kids. They don’t actually spend time talking to their kids and trying to understand their feelings. They are just on their phones scheduling activities for their kids, shuttling them to and fro, scrolling through social media, buying crap from Amazon.

And yes, I realize I am on my phone but right now my kids are playing outside with their cousins and I am taking a break after hosting brunch. I am rarely on my phone in their presence other than to respond to urgent texts.

I’d argue that it’s the opposite- parents paying way too much attention to their kids’ feelings. Blow on the skinned knee and tell your kid to keep going.

+1 parents disconnecting from their kids a bit is necessarily a problem. But if they’re doomscrolling on their phones and then overcompensating during the little time they do spend with their kids by trying to shielding them from every bit of unpleasantness or uncertainty, then we’ve got an issue.