If your marriage is a sham, do your friends know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

I think it is reasonable to prioritize maintaining the family structure for your child over what friends think. I would let go of that. But if the big issue here is that you need support and feel you can't talk to your friends about it, I say go ahead and do so -- you should be able to get support without worrying about their idealization (fetishization?) of same sex marriage as some utopia. Alternatively, seek therapy -- it is such a relief to have someone to talk to about this kind of stuff and get the support you need without any of the issues that come up with friendships, including the one you cite. If you can find a therapist who specializes in supporting LGBTQ+ clients, even better.

[Anonymous]

Of course they know. Their marriages are shams too.

[Anonymous]

There is so much about our marriage that our friends are clueless about and my spouse and I have committed to not sharing any details with others. Our marriage is not a sham as we get along and parent well but it’s far from traditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

That's ridiculously harsh and OP doesn't deserve that. It takes one person to divorce. OP doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to hurry the process. Also, I fundamentally disagree about the value of a stable home for a child. If there is no anger in the relationship, children can do very well in calm and organized households with two loving parents. Also, once separated, HHI goes down, and people usually aren't happy about that: there is value in not decreasing a child's financial opportunities because the two parents now need to pay for two households.

So wrong on all fronts, PP. This is not an emergency, abusive, situation that OP needs to resolve immediately. If her wife wanted to divorce, she would. Nothing is stopping her. So a status quo is obviously wanted by both parties, for various reasons, and it sounds as if it's best for the child right now.

This is a form of abuse. Not letting people leave is abusive behavior. Calling it "for the kid" is manipulative. Demanding that the party that wants to leave stay and put in full effort to resolve a relationship they want out of is abusive. And if OP's not telling the truth to their friends, there's a reason. It's probably nowhere near as amicable as OPs post makes it sound; how could it be, with one party actively wanting to leave?

Is it an "emergency"? Maybe not. But it's over, and I'm sure OP's wife thought about the consequences of wanting out. So acting like all your points are some sort of life-ruining consequences just to manipulate her into staying is further abuse.

When people want to leave, you let them go. That's what would be actually healthy in this situation. The rest is mental yoga and OP's justifications.

YOU DON’T NEED YOUR SPOUSE’S LEAVE TO DIVORCE.

Go away if you cannot grasp that most crucial point. You sound mentally ill.

All-caps plus ableism = your point is weak af. No, you don't need your spouse's leave to divorce, but if you have kids, it sure helps if you have their cooperation, which is actually in the best interest of your child(ren). Putting OPs spouse in the position of having to flounce off and serve OP with papers because OP couldn't just accept it was over and start making a new plan is, as I said, a form of abuse, specifically covert narcissistic abuse. It'll make OP's spouse look like "the bad guy/gal" for leaving and "blowing apart the marriage" when the truth is probably closer to OP's wife said she wanted out and OP wouldn't play ball.

And all of that is right there in the OP, just like all your ableism is right there in your comment. Nothing sounds more "mentally ill" than using "you sound mentally ill" as a retort without basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

I think it is reasonable to prioritize maintaining the family structure for your child over what friends think. I would let go of that. But if the big issue here is that you need support and feel you can't talk to your friends about it, I say go ahead and do so -- you should be able to get support without worrying about their idealization (fetishization?) of same sex marriage as some utopia. Alternatively, seek therapy -- it is such a relief to have someone to talk to about this kind of stuff and get the support you need without any of the issues that come up with friendships, including the one you cite. If you can find a therapist who specializes in supporting LGBTQ+ clients, even better.

If you can't tell your friends the truth, they're not your friends.

A lot of OP's post seems to blame OPs friends for the pressure of maintaining a gay relationship flawlessly, which is probably just a standard OP put on herself/internalized and is now projecting onto the "friends" she's being dishonest with.

And yeah, a therapist might be able to help make that more clear to OP than an anon board, but here we are.

[Anonymous]

LBD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

Are your parents together, pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

Are your parents together, pp?

Not that it matters to this thread, but yes, for over 50 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

Are your parents together, pp?

Not that it matters to this thread, but yes, for over 50 years now.

I might add: happily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

Are your parents together, pp?

Not that it matters to this thread, but yes, for over 50 years now.

So you have no special insight that, actually, children would rather their parents divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

Are your parents together, pp?

Not that it matters to this thread, but yes, for over 50 years now.

So you have no special insight that, actually, children would rather their parents divorced?

I'm divorced myself (my kids are happier and better off for it) and I have friends who are divorced with happy kids and also children of divorce, not that you need to have lived experience to see an obvious point.

Attacking me, personally, instead of rebutting the point I made is a weak approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have a partnership for child raising.

If my marriage had been like this, there’s no way I would have left. One home for the kid is much easier and more stable.

My marriage was emotionally abusive and my XH had mental health issues, including paranoia and trauma that led him to accuse me of harming him and to threaten me with all sorts of “consequences.” It was terribly unhealthy. I was under tremendous stress.

I don’t mean to minimize your suffering as clearly it pains you to not be in a relationship with your spouse. But in these circumstances if I were you I’d detach, care for myself, and really become emotionally self sufficient. That will serve you well if you are in the marriage or not. You doing this may well attract your spouse back. She may be sensing neediness/ co dependence.

NP. How did your XH do with your child as co-parenting?

[Anonymous]

FYI - men don't talk about their marriages. That is solely a woman thing. None of my friends or family know that I'm in a dead marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would say that your marriage isn’t a sham… It’s not a fake marriage… But sure seems like your friendships are. You can’t share with your friends what’s going on in your life? Is that really a friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

That's ridiculously harsh and OP doesn't deserve that. It takes one person to divorce. OP doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to hurry the process. Also, I fundamentally disagree about the value of a stable home for a child. If there is no anger in the relationship, children can do very well in calm and organized households with two loving parents. Also, once separated, HHI goes down, and people usually aren't happy about that: there is value in not decreasing a child's financial opportunities because the two parents now need to pay for two households.

So wrong on all fronts, PP. This is not an emergency, abusive, situation that OP needs to resolve immediately. If her wife wanted to divorce, she would. Nothing is stopping her. So a status quo is obviously wanted by both parties, for various reasons, and it sounds as if it's best for the child right now.

This is a form of abuse. Not letting people leave is abusive behavior. Calling it "for the kid" is manipulative. Demanding that the party that wants to leave stay and put in full effort to resolve a relationship they want out of is abusive. And if OP's not telling the truth to their friends, there's a reason. It's probably nowhere near as amicable as OPs post makes it sound; how could it be, with one party actively wanting to leave?

Is it an "emergency"? Maybe not. But it's over, and I'm sure OP's wife thought about the consequences of wanting out. So acting like all your points are some sort of life-ruining consequences just to manipulate her into staying is further abuse.

When people want to leave, you let them go. That's what would be actually healthy in this situation. The rest is mental yoga and OP's justifications.

YOU DON’T NEED YOUR SPOUSE’S LEAVE TO DIVORCE.

Go away if you cannot grasp that most crucial point. You sound mentally ill.

All-caps plus ableism = your point is weak af. No, you don't need your spouse's leave to divorce, but if you have kids, it sure helps if you have their cooperation, which is actually in the best interest of your child(ren). Putting OPs spouse in the position of having to flounce off and serve OP with papers because OP couldn't just accept it was over and start making a new plan is, as I said, a form of abuse, specifically covert narcissistic abuse. It'll make OP's spouse look like "the bad guy/gal" for leaving and "blowing apart the marriage" when the truth is probably closer to OP's wife said she wanted out and OP wouldn't play ball.

And all of that is right there in the OP, just like all your ableism is right there in your comment. Nothing sounds more "mentally ill" than using "you sound mentally ill" as a retort without basis.

DP. I won’t be ableist. You are nuts.

If one person wants out of the marriage it’s on them to take the necessary steps to make it happen AND accept the possibility of becoming the “bad guy” for “blowing up the marriage.” FWIW, I have initiated a divorce where my spouse wanted to keep things as is.