If your marriage is a sham, do your friends know?

[Anonymous]

My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

[Anonymous]

Well—do you not trust them enough to confide?

[Anonymous]

Your marriage is not a sham.
Most marriages go through such periods.
Some of them recover, and others don't.
Of those that don't, some divorce and others just stabilize into a new normal, with spouses seeking contentment in their hobbies and friends (or affair partners).

But you do have something very important, OP: you have a partnership for the house and children. Just because there is no romance right now doesn't mean the entire marriage is a sham.

You don't actually need to do anything about this if your goal is to provide stability to your child. Find happiness elsewhere and continue to live your life. Your wife might never actually file for divorce. Or she might. Put the burden on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take this to the LGBTQLMNOP forum…

Like your bigoted butt isn't gonna be there, too? Nothing about this post is exclusive to the queers, bro. Het relationships fail the same way all the time.

Deal with it.

-a queer.

[Anonymous]

My friends? Heck, my spouse pretends not to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

That's ridiculously harsh and OP doesn't deserve that. It takes one person to divorce. OP doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to hurry the process. Also, I fundamentally disagree about the value of a stable home for a child. If there is no anger in the relationship, children can do very well in calm and organized households with two loving parents. Also, once separated, HHI goes down, and people usually aren't happy about that: there is value in not decreasing a child's financial opportunities because the two parents now need to pay for two households.

So wrong on all fronts, PP. This is not an emergency, abusive, situation that OP needs to resolve immediately. If her wife wanted to divorce, she would. Nothing is stopping her. So a status quo is obviously wanted by both parties, for various reasons, and it sounds as if it's best for the child right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends? Heck, my spouse pretends not to know.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

If this is your definition of sham, many of us are in this situation, OP

There's no need to explain it to others, and I recommend you don't - if you reconcile, everyone's going to feel awkward, and if you don't, why would they need to know in advance?

Close friends can usually tell anyway. The ones who are in the dark are probably not your close friends, and don't need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

That's ridiculously harsh and OP doesn't deserve that. It takes one person to divorce. OP doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to hurry the process. Also, I fundamentally disagree about the value of a stable home for a child. If there is no anger in the relationship, children can do very well in calm and organized households with two loving parents. Also, once separated, HHI goes down, and people usually aren't happy about that: there is value in not decreasing a child's financial opportunities because the two parents now need to pay for two households.

So wrong on all fronts, PP. This is not an emergency, abusive, situation that OP needs to resolve immediately. If her wife wanted to divorce, she would. Nothing is stopping her. So a status quo is obviously wanted by both parties, for various reasons, and it sounds as if it's best for the child right now.

This is a form of abuse. Not letting people leave is abusive behavior. Calling it "for the kid" is manipulative. Demanding that the party that wants to leave stay and put in full effort to resolve a relationship they want out of is abusive. And if OP's not telling the truth to their friends, there's a reason. It's probably nowhere near as amicable as OPs post makes it sound; how could it be, with one party actively wanting to leave?

Is it an "emergency"? Maybe not. But it's over, and I'm sure OP's wife thought about the consequences of wanting out. So acting like all your points are some sort of life-ruining consequences just to manipulate her into staying is further abuse.

When people want to leave, you let them go. That's what would be actually healthy in this situation. The rest is mental yoga and OP's justifications.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a partnership for child raising.

If my marriage had been like this, there’s no way I would have left. One home for the kid is much easier and more stable.

My marriage was emotionally abusive and my XH had mental health issues, including paranoia and trauma that led him to accuse me of harming him and to threaten me with all sorts of “consequences.” It was terribly unhealthy. I was under tremendous stress.

I don’t mean to minimize your suffering as clearly it pains you to not be in a relationship with your spouse. But in these circumstances if I were you I’d detach, care for myself, and really become emotionally self sufficient. That will serve you well if you are in the marriage or not. You doing this may well attract your spouse back. She may be sensing neediness/ co dependence.

[Anonymous]

I think my very close friends are aware, but they aren’t very curious about it.

I think it’s mostly boring to hear about someone else’s shitty marriage, especially if they are staying in it.

I try to limit how much I talk about it especially since I don’t plan to end it anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

That's ridiculously harsh and OP doesn't deserve that. It takes one person to divorce. OP doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to hurry the process. Also, I fundamentally disagree about the value of a stable home for a child. If there is no anger in the relationship, children can do very well in calm and organized households with two loving parents. Also, once separated, HHI goes down, and people usually aren't happy about that: there is value in not decreasing a child's financial opportunities because the two parents now need to pay for two households.

So wrong on all fronts, PP. This is not an emergency, abusive, situation that OP needs to resolve immediately. If her wife wanted to divorce, she would. Nothing is stopping her. So a status quo is obviously wanted by both parties, for various reasons, and it sounds as if it's best for the child right now.

This is a form of abuse. Not letting people leave is abusive behavior. Calling it "for the kid" is manipulative. Demanding that the party that wants to leave stay and put in full effort to resolve a relationship they want out of is abusive. And if OP's not telling the truth to their friends, there's a reason. It's probably nowhere near as amicable as OPs post makes it sound; how could it be, with one party actively wanting to leave?

Is it an "emergency"? Maybe not. But it's over, and I'm sure OP's wife thought about the consequences of wanting out. So acting like all your points are some sort of life-ruining consequences just to manipulate her into staying is further abuse.

When people want to leave, you let them go. That's what would be actually healthy in this situation. The rest is mental yoga and OP's justifications.

Huh? How is it abusive? OP’s wife is free to move out and serve OP with papers, any time she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner asked for a divorce a year ago. I asked to work on things, but she’s been very half hearted in her efforts (we are both women). We have almost no conflict, but also almost no connection—she’s an introvert who loves the outdoors so she spends lots of time alone. I think she’s just over me and the marriage.

I think we will likely end up divorced, but I really do want to make it work for our kid. I would hate to see her only 50% of her childhood. Ugh. For now, I feel like I’m delaying the inevitable so that I can have a few more months or years giving my kid a childhood in one home.

Most of my friends think we have a great relationship. They idealize the same sex marriage model because we really do split parenting and household stuff pretty equally.

I feel so lonely and dishonest with my friends because they don’t know about the biggest stressor in my life.

The mental yoga in this post is extreme.

1) When someone wants to leave, you let them. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you (and what does that model for your kid?)
2) She's avoiding you with her hobbies, which is super polite of her. She doesn't owe you any effort to work on a relationship she wants to leave.
3) Kids aren't stupid. A loveless marriage is a stressor all around, and kids pick up on that. It's not "for the kid" at all.
4) A childhood in one home that's happy and functional is a luxury. A childhood in one home with parents who dislike each other is a nightmare, whether or not there's active, volatile conflict. You have a 'broken home' already, and nobody dies from this. But kids do notice, and pretending it's all great under your roof is gaslighting your kid, not protecting them.
5) Most of your friends don't know what's going on, so how they idealize your pinterest-perfect version (the lie you're selling). They're also stupidly biased; same-sex relationship fail rates are comparable to the hets.
6) You feel so dishonest because you're being dishonest. Lies of omission are lies. You're lonely because you can't connect honestly with your friends.

Start by telling yourself some hard truths, and then come clean to the people who love you and care about you. You're as sick as your secrets, OP.

Heal up, for your kid's sake.

That's ridiculously harsh and OP doesn't deserve that. It takes one person to divorce. OP doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to hurry the process. Also, I fundamentally disagree about the value of a stable home for a child. If there is no anger in the relationship, children can do very well in calm and organized households with two loving parents. Also, once separated, HHI goes down, and people usually aren't happy about that: there is value in not decreasing a child's financial opportunities because the two parents now need to pay for two households.

So wrong on all fronts, PP. This is not an emergency, abusive, situation that OP needs to resolve immediately. If her wife wanted to divorce, she would. Nothing is stopping her. So a status quo is obviously wanted by both parties, for various reasons, and it sounds as if it's best for the child right now.

This is a form of abuse. Not letting people leave is abusive behavior. Calling it "for the kid" is manipulative. Demanding that the party that wants to leave stay and put in full effort to resolve a relationship they want out of is abusive. And if OP's not telling the truth to their friends, there's a reason. It's probably nowhere near as amicable as OPs post makes it sound; how could it be, with one party actively wanting to leave?

Is it an "emergency"? Maybe not. But it's over, and I'm sure OP's wife thought about the consequences of wanting out. So acting like all your points are some sort of life-ruining consequences just to manipulate her into staying is further abuse.

When people want to leave, you let them go. That's what would be actually healthy in this situation. The rest is mental yoga and OP's justifications.

YOU DON’T NEED YOUR SPOUSE’S LEAVE TO DIVORCE.

Go away if you cannot grasp that most crucial point. You sound mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my very close friends are aware, but they aren’t very curious about it.

I think it’s mostly boring to hear about someone else’s shitty marriage, especially if they are staying in it.

I try to limit how much I talk about it especially since I don’t plan to end it anytime soon.

Same here. My close friends and I are in our 40s and 50s, ie, that time in life when elderly parents spiral into dependency and dementia, teens struggle and college admissions stress builds up, and the adults holding it together have professional and financial setbacks or develop cancers or other issues.

NONE of us have happy marriages right now. We might describe certain stressful or painful events to each other when we get together one-on-one, not to bash our spouses (because that wouldn't serve any purpose), but to seek psychological support to get through these depressing times. We all know we're not getting divorced right now. Our kids need stable homes and for all available money to be shunted to college tuition. So we lean on each other and detach emotionally from our spouses for a while. We try to get out of the house, exercise, and those of us with the time volunteer (I swear that the majority of middle-aged women I see helping at charity/rescue/volunteer events are compensating emotionally for a disappointing marital relationship).

Nobody knows who is going to stay together when all kids are in college and get real jobs. Some of us have a wide age range in our kids, so the younger ones are still years away from college.

Welcome to Survival Mode, OP.