How do you help your children's significant others feel like part of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Loving the partner is a gift to your DC, both families, and yourself as well.

This💯

[Anonymous]

One SIL I’ve known since he was 17 and he’s always felt like part of the family. He was my sons best man. Another SILs father passed away a few years ago and I flew cross country for the memorial service. He didn’t know I was coming but I told him he’s family. I treat both of them like members of the family because they are.

[Anonymous]

When I hear proud claims of, "treating them like family" it makes me skeptic because once your child committed to them, they became his family hence yours too. Family. Not "like family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat them the same as your child. If your son gets a $100 birthday gift, so should wife.

And yes, treat them as equals but hopefully you treat your kids as equals too. I had one parent that still treated me like a child in my 20s and it strained our relationship.

What do you mean by “equal”?

I still give my kids advice, which they are free to accept or not. I invite them on vacations and let them choose activities, etc., but I do expect them to spend time with us on those vacations, since I am hosting. We help our kids with large purchases (daughter makes nursery Pinterest and I help buy the furniture, etc.) Because we are their parents and have known them their entire life, our relationship will never be the same as other adult friends, so not sure what you mean.

For our son-in-law, we have now known him for a third of his life (married young) and treat him basically as one of our kids (except I’m a little less straightforward with him).

[Anonymous]

The biggest source of contention with my in-laws is when they have expectations for how, when, and where we spend time together as a family and don’t consult me to see if that is how I want to spend my time, energy, and money. It feels so disrespectful to not be consulted, particularly because I run the household, the calendar, the kids activities, and pay all the bills. Don’t assume that just because you asked your adult child that they have discussed it with their spouse. Don’t make the couple feel guilty if they say no to a request. Your DIL or SIL may have different values and prioritize their time and commitments differently than you do. Accept them as they are, not how you want them to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest source of contention with my in-laws is when they have expectations for how, when, and where we spend time together as a family and don’t consult me to see if that is how I want to spend my time, energy, and money. It feels so disrespectful to not be consulted, particularly because I run the household, the calendar, the kids activities, and pay all the bills. Don’t assume that just because you asked your adult child that they have discussed it with their spouse. Don’t make the couple feel guilty if they say no to a request. Your DIL or SIL may have different values and prioritize their time and commitments differently than you do. Accept them as they are, not how you want them to be.

This is 100% a husband issue. I'm not judging, as we've been to therapy over how my DH's family treats me. In any case, I've learned to hold a very firm line. If you get on the same page with your DH and he manages his parents appropriately, this problem will go away.

I've had to direct my ILs to coordinate with their son directly. If we decline to do something, I know they'll respect the message more if it comes from him. Their family also has horrible communication skills, and I'm not dealing with lousy dynamics that I didn't create.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest source of contention with my in-laws is when they have expectations for how, when, and where we spend time together as a family and don’t consult me to see if that is how I want to spend my time, energy, and money. It feels so disrespectful to not be consulted, particularly because I run the household, the calendar, the kids activities, and pay all the bills. Don’t assume that just because you asked your adult child that they have discussed it with their spouse. Don’t make the couple feel guilty if they say no to a request. Your DIL or SIL may have different values and prioritize their time and commitments differently than you do. Accept them as they are, not how you want them to be.

This is 100% a husband issue. I'm not judging, as we've been to therapy over how my DH's family treats me. In any case, I've learned to hold a very firm line. If you get on the same page with your DH and he manages his parents appropriately, this problem will go away.

I've had to direct my ILs to coordinate with their son directly. If we decline to do something, I know they'll respect the message more if it comes from him. Their family also has horrible communication skills, and I'm not dealing with lousy dynamics that I didn't create.

Yes. You are correct it is a husband issue but it goes beyond that. Husband has difficulty saying no bc he grew up in an enmeshed relationship with Mom and sister. They are great at the guilt trip if they don’t get what they want. He is a people pleaser. I grew up the same way. However, after having kids, I became forced to set and enforce boundaries. We went through a rough patch and he understands he has to consult me. His mom and sister know this but sometimes still go to him when they suspect I will say no hoping that guilt will win out.They have also started making plans for us and/or the kids and not consulting either of us. They always try to make me look like the bad guy if we say no or I confront them on it. If you want a good relationship with DIL, consider her feelings and ask for her input. It will go a long way at demonstrating you respect her and understand that she likely takes care of scheduling and calendars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things that my wonderful MIL have done for me, the DIL
- included me in family pictures at weddings
- given me family recipes
‐ invited me out to dinners if they were in town, even if my BF now DH wasn't available
Now that we're married with kids, MIL
- got an apartment near our house and helped take care of the babies for a year
- gave me family jewelry
- includes me in discussions about their estate planning
- lots of casual communication, texts, facetime
- cards for my birthday and our anniversary
- gives us lots of space, noncritical but always available to help

Wow.

My parents did that with us and my brothers/his wife. But my in laws did nothing.

I oversaw they emailed us their wills and everything seemed normal except the FIl wants to be buried in his distant Mediterranean country somewhere. Sounds like a costly PiTA. We have to convince him to be cremated like everyone else. Then we can scatter him around Turkey more easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I hear proud claims of, "treating them like family" it makes me skeptic because once your child committed to them, they became his family hence yours too. Family. Not "like family".

Agree, it’s a tired cliche

I like the houses where the MiL has photos up of her adult sin and the grandchildren and never the wife. Only bloodline.

I once said sorry to see the wife isn’t in the picture any longer and my friend said “oh, she is, I have more of her somewhere.” And same pic set up was there a month later…

[Anonymous]

If they will be joining you for holidays, find out if there’s anything that they really love that their own family does. Something as small as having a dessert or a breakfast food that the SO is used to will make them feel more at home. If they’ll be there to decorate the tree, have a special ornament for them while your children are putting on theirs. Spend time getting to know them as individuals and not just as your child’s SO.

[Anonymous]

Take a genuine interest. Listen. Ask questions about their family of origin, their friends, their work. Remember their favorite foods, activities, people, interests.

My local ILs of 2 decades have never taken the time to ask me about myself, yet I could map their family trees, have heard all of their stories and could win a trivia game about them. They are entirely self focused and know nothing about me but think that we’re close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a genuine interest. Listen. Ask questions about their family of origin, their friends, their work. Remember their favorite foods, activities, people, interests.

My local ILs of 2 decades have never taken the time to ask me about myself, yet I could map their family trees, have heard all of their stories and could win a trivia game about them. They are entirely self focused and know nothing about me but think that we’re close.

Many people see questions about family as nosiness and casual comment on something can rub a nerve wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a genuine interest. Listen. Ask questions about their family of origin, their friends, their work. Remember their favorite foods, activities, people, interests.

My local ILs of 2 decades have never taken the time to ask me about myself, yet I could map their family trees, have heard all of their stories and could win a trivia game about them. They are entirely self focused and know nothing about me but think that we’re close.

Many people see questions about family as nosiness and casual comment on something can rub a nerve wrong way.

Yes. And a lot of families offer information about themselves and then expect you to then share your own information. Them asking you would be like prying and intrusive. Maybe you should try telling them about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a genuine interest. Listen. Ask questions about their family of origin, their friends, their work. Remember their favorite foods, activities, people, interests.

My local ILs of 2 decades have never taken the time to ask me about myself, yet I could map their family trees, have heard all of their stories and could win a trivia game about them. They are entirely self focused and know nothing about me but think that we’re close.

Many people see questions about family as nosiness and casual comment on something can rub a nerve wrong way.

+1

[Anonymous]

I hope family's sincerity and kindness would make them feel at home and if we offer respect to their family, they would appreciate the effort.