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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The biggest source of contention with my in-laws is when they have expectations for how, when, and where we spend time together as a family and don’t consult me to see if that is how I want to spend my time, energy, and money. It feels so disrespectful to not be consulted, particularly because I run the household, the calendar, the kids activities, and pay all the bills. [b]Don’t assume that just because you asked your adult child that they have discussed it with their spouse.[/b] Don’t make the couple feel guilty if they say no to a request. Your DIL or SIL may have different values and prioritize their time and commitments differently than you do. Accept them as they are, not how you want them to be. [/quote]

This is 100% a husband issue.  I'm not judging, as we've been to therapy over how my DH's family treats me.  In any case, I've learned to hold a very firm line.  If you get on the same page with your DH and he manages his parents appropriately, this problem will go away.

I've had to direct my ILs to coordinate with their son directly.  If we decline to do something, I know they'll respect the message more if it comes from him.  Their family also has horrible communication skills, and I'm not dealing with lousy dynamics that I didn't create.  [/quote]

Yes. You are correct it is a husband issue but it goes beyond that. Husband has difficulty saying no bc he grew up in an enmeshed relationship with Mom and sister. They are great at the guilt trip if they don’t get what they want. He is a people pleaser. I grew up the same way. However, after having kids, I became forced to set and enforce boundaries. We went through a rough patch and he understands he has to consult me. His mom and sister know this but sometimes still go to him when they suspect I will say no hoping that guilt will win out.They have also started making plans for us and/or the kids and not consulting either of us. They always try to make me look like the bad guy if we say no or I confront them on it. If you want a good relationship with DIL, consider her feelings and ask for her input. It will go a long way at demonstrating you respect her and understand that she likely takes care of scheduling and calendars. [/quote]

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