How do you help your children's significant others feel like part of the family?

[Anonymous]

I think basic manners go a long way. Oftentimes the old couple treat the young in such a horrible way that they would never treat a stranger. "Like family" is not even necessary. I know people who don't wish their DIL happy birthday, put former GFs pictures up in their house etc. It's really baffling how unpleasant some older people can be and then complain why nobody comes to visit. If you're a normal, reasonable and kind person with basic manners, it goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

My mom treated my DH like a son. She developed a deep and meaningful relationship with him apart from me. She wanted to celebrate his birthdays like her own kids and she worried about him just the same as she worried about me. What you don’t do is what my MIL did. She sends a gift to DH and the grandkids and then gives me just a card. It’s not the value of the gift but the fact it’s so clearly stating that I’m on a different level which I suppose I am to her. It just feels weird since I’m the one who purchased her gifts for years. I have gotten over it but I won’t be doing that to my future SIL/DIL.

[Anonymous]

My MIL always went over upcoming holiday menus and would ask me what dish we could add to make it feel like the holiday for me.
They also always ask about my parents/siblings and pay attention to the answers.
Many moons ago I overheard my FIL talking to a friend and giving an update on all his kids. Who had what job, graduated, etc. He included me in the list. It was so sweet and made me feel like I was completely part of the family.

[Anonymous]

A friend received expired resale store make up from her wealthy MIL and SIL.

[Anonymous]

Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

[Anonymous]

I think the pp is kidding about some of this

[Anonymous]

I can tell you things that have made me feel not a part of the family.

- Want us to come on family vacation and offer to cover spouse’s costs, not mine or our children once we had them and indicate it’s fine if just spouse comes
- Exclude me from family photos because they are for blood only
- Send my spouse lavish gifts for Christmas (think iPad, new phone, custom tailored suit, while I get a candle I’m allergic to)
- Never consult me on requests and then send me denigrating letters and emails because it’s clearly all on me when my spouse says “I’ll need to discuss with spouse” and then the answer is no
- Write me lists of petty complaints about our house and hosting after every visit
- can’t ever remember my parents or only sibling’s names
- still don’t know where I work (been there 18 years, the entire time we’ve been married)

I haven’t seen them in years because I now take off when they visit and I utterly refuse to go along with trips to their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

They are super rich

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

I hope you appreciate this is a completely unrealistic list for 99% of people. Also, you don’t even seem to realize that 75% of the list is “my in laws paid for XYZ”…which means you equate money with how you make someone feel special.

BTW, great kid that you didn’t pay for your own mother’s medical bills and you cried to your in laws for more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

I hope you appreciate this is a completely unrealistic list for 99% of people. Also, you don’t even seem to realize that 75% of the list is “my in laws paid for XYZ”…which means you equate money with how you make someone feel special.

BTW, great kid that you didn’t pay for your own mother’s medical bills and you cried to your in laws for more money.

I think, rather HOPE, PP was joking and just trolling. You dont have to throw money at someone to make them like they're part of the family. Just love them, include them, and be considerate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

I hope you appreciate this is a completely unrealistic list for 99% of people. Also, you don’t even seem to realize that 75% of the list is “my in laws paid for XYZ”…which means you equate money with how you make someone feel special.

BTW, great kid that you didn’t pay for your own mother’s medical bills and you cried to your in laws for more money.

PP was being sarcastic. To be honest, money helps both with adult kids and their families but as long as you are kind and respectful of boundaries and not a financial burden, most reasonable women want a healthy relationship with their in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Early years are crucial in building a good foundation so be really there for them, you reap what you sow in later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

I hope you appreciate this is a completely unrealistic list for 99% of people. Also, you don’t even seem to realize that 75% of the list is “my in laws paid for XYZ”…which means you equate money with how you make someone feel special.

BTW, great kid that you didn’t pay for your own mother’s medical bills and you cried to your in laws for more money.

PP was being sarcastic. To be honest, money helps both with adult kids and their families but as long as you are kind and respectful of boundaries and not a financial burden, most reasonable women want a healthy relationship with their in-laws.

If they were being sarcastic, it would be much shorter and funnier. It was long and had no humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things that my MIL & FIL did for me as her DIL before we got married:
- Invited me out to dinners when they are in town, even when my now DH was not available,
- FIL/MIL invited to play pickleball with them and introduced me to their friends,
- Invited me to go shopping for clothes with her and MIL paid for everything,

After we got married:
- Paid off my student loan debt, around 100K,
- They asked us where we wanted to live, and bought us a TH and paid off the mortgage, around 900K,
- Bought me a new 2022 RAV-4 and DH a Model Y Tesla,
- When I got pregnant, MIL asked if it would be OK to send over her personal chef to cook for me two hours every day,
- Always ask me if it would be OK to come over and visit the twins. MIL said it was OK to say "NO" to her,
- Include me in their wills. DH also has a younger sister,
- My own mother was hospitalized last year and, even with health insurance, she owed the hospital 45K. My MIL took care of the bill,
- My FIL and I are PB mix-doubles partners, while my MIL and I are pickleball doubes partners,
- They always ask for my opinions,

Both FIL and MIL, and SIL as well, are very generous and non-judgemental people. They love me like I am their own daughter.

I hope you appreciate this is a completely unrealistic list for 99% of people. Also, you don’t even seem to realize that 75% of the list is “my in laws paid for XYZ”…which means you equate money with how you make someone feel special.

BTW, great kid that you didn’t pay for your own mother’s medical bills and you cried to your in laws for more money.

PP was being sarcastic. To be honest, money helps both with adult kids and their families but as long as you are kind and respectful of boundaries and not a financial burden, most reasonable women want a healthy relationship with their in-laws.

If they were being sarcastic, it would be much shorter and funnier. It was long and had no humor.

Well, in that case, they are very wealthy and generous and she is financially and ethically bankrupt.

[Anonymous]

I'll mention a few things not to do.

Have your child's fiance (weeks before the wedding) join for his first Christmas and make a big deal in front of everyone how is name is written on masking tape on his stocking and can easily be ripped off

In my case - married for almost 10 years and we spend most Christmases with his family. 3 years ago everyone else got thoughtful presents and I got a a few boxes of junk from the garage wrapped up to feel hefty and give the appearance of the weigh of a gift only my actual gift was cash ranging from $5 to $20. $40 in total. The excuse was they didn't know what to get me. Embarrassing as everyone else opened real gifts and the first thing I opened was string lights that I was actually appreciative for. Come to find nope the $5 in the box was my gift.

This was when we were first married - going to the store and buying knickknacks for DH and SIL and then making a big deal of you going in a separate line to purchase a $6 item. I grew up in a family ( not great but also not cheap) where if my mom bought me something she bought the same for sil.

Hosting Christmas and then sending a Venmo for groceries but only to DH and I. Before SIL was married.

When BIL called to tell in laws he was proposing to SIL. In laws first reaction was I guess it's a race to see who has the darkest grandchild.