Why forgive?

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that forgiveness is about you, not them. It's not becoming a doormat, opening yourself up to further hurt. It's healing from the inside out. I have an estranged brother, no contact. I was so angry for so long that it was eating me up inside. I would seethe with anger, feeling justified (and I was) to that anger. But he was out living his life, not giving me a care or concern in the world. I took up, and currently take up, zero space in his head. Who's being harmed? I had to talk to myself about forgiving him, for finding it in me to know that he is a damaged, hurt individual and grieve the relationship we'll never have again. That's forgiveness. I'll never see him again, and part of the estrangement is ensuring he doesn't have contact with my daughter, but I don't seethe with anger anymore and he has utterly zero hold over me.

So I would, as PP noted, ask yourself why this is coming up for you now and start from there.

[Anonymous]

You sound bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiving does not mean they were right.
It does not mean what happened to you was right.
But releasing the unforgiveness, the resentment, the anger, the fear means you get to stop dragging that and them around the rest of your life.
You do it for you
Alanon Family Groups have free Zoom or phone meetings every day. Just listen. Maybe it will be useful perspective on what it was like for them, what they did, what it's like now.
All the best to you.

Not always, but in some cases, forgiveness can release the person who felt wronged. This can provide a different understanding or even a foundation to forge and seek different, healthier patterns of relationships going forward.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It clearly bothers you still. It bothers you that you did not see your dad for so long, and he died. It bothers you that your ex is a loser and still is a loser.
As for your brother, what did he say? Are you sure you never lashed out at him when upset and said things you should not have said?
How come you are always the victim? I mean, I believe you regarding your dad and your ex, but not sure about your brother. Are you able to say you have never wronged anyone or made a mistake in your life?
How old are you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for these perspectives. To answer some of the questions: I’m 44. I have created a very nice life for myself. Good job, financial security, advanced degree, amazing little girl and supportive, kind husband. I don’t feel anger or bitterness toward my father or ex, but I’ve felt sad at times. So much time has passed that I don’t dwell on those relationships. I’ve learned from them - I know the type of husband I wanted for myself and the type of father I wanted for my daughter.

The reason this question came up for me does relate to my brother, specifically my mother’s comment about why I’ve essentially cut him out and can’t forgive him for things he’s done in the past. I told her I’m protecting myself from getting hurt. She thinks we should have a relationship because it’s been a couple years since he’s been hurtful toward me (my response was that it’s been a few years only because I haven’t let him be close to me). So I wanted to hear why others forgive. I don’t know what it means to me or what purpose it would serve, which is why I asked the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these perspectives. To answer some of the questions: I’m 44. I have created a very nice life for myself. Good job, financial security, advanced degree, amazing little girl and supportive, kind husband. I don’t feel anger or bitterness toward my father or ex, but I’ve felt sad at times. So much time has passed that I don’t dwell on those relationships. I’ve learned from them - I know the type of husband I wanted for myself and the type of father I wanted for my daughter.

The reason this question came up for me does relate to my brother, specifically my mother’s comment about why I’ve essentially cut him out and can’t forgive him for things he’s done in the past. I told her I’m protecting myself from getting hurt. She thinks we should have a relationship because it’s been a couple years since he’s been hurtful toward me (my response was that it’s been a few years only because I haven’t let him be close to me). So I wanted to hear why others forgive. I don’t know what it means to me or what purpose it would serve, which is why I asked the question.

I’m so glad you provided this update because it shows you have really turned things around in your life and experienced positivity and love. As for your question, like other PP’s have said, it stems from a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is. Your mother seems to also have this misunderstanding: specifically, that forgiveness requires opening yourself up to a relationship again. It may be in your mother’s interest for your brother and you to have a relationship again, but it is not a requirement for you to do so, either as someone who forgives him or as someone who doesn’t! You can recognize the pain and hardship someone has brought into your life and forgive him, while also acknowledging that you need to maintain a separation, a healthy boundary. It’s about no longer harboring animosity in your heart so that you can heal. Everyone makes mistakes and hurts someone else, in varying degrees, so it’s also about acknowledging the reality to yourself that we all sin (yes, I look at this in a religious way) and need to practice forgiving one another and moving on. It does NOT mean you have to listen to your mom and let him into your life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are A LOT of work. I have friends who think it’s easier to cut people off. It’s up to you and how you feel fulfilled.

If one is fragile/i’ll equipped, one may not be able to handle complicated or flawed people

Having or not having a relationship with these people is different than forgiveness. I forgave my mother for what she did to me as a child; her continued behaviour meant that I had to set clear and consistent boundaries in the present. The two things are separate.

Forgiveness is understanding you literally cannot change the past as no one is magical. Boundaries are protecting your future. Both can be done kindly to yourself.

Forgiveness is also about the future though. It’s a promise to yourself that you won’t allow the painful feelings this person brought up for you to continue to bring you pain. It’s a promise you make to yourself for the future - NO MORE. I’m releasing that from my mental space from now on, as best I can. A boundary can be part of that future and how you manage to maintain that peace.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused as to why moving on from pain and severing ties is now called "forgiveness." What would you call forgiving the person and reconciling with them then?

Why not call a spade a spade and say it's moving on. Not trying to snark, genuinely confused. I am working very hard on moving on from the searing pain my sister caused me two years ago and think about this topic a lot.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness is an internal process for your own well-being. It's separate from whether you choose to have a relationship with someone in the present.

Your friend was wrong. You don't have a relationship with your brother because he continues to hurt you, not because you're some unforgiving shrew. You've created boundaries that limit his ability to hurt you. Maybe some day if he proves he's changed, you can reconsider. But you have no reason to believe that now.

[Anonymous]

People would be better off to replace the word "forgiveness" with "get-on-with-your-life."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused as to why moving on from pain and severing ties is now called "forgiveness." What would you call forgiving the person and reconciling with them then?

Why not call a spade a spade and say it's moving on. Not trying to snark, genuinely confused. I am working very hard on moving on from the searing pain my sister caused me two years ago and think about this topic a lot.

The words forgive and reconcile are different because they ARE different. So you would call it “forgiving and reconciling.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People would be better off to replace the word "forgiveness" with "get-on-with-your-life."

Forgiveness includes peace and acceptance not just moving on. It means not being angry every time the subject is brought up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People would be better off to replace the word "forgiveness" with "get-on-with-your-life."

Forgiveness includes peace and acceptance not just moving on. It means not being angry every time the subject is brought up.

Moving on means you are not angry anymore and accept what happened.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness can come with boundaries. Forgiveness means you have stopped letting the person/incident/circumstances have control over you. Carrying those heavy emotions only hurts you, and that’s why people push for forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to forgive, OP. You can cut ties, and move on, but particularly in the instance of your ex asking for your forgiveness, you don't have to offer that. I think forgiveness means something different to everyone. I will never forgive a family member who abused me when I was younger - and I've told that to other members in my family. But that doesn't mean that I'm consumed by anger. I define forgiveness as not blaming or being mad at someone for something that person has done, and that's NEVER going to happen.
I've never seen forgiveness as something that benefits me, I've always seen it as something that benefits the other person. Like they've been expunged of their hurtful behavior.