Why forgive?

[Anonymous]

I’d really like to understand why people forgive others? Is it for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving or the person being forgiven? There are three people in my life who have hurt me badly in the past through their actions and I really don’t see any purpose in me forgiving them. I don’t think it will benefit me and I don’t see why if they’ve hurt me so badly, I should give them the benefit of forgiveness. Instead, I’ve cut them out of my life and moved on so that I’m not hurt further.

I’ll provide some more context and would be curious what others would do in my situation.

I stopped having a relationship with my father at 12. He was an alcoholic and was violent toward my mom and others. They divorced when I was very young and my brother and I saw him every other weekend. When I was 12, I decided I didn’t want to see him any longer. He scared me when he was drinking. Our relationship essentially ended and he passed away a few years ago. He made a few overtures over the years but nothing in probably the past 20 years. He never apologized for things that happened when I was a child.

My first husband was also an alcoholic and is now in recovery. He was abusive toward me. He did the 12 step thing where you ask for forgiveness from people you wronged. I asked for one thing from him (some compensation for all the debt he left me when we divorced) and he refused to do that even though he had the means. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again.

Finally my brother has been very hurtful toward me, in part I suspect from untreated mental illness. Of the three, this one is the hardest for me. I’ve asked him not to say or do hurtful things, but he has continued to do so. He hasn’t apologized either. With him, at this point in my life, I don’t want more drama. I’ve got an awesome family now and I don’t want to subject them to my brother’s craziness so I have very little contact now. But it does make me sad since he is my only sibling and my mom is sad we don’t have more of a relationship.

In all instances, I was not the aggressor and was the person harmed by people who should have loved me and protected me. I don’t have any desire to forgive them. I don’t dwell on them. I’ve moved on. My priority is protecting myself from further pain by not putting myself in a position to be hurt again. So, as I said at the top, what value do you see in forgiveness in situations like this? I am not religious so don’t feel any motivation to forgive because it’s “the Christian thing to do” but am curious about others’ perspectives.

[Anonymous]

What does forgiveness mean to you OP? To me, and many, it’s just letting go of the anger. It does not mean allowing the people back into your life. Anger is a bad thing- bad for your mental and physical wellbeing. Working to forgive so that I am not angry anymore is a gift to myself. It has nothing to do with the party that wronged me.

[Anonymous]

Forgiving does not mean they were right.
It does not mean what happened to you was right.
But releasing the unforgiveness, the resentment, the anger, the fear means you get to stop dragging that and them around the rest of your life.
You do it for you
Alanon Family Groups have free Zoom or phone meetings every day. Just listen. Maybe it will be useful perspective on what it was like for them, what they did, what it's like now.
All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does forgiveness mean to you OP? To me, and many, it’s just letting go of the anger. It does not mean allowing the people back into your life. Anger is a bad thing- bad for your mental and physical wellbeing. Working to forgive so that I am not angry anymore is a gift to myself. It has nothing to do with the party that wronged me.

Agree, I think forgiveness can mean letting go of anger and not letting it take up space in your mind anymore. Not necessarily that it means you’ve reconciling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does forgiveness mean to you OP? To me, and many, it’s just letting go of the anger. It does not mean allowing the people back into your life. Anger is a bad thing- bad for your mental and physical wellbeing. Working to forgive so that I am not angry anymore is a gift to myself. It has nothing to do with the party that wronged me.

+ 1. Don’t confuse forgiveness with having a relationship. Holding on to anger and hurt is poisonous. You let it go for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are A LOT of work. I have friends who think it’s easier to cut people off. It’s up to you and how you feel fulfilled.

If one is fragile/i’ll equipped, one may not be able to handle complicated or flawed people

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are “protecting yourself”

That’s great. By why are you thinking about these questions now? That’s what I would want to know.

There are tactics on line of how to handle certain people. They can work. The advice is not about changing the person

It’s about changing and learning coping and defense mechanisms yourself.

[Anonymous]

I forgive in order to have more joy

[Anonymous]

I forgive so these people no longer have a hold on me, my thoughts, or my actions.

Holding on to the anger is “like drinking poison, hoping it will hurt the other person”.

It doesn’t mean I like them, that I like what they did to me, or that I agree to their choices - it just means their actions have no hold on me anymore. As I’ve gotten older, I now understand that people are complex, and they may have their own story that has nothing to do with me, that led them to their actions. But it has nothing to do *with me*. Good, bad, or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

You forgive for your own mental and emotional health and so you can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are A LOT of work. I have friends who think it’s easier to cut people off. It’s up to you and how you feel fulfilled.

If one is fragile/i’ll equipped, one may not be able to handle complicated or flawed people

Having or not having a relationship with these people is different than forgiveness. I forgave my mother for what she did to me as a child; her continued behaviour meant that I had to set clear and consistent boundaries in the present. The two things are separate.

Forgiveness is understanding you literally cannot change the past as no one is magical. Boundaries are protecting your future. Both can be done kindly to yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, people DO rip up their "parent card" or "brother card" or "husband card" and are not entitled to a relationship with you. But you also have a responsibility. You are ignoring the responsibility YOU have to make healthy relationship choices. You are ruminating on "forgiveness" ... should I forgive? how do I get past this? rather than doing the necessary hard work on yourself.

Achieve. Achieve some life-bettering goals. Start with a better job. Support yourself financially. Focus on the practical. Dial way-down your emotional focus.

[Anonymous]

You can forgive and sever all ties.
If you "sever ties' and hold onto resentment and anger you still drag them around with you.

[Anonymous]

You don't see me forgiving. forgetting and not letting such people around you and your loved ones, is much better.They can all go to hell and I would tell my mother to go you know where also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d really like to understand why people forgive others? Is it for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving or the person being forgiven? There are three people in my life who have hurt me badly in the past through their actions and I really don’t see any purpose in me forgiving them. I don’t think it will benefit me and I don’t see why if they’ve hurt me so badly, I should give them the benefit of forgiveness. Instead, I’ve cut them out of my life and moved on so that I’m not hurt further.

I’ll provide some more context and would be curious what others would do in my situation.

I stopped having a relationship with my father at 12. He was an alcoholic and was violent toward my mom and others. They divorced when I was very young and my brother and I saw him every other weekend. When I was 12, I decided I didn’t want to see him any longer. He scared me when he was drinking. Our relationship essentially ended and he passed away a few years ago. He made a few overtures over the years but nothing in probably the past 20 years. He never apologized for things that happened when I was a child.

My first husband was also an alcoholic and is now in recovery. He was abusive toward me. He did the 12 step thing where you ask for forgiveness from people you wronged. I asked for one thing from him (some compensation for all the debt he left me when we divorced) and he refused to do that even though he had the means. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again.

Finally my brother has been very hurtful toward me, in part I suspect from untreated mental illness. Of the three, this one is the hardest for me. I’ve asked him not to say or do hurtful things, but he has continued to do so. He hasn’t apologized either. With him, at this point in my life, I don’t want more drama. I’ve got an awesome family now and I don’t want to subject them to my brother’s craziness so I have very little contact now. But it does make me sad since he is my only sibling and my mom is sad we don’t have more of a relationship.

In all instances, I was not the aggressor and was the person harmed by people who should have loved me and protected me. I don’t have any desire to forgive them. I don’t dwell on them. I’ve moved on. My priority is protecting myself from further pain by not putting myself in a position to be hurt again. So, as I said at the top, what value do you see in forgiveness in situations like this? I am not religious so don’t feel any motivation to forgive because it’s “the Christian thing to do” but am curious about others’ perspectives.

Even in a religious sense, forgiveness doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with someone.