If you did not do many chores growing up, do you wish your parents had made you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am well aware of all of the research that says doing chores growing up is evidently really good for kids. Right now my kids help me unload the dishwasher (the younger one more often) and sometimes sort laundry but that’s about it. They have expressed interest in learning how to do the laundry so hopefully they will do that when they are a little older, also taking out trash. They sometimes clean their rooms on their own, usually if I ask them to clean it and say that they need to have it clean before they do something like TV they usually do it without putting up too much of a fight. They are young, 3 and 6. Sometimes they help pick up before I need to vacuum, other times they won’t want to help and I don’t force it. I do try to make it fun for them and have them join in. My little one enjoys helping me change the bedding,

I feel a little bad to admit it, but I barely helped my mom (stay at home) with chores growing up. Sometimes she would have us sort the laundry and put it away, or help vacuum, but that’s about it. I would put up a big fight and refuse to clean my room, which would create some screaming matches, although I think I eventually would do it. I’m not sure if I did not do many chores just because she did not ask me to, or she would ask and I would not help and she didn’t want to force it. I think in general it was seen as our main job was to study and get good grades, which we all did, and she would do almost all of the chores.

now as an adult, I do not love doing chores of course, but I do it because we need to in order to keep our household running. Oddly, I stay on top of chores a lot more in my 40s than I did in my 20s and early 30s when I was living with roommates. I’m not the neatest but I like a mostly tidy house. Anyway, my general idea is to invite my kids to keep helping me, encouraging them to help, but I’m not sure I really want to force it…although it would maybe be good if they had some regular responsibilities as they get older since I work full-time, and it would be nice to have their help.

I’m curious, if you were not made to do chores growing up, do you wish your parents had pushed more? Sometimes I wonder if I would’ve benefited from doing more chores, since there are all of these good outcomes, but I’m not really sure since it feels like I figured it out all my own eventually.

I wonder if some of the figuring it out on my own was due to socialization as being a woman. Most of the people that I know who were really slobs into adulthood are men who I think were just comfortable living in a mess.

What is this research and what are all of these good outcomes?

[Anonymous]

We had a cook and housekeeper so I never had to do any chores. I was born Type A so my bedroom never got too messy though. I am perfectly fine with not having been made to do chores.

[Anonymous]

Never had "chores" but my parents were pretty neglectful. I was a bit like Matilda - learned to cook and do my own laundry by 3rd grade. If I wanted or needed something I had to make that happen. Eventually found my way through college and grad school fully funded. Then found a great husband, got a high paying job, and had 2 kids. My kids don't do chores, but I ensure they are responsible for their own laundry, hygiene (including room cleaning) and the older ones do all their own shopping. I'm not neglectful and I discuss with them why I parent the way I do.

In the end the neglect served me well. I know I can learn anything on my own and I don't believe people when they say something is difficult. I rarely find a problem I can't solve.

[Anonymous]

I'll be an outlier here and say that yes, I do wish I'd graduated a college as a more competent adult. I did learn quite a lot after school, but I'm still very shaky on things like how to properly mop. And I never knew things like not to cut vegetables on the same cutting board as raw chicken. That seems obvious, but I was sort of an academic space cadet... the type of person that didn't have a ton of common sense.

[Anonymous]

I wish I’d had more chores. I was raised by a SAHM who handled everything.

I think having chores would have helped ground me and give me a break from schoolwork. It would have made me feel more a part of the family unit and like I was contributing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're navigating the chore dynamic with your kids in a way that feels comfortable for your family. While you reflect on your own upbringing, your approach of inviting your kids to help without forcing it seems balanced. Finding that sweet spot between encouraging responsibility and allowing autonomy is key. Trusting your instincts as a parent and fostering a sense of responsibility in your children will likely lead to positive outcomes, regardless of the specific chores they do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I wish they’d had more chores too, and that ours(the kids’) were equally divided.

JUST more chores? No.

[Anonymous]

I wish I’d helped my mom with cooking and dishes, vacuuming, etc. I did clean/tidy on my own, mostly because I enjoyed it. But our house was neither spotless nor truly organized. Now that I’ve had my own home for 20 years, I’m pretty good at keeping it tidy but not spotless. I think a lot of pressure to do X, y times a week or moth is just bs pressure women put on ourselves. I’ve told my girls to hire cleaners if they have jobs where it’s just too much to handle. We don’t currently have cleaners.

[Anonymous]

I would have liked to do more cooking with my mom and learn more around the house yes. I also think a few weekly chores is a good thing for discipline. Like washing dishes or something. Probably not more than 30 minutes a day. And then learning a skill once a week like helping to cook a meal or work outside.

[Anonymous]

I wish DH had chores growing up, because his mother did everything, even his laundry when he was in college . He still won’t do laundry or clean. I make my sons do chores so that their future wives don’t hate me.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have any chores and now I’m a stay at home mom and literally do everything for my family’s smooth operation. I’m happy with it. Making my kids do chores is way more hassle than it’s worth. My daughter’s a teenager and she’s starting to ask me “how do I run a load of laundry? How do I cook/bake this?” Her boyfriend cooks a lot for his family and she’s realizing she’s a bit behind the eight ball on stuff like this. I think it’s perfectly fine that she has been focused on being a kid and schoolwork and her sports up until this point. It’s not gonna take her a whole lot of time to learn these skills and I have been happy to take care of them for my family all this time. I consider staying at home a full-time job literally 24 hours. I do not have A Cleaning Lady, or a cook, or a driver, or a babysitter— I have never farmed out the work to anyone else.
I barely did chores as a kid and I turned out pretty good. I expect the same of my kids. They’re not selfish. They don’t have a superiority complex and if I asked them to do anything, they would immediately do it. I think that’s the most important thing. If you have some selfish pricks and they refuse to do some dusting around the house when asked, you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

children have been put in charge of either household or agrarian responsibilities since the beginning of time. Even Emperors children and royalty. OP I wouldn’t do a sociology study on one generation of DCUM-reading-brats who didn’t have chores and didn’t want them. You wouldn’t want to turn out like them.

[Anonymous]

We didn't have much. Our rooms had to be clean by Sunday night to get our allowance for the week, but that was about it. Our "job" was academics, sports, ECs, and we did them well.

Both of us went to college and learned to do laundry the first week in the dorms. Cooking was learned in our first apartment. It's not rocket science.

I think kids need responsibilities, but it doesn't need to be in the form of chores. Homework, volunteering, work, practicing piano, getting themselves to sports practice on time...all teach following through on a committment.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a single mom and obsessed with having a clean house. Unfortunately, she worked most of the time - which led to my sister and I doing all the chores. I pulled weeds, emptied the dishwasher, washed the car, vacuumed the floor, did the laundry ... That is what I remember most about my childhood - getting yelled at for not doing the chores well enough. It did not make me a better person.

[Anonymous]

We had some basic chores. Setting the table, cleaning up after dinner, mowing the lawn, taking care of family pets. Don’t really wish I had more and I know we gave my parents a really hard time about it!! But we both learned a lot on our own, when we had to. And I think more than daily responsibilities what helped us learn was how visible my parents work on the house was. They were always doing yard work and house work on the weekends so we were around to watch, even if we were playing nearby, I think it imprinted on us that adults take care of their home. So I think it may be tougher these days when people are spending more hours at work and thus more gets outsourced, and you begin to think it’s something someone else does.