Ideal time to start a family?

[Anonymous]

Do enjoy first anniversary as a childfree couple and then get on baby project.

[Anonymous]

I also got married at 31, after being together for about 3 years. Started trying about a year and a half after the wedding. Got pregnant on fourth try at age of 33.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do enjoy first anniversary as a childfree couple and then get on baby project.

OP here. We are going to get appointments and make sure everything is good. I’ve started prepping my body with prenatals and we do plan to start in the fall if all works out.

I guess I’m just letting everyone get in my head. Some told us have kids immediately and many of our older relatives who have all been married for 20-40+ years told us to wait at least 5 years together kid free because we haven’t had much time spent together before the chaos of kids.

[Anonymous]

There is no ideal time.
We adopted DD when I was 40. 51 now with an 11yo, no regrets.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know plans don’t always go as planned but my hope would be to be pregnant within 6 months, have baby next year, wait 1-1.5 years and get pregnant with second. Maybe a third 1-1 years later if we are not done with 2.

[Anonymous]

Don't overthink it. That's my belief. You can be conscientious. You might get pregnant so strive for healthy habits. Otherwise just let it happen. When it happens, it happens. And assume that was the right time for it to happen. I'm not religious but I am a believer that it's bad karma to try to maximize control over all outcomes (since you're married and it's reasonable)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't overthink it. That's my belief. You can be conscientious. You might get pregnant so strive for healthy habits. Otherwise just let it happen. When it happens, it happens. And assume that was the right time for it to happen. I'm not religious but I am a believer that it's bad karma to try to maximize control over all outcomes (since you're married and it's reasonable)

OP here. I’m not doing anything different but my doctor did say to start a prenatal 6 months before we start trying and we plan to run labs to make sure everything looks good.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it is not a choice. I got pregnant from one time sex in a horrible marriage at 33 and 36. No sex in between. I was initiating divorce before the first. Had been married a year. It was never good. It was one time sex in both instances. I was off the pill due to illness for 2 days with the first…he would not stop badgering me.

The best is when you are solid in the marriage and both want kids. This could be age 30-40 in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it is not a choice. I got pregnant from one time sex in a horrible marriage at 33 and 36. No sex in between. I was initiating divorce before the first. Had been married a year. It was never good. It was one time sex in both instances. I was off the pill due to illness for 2 days with the first…he would not stop badgering me.

The best is when you are solid in the marriage and both want kids. This could be age 30-40 in my opinion.

OP here. Sorry to hear this. We are very happy and in a great marriage. We are intimate daily or every other day. Sometimes more on the weekends.

I go to get my IUD out next month. I’ve been looking up prenatal vitamins and will be taking those next month. Then actively starting around 1 year anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Started dating at 25 (me)/26 (DH)
Engaged at 26/27
Married at 27/28 (after grad school)
Had DC at 30/31 (one and done intentionally)

DH and I both feel this timing has been ideal for us. We had 5 years as a couple getting our personal and professional ducks in a row before DC arrived, and will hopefully have many more years to enjoy together as relatively young empty nesters.

[Anonymous]

I was 40, my wife was 38, we had been trying for 10 years before a treatment finally succeeded. So, infertility can wreak havoc with plans.

That said, our relatively older age meant we were much better prepared financially; my wife stopped working to stay home after our child was born, which meant she benefited from ten years of additional earnings towards saving/retirement than she otherwise would have had. But, we cut it close, even if unintentionally - had we been much older, the chances of a pregnancy would have been even more dismal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are financially ready. We both have great careers. We have a home, no debt, and we have ample money in retirement funds, savings, and emergency funds.

[Anonymous]

I was 33, 36 and 41. Pregnant easily and fast with each kid. One miscarriage in between kid 2 and 3. Married 8 years before trying. Didn't think we wanted kids and then changed our minds...so we had a lot of "just us" time in our 20s and early 30s. Thought I was happy with two but then at 41 decided to try for a girl (and got her).

I wish I were younger, if only so I could have more years with my children on this Earth. That said...the thought of being an empty nester by 50 sounds sad to me. I feel happy knowing I'll still have a child in my house when I'm pushing 60. I'm sure that sounds sad to others! But for me, when I hear friends around my age talking about their kids leaving for college, I feel this tightening in my chest...I am not anywhere near ready for that! Still have 4 years to go for my oldest. Empty nest doesn't appeal to me. Maybe by the time I get there I'll be ready. I had zero desire for children and didn't even like kids when I was young; something transformed inside me the moment my first baby was born. And these kids became my reason for being!

The positive about having my kids later is that we are in A+ financial shape. HHI just crossed seven figures this year, so we can afford a wonderful life with our family of 5. Lots of travel, activities, country club membership where we do lots of fun things together...zero money stress. Even when the first baby was born we felt stress with day care costs, diapers, etc. By the time baby #3 came I went wild decorating the nursery, buying every girly outfit I'd been wanting to buy for years. College is covered for all three. Not sure my career trajectory would have been as lucrative had I had children sooner. I really ground it out at work in my 20s and now in my 40s I'm reaping the benefits of a high income and a lot of flexibility (finance).

If money were a non-issue, I wish I'd have had all my kids about 5 years earlier. I take care of myself and people act surprised when they hear my age, but man, when I see the other preschool moms who are a good 10-15 years younger than I am, I think, damn. I hope I don't look like a granny by the time my girl is in middle school.

[Anonymous]

I think it was the Gottman institute that said marriages do best when you don’t have a child until after two years. I married at 25 and had my first at 28. Like many have said, I personally think late twenties to early thirties is ideal. I was able to have three kids before the “advanced maternal age” category kicks in at 35. But you have to balance the needs of the marriage with the age of the woman to make this decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you’re married, mature and gainfully employed, the ideal time is in your late twenties. I had my kids at 29 and 32, and am now pregnant with my third at 35. I really wouldn’t suggest older than that. It took me a year to get pregnant with my first and ideally I would have been done before 35. The ideal window for me is 27-34.

This board is full of people who will tell you they didn’t start having kids before 35 and never would have been ready. Maybe that’s true, and the best parent is a committed parent, but I think people mess around for too long. In my personal experience, everyone I know started around 30, had two kids, and then in their mid to late thirties when they felt wanted to have a third, felt it was too late. I live in NY and I’m liberal. I’m not in a flyover state or Christian. Just telling you like it is. Once you have children, you will want as many years with them as possible and I wouldn’t have wanted to trade a few more years of sleeping until 10am on weekends or a few more child free vacations in Italy to have kids. Get that done in your mid twenties.

it's odd to recommend against something you've never done or experienced.