Ladies, wound you reach out first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure - reach out if you want. What's the harm?

PP here. Reaching out in this scenario is a complete waste of time. The harm is wasting time on something that’s not going anywhere and missing a chance of meeting other people where there could be an actual future. Very clear he only wants sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

How do I know that he only wanted sex, until I actually have sex with him? Maybe he thinks I'm dating many others. Sex could be not a self-goal (he's too old for that), but a natural phase of a relationship for him, where it stalled. Thus he exited.

[Anonymous]

No. He's not into you OP. Men will never hesitate to let you know if they are into you.

[Anonymous]

Can someone respond how do I actually know he only wanted sex, before even trying to have sex? I think I did give him reasons to feel discouraged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

How do I know that he only wanted sex, until I actually have sex with him? Maybe he thinks I'm dating many others. Sex could be not a self-goal (he's too old for that), but a natural phase of a relationship for him, where it stalled. Thus he exited.

Are you really this dumb? It is obvious he was trying to sleep with you you were resistant and that’s all he wanted so he gave up. If he was interested in something more than sex, he would’ve contacted you by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

How do I know that he only wanted sex, until I actually have sex with him? Maybe he thinks I'm dating many others. Sex could be not a self-goal (he's too old for that), but a natural phase of a relationship for him, where it stalled. Thus he exited.

Are you really this dumb? It is obvious he was trying to sleep with you you were resistant and that’s all he wanted so he gave up. If he was interested in something more than sex, he would’ve contacted you by now.

There were logistical complications on both sides back then (him about to travel and me being in the middle of a court dispute with little mental space). I think it left little time for both of us to consider anything long term back then. And I didn’t want to end up hurt .
Now I’m thinking it was stupid - I can’t avoid dating because I’m scared of getting scars from sleeping with men I liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why do you want to prove that you’re “ok physically”, or think you need to do that in order to receive exclusivity.

Work on your self esteem first, and then find a man who wants exclusivity with you because that’s what he is looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why do you want to prove that you’re “ok physically”, or think you need to do that in order to receive exclusivity.

Work on your self esteem first, and then find a man who wants exclusivity with you because that’s what he is looking for.

OP here - yes, I don’t think honestly I would be able to O if I know the man is sleeping with many others. That would be a total act of showing non-conditional affection on my end, leaving him with all the cards. I never placed myself in such position of weakness or had one-off thing, but he’s too attractive to pass.
He also might be reluctant to become exclusive prior to us even being physical. Don’t you think it’s fair ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Ugh — do men really fade if you say you only want sex in the context of a relationship/ exclusive situation?

Any guy who steps away if I say that is welcome to go. Someone who really likes me is not going to leave.

OP here: I was in a long distance long term relationship before. That person didn't pull away, he in fact made it possible for the circumstances to change. This person didn't text me once or checked on me at all while on his travels. I was going through a really difficult custody related stuff with my ex which is now resolved. This makes me not want to follow up: this person seems to be very easy to give up on something good, when circumstances are not favorable.

You told him no, and wanted different things. If he continued to pursue you he would look like a creep.

You can reach out, but only if you are ok with a casual relationship and having sex. Otherwise, don't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why do you want to prove that you’re “ok physically”, or think you need to do that in order to receive exclusivity.

Work on your self esteem first, and then find a man who wants exclusivity with you because that’s what he is looking for.

OP here - yes, I don’t think honestly I would be able to O if I know the man is sleeping with many others. That would be a total act of showing non-conditional affection on my end, leaving him with all the cards. I never placed myself in such position of weakness or had one-off thing, but he’s too attractive to pass.
He also might be reluctant to become exclusive prior to us even being physical. Don’t you think it’s fair ?

I think I recognize this person’s writing style…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

How do I know that he only wanted sex, until I actually have sex with him? Maybe he thinks I'm dating many others. Sex could be not a self-goal (he's too old for that), but a natural phase of a relationship for him, where it stalled. Thus he exited.

Too old for what? THere are plenty of f_ boys in their 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Ugh — do men really fade if you say you only want sex in the context of a relationship/ exclusive situation?

Any guy who steps away if I say that is welcome to go. Someone who really likes me is not going to leave.

OP here: I was in a long distance long term relationship before. That person didn't pull away, he in fact made it possible for the circumstances to change. This person didn't text me once or checked on me at all while on his travels. I was going through a really difficult custody related stuff with my ex which is now resolved. This makes me not want to follow up: this person seems to be very easy to give up on something good, when circumstances are not favorable.

You told him no, and wanted different things. If he continued to pursue you he would look like a creep.

You can reach out, but only if you are ok with a casual relationship and having sex. Otherwise, don't bother.

He was saying he was interested to have a long term relationship ideally but he was in the middle of other life changing events back then.
Don’t you think if we had sex now it still would remain casual, because he didn’t attempt to maintain contact while was away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why do you want to prove that you’re “ok physically”, or think you need to do that in order to receive exclusivity.

Work on your self esteem first, and then find a man who wants exclusivity with you because that’s what he is looking for.

OP here - yes, I don’t think honestly I would be able to O if I know the man is sleeping with many others. That would be a total act of showing non-conditional affection on my end, leaving him with all the cards. I never placed myself in such position of weakness or had one-off thing, but he’s too attractive to pass.
He also might be reluctant to become exclusive prior to us even being physical. Don’t you think it’s fair ?

I think I recognize this person’s writing style…

Same!

[Anonymous]

Two reasonable choices:

1. Reach out, tell him you're in a better place than you were back then, and you want him. Have sex, and see where it goes.

2. Move on.

The kind of guy who is able to pull sex from casual dates isn't the kind of guy who is going to go exclusive with someone who makes him wait. That only works on men who aren't physically attractive.
You might be able to get him exclusive if you commit to having unrestrained sex frequently.

[Anonymous]

PS-- watching you on social media means nothing. If it is an Instagram story, they just scroll to the next person you are following.

I check to see if an ex is still alive occasionally because he was an alcoholic, but we haven't spoken in 2 years and I have no desire to get together again, or even text a hello.