Ladies, wound you reach out first?

[Anonymous]

Dated someone for about a month. There were life circumstances which prevented us taking it to physical stage ( I declined). He faded away, and then went for an extended trip. I, in turn, recently broke up with a new short term guy. The life circumstances also changed on my end which would make it easier to move forward with that past winter relationship.
Saw him snooping on my online profile a few days back. His last message before the trip was he could get in touch when he’s back to see if we want to meet.
Ladies, would you text first asking smth casual? I was socialized to never reach back first to a man, but maybe he’s discouraged as it was me who didn’t move it to the physical stage. He might think I’m a flake/time waster.

[Anonymous]

If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dated someone for about a month. There were life circumstances which prevented us taking it to physical stage ( I declined). He faded away, and then went for an extended trip. I, in turn, recently broke up with a new short term guy. The life circumstances also changed on my end which would make it easier to move forward with that past winter relationship.
Saw him snooping on my online profile a few days back. His last message before the trip was he could get in touch when he’s back to see if we want to meet.
Ladies, would you text first asking smth casual? I was socialized to never reach back first to a man, but maybe he’s discouraged as it was me who didn’t move it to the physical stage. He might think I’m a flake/time waster.

Based on what you've described, that would be a reasonable conclusion for him to reach.

Quit playing games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated someone for about a month. There were life circumstances which prevented us taking it to physical stage ( I declined). He faded away, and then went for an extended trip. I, in turn, recently broke up with a new short term guy. The life circumstances also changed on my end which would make it easier to move forward with that past winter relationship.
Saw him snooping on my online profile a few days back. His last message before the trip was he could get in touch when he’s back to see if we want to meet.
Ladies, would you text first asking smth casual? I was socialized to never reach back first to a man, but maybe he’s discouraged as it was me who didn’t move it to the physical stage. He might think I’m a flake/time waster.

Based on what you've described, that would be a reasonable conclusion for him to reach.

Quit playing games.

I wasn't playing games - sex makes me attached emotionally. He seemed like dating many other women (so did I), plus many side complications with both of us being somewhat transitory in life. Yes, there were several moments he had asked for *sex* and I declined. I in fact wanted him, but was thinking rationally of where it would lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated someone for about a month. There were life circumstances which prevented us taking it to physical stage ( I declined). He faded away, and then went for an extended trip. I, in turn, recently broke up with a new short term guy. The life circumstances also changed on my end which would make it easier to move forward with that past winter relationship.
Saw him snooping on my online profile a few days back. His last message before the trip was he could get in touch when he’s back to see if we want to meet.
Ladies, would you text first asking smth casual? I was socialized to never reach back first to a man, but maybe he’s discouraged as it was me who didn’t move it to the physical stage. He might think I’m a flake/time waster.

Based on what you've described, that would be a reasonable conclusion for him to reach.

Quit playing games.

I wasn't playing games - sex makes me attached emotionally. He seemed like dating many other women (so did I), plus many side complications with both of us being somewhat transitory in life. Yes, there were several moments he had asked for *sex* and I declined. I in fact wanted him, but was thinking rationally of where it would lead.

That's "flake," from his perspective. It might not be game-playing, but it's not attractive. You couldn't act on what you wanted? From his perspective, who's to say it won't be a repeat? You should certainly reach out, but just look at things from his perspective. And if you DO reach out, just understand what you're signaling and be prepared to act accordingly. In other words, don't walk up to the line again and then pull away.

[Anonymous]

^^Ugh — do men really fade if you say you only want sex in the context of a relationship/ exclusive situation?

Any guy who steps away if I say that is welcome to go. Someone who really likes me is not going to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Ugh — do men really fade if you say you only want sex in the context of a relationship/ exclusive situation?

Any guy who steps away if I say that is welcome to go. Someone who really likes me is not going to leave.

OP here: I was in a long distance long term relationship before. That person didn't pull away, he in fact made it possible for the circumstances to change. This person didn't text me once or checked on me at all while on his travels. I was going through a really difficult custody related stuff with my ex which is now resolved. This makes me not want to follow up: this person seems to be very easy to give up on something good, when circumstances are not favorable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

I'm a grown up woman and not overly concerned about this becoming a ONS. This is part of dating, and probably better to see right away if that was the only thing he was after

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

OP, honestly, if you’re going to “but” every answer, why pose the question to start with here?

Sounds like you had your own complications as to why you’re not in contact. He may be wondering your position. He is on your profile, so still interested, but probably concerned about being rejected again. Can you blame him?

[Anonymous]

He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Sure - reach out if you want. What's the harm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

Not PP but no, you don’t reach out to him and have a one night stand and then ask for exclusivity, that’s ridiculous. He is only interested in a sexual relationship and you are interested in more than that so you two are not compatible. You looking for more more, but he is not. Out to him and do not waste your own time. Find somebody else.