Ladies, wound you reach out first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re interested, what’s the harm, really? I man, it’s already at “no”, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I get the socialization thing, but if women truly want egalitarian relationships, they need to start as they intend to continue. Sounds like there was mutual interest.

But he said in his last text "he could reach out". And he didn't despite checking out my profile again. Maybe he's not interested enough. He definitely has time to text all other women onlline

He's interested enough if you offer sex. Is that what you want?

I am the same in getting emotionally attached. Knowing that I am up front about wanting a relationship and only having sex in the context of being exclusive with someone who potentially wants more. I will hook up and do other things so we know if there is chemistry. But I'm looking for someone who is serious and who sees me as a potential partner. If he doesn't really value the rest of what I bring and sex itself is a dealbreaker I doubt we will be compatible. There are a lot of personal qualities that I'm looking for in a man, why lower my bar and be unhappy?

So what do you suggest: hook up with him once, to show I'm ok physically and (presuming he wants to continue) ask for exclusivity/stop seeing others if he wants to try build something with me?

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why do you want to prove that you’re “ok physically”, or think you need to do that in order to receive exclusivity.

Work on your self esteem first, and then find a man who wants exclusivity with you because that’s what he is looking for.

OP here - yes, I don’t think honestly I would be able to O if I know the man is sleeping with many others. That would be a total act of showing non-conditional affection on my end, leaving him with all the cards. I never placed myself in such position of weakness or had one-off thing, but he’s too attractive to pass.
He also might be reluctant to become exclusive prior to us even being physical. Don’t you think it’s fair ?

I think I recognize this person’s writing style…

Don’t post that. Now she won’t be able to finish the thread knowing you’re reading other threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two reasonable choices:

1. Reach out, tell him you're in a better place than you were back then, and you want him. Have sex, and see where it goes.

2. Move on.

The kind of guy who is able to pull sex from casual dates isn't the kind of guy who is going to go exclusive with someone who makes him wait. That only works on men who aren't physically attractive.
You might be able to get him exclusive if you commit to having unrestrained sex frequently.

I’m totally fine with unrestricted sex with him but only if he’s not sleeping with others. That requires unprotected oral, std testing etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure - reach out if you want. What's the harm?

PP here. Reaching out in this scenario is a complete waste of time. The harm is wasting time on something that’s not going anywhere and missing a chance of meeting other people where there could be an actual future. Very clear he only wants sex.

A woman I want to be with in a relationship is turned on enough to have sex with me. If she isn't turned on enough to have sex I move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS-- watching you on social media means nothing. If it is an Instagram story, they just scroll to the next person you are following.

I check to see if an ex is still alive occasionally because he was an alcoholic, but we haven't spoken in 2 years and I have no desire to get together again, or even text a hello.

He glanced over my dating profile

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

This! A guy interested in you is not going to drop you because you didn’t sleep with him right away (or even a month into things). Guaranteed, OP. Take it from this 45 year old happily married woman who lived it up until her early 30s. No man worth your time is going to leave if you don’t offer sex on his timetable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

This! A guy interested in you is not going to drop you because you didn’t sleep with him right away (or even a month into things). Guaranteed, OP. Take it from this 45 year old happily married woman who lived it up until her early 30s. No man worth your time is going to leave if you don’t offer sex on his timetable.

OP here - I decided not to follow up. I don’t get any satisfaction from ONS, usually takes a month to build it up physically with a partner who is attentive etc.

The fact he didn’t reach out since mid Feb tells me he thinks something is not right for LTR, or his circumstances still don’t allow a LTR.

If he texts me himself (which takes a few seconds), I’ll seize the opportunity and certainly will sleep with him the first evening I see him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

This! A guy interested in you is not going to drop you because you didn’t sleep with him right away (or even a month into things). Guaranteed, OP. Take it from this 45 year old happily married woman who lived it up until her early 30s. No man worth your time is going to leave if you don’t offer sex on his timetable.

OP here - I decided not to follow up. I don’t get any satisfaction from ONS, usually takes a month to build it up physically with a partner who is attentive etc.

The fact he didn’t reach out since mid Feb tells me he thinks something is not right for LTR, or his circumstances still don’t allow a LTR.

If he texts me himself (which takes a few seconds), I’ll seize the opportunity and certainly will sleep with him the first evening I see him again.

I’m the pp you quoted and now I’m confused. So you DO want to sleep with him? In that case just call him, nothing to lose? I thought you wanted to be exclusive first etc. What changed on your end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

This! A guy interested in you is not going to drop you because you didn’t sleep with him right away (or even a month into things). Guaranteed, OP. Take it from this 45 year old happily married woman who lived it up until her early 30s. No man worth your time is going to leave if you don’t offer sex on his timetable.

OP here - I decided not to follow up. I don’t get any satisfaction from ONS, usually takes a month to build it up physically with a partner who is attentive etc.

The fact he didn’t reach out since mid Feb tells me he thinks something is not right for LTR, or his circumstances still don’t allow a LTR.

If he texts me himself (which takes a few seconds), I’ll seize the opportunity and certainly will sleep with him the first evening I see him again.

I’m the pp you quoted and now I’m confused. So you DO want to sleep with him? In that case just call him, nothing to lose? I thought you wanted to be exclusive first etc. What changed on your end?

Because if he reached first, that would signal to me he’s ready for something more than ONS. And then I would take the risk sleeping with him. He already knows me, and that I see him through and don’t buy any BS. He also said in his last message “he could reach back”. He didn’t offer me “feel free to reach back when I’m back on X date”. Maybe he wanted to close the opportunity for me texting him back that way, and in fact didn’t want to be contacted. I don’t know for sure, but I’ll follow his literal words and will wait for him to reach back.

If I text first - that just feels desperate reach for a hookup (which I don’t need).

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. Woman rejects someone, and expects them to reach out in an act of desperation.

Sounds to me like you made him think you just weren't that into him.

[Anonymous]

If you want to hook up sure. Otherwise you guys didn't really click so meh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. Woman rejects someone, and expects them to reach out in an act of desperation.

Sounds to me like you made him think you just weren't that into him.

No, he knows why I didn’t sleep with him. I said I would, but on XYZ terms eg holding his end of the deal/stop sleeping with others if he wanted to try it with me. He knows I didn’t trust him on that, which is why I didn’t sleep with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dated someone for about a month. There were life circumstances which prevented us taking it to physical stage ( I declined). He faded away, and then went for an extended trip. I, in turn, recently broke up with a new short term guy. The life circumstances also changed on my end which would make it easier to move forward with that past winter relationship.
Saw him snooping on my online profile a few days back. His last message before the trip was he could get in touch when he’s back to see if we want to meet.
Ladies, would you text first asking smth casual? I was socialized to never reach back first to a man, but maybe he’s discouraged as it was me who didn’t move it to the physical stage. He might think I’m a flake/time waster.

This is nonsense. If you want to see him, reach out. If you don't, then don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated someone for about a month. There were life circumstances which prevented us taking it to physical stage ( I declined). He faded away, and then went for an extended trip. I, in turn, recently broke up with a new short term guy. The life circumstances also changed on my end which would make it easier to move forward with that past winter relationship.
Saw him snooping on my online profile a few days back. His last message before the trip was he could get in touch when he’s back to see if we want to meet.
Ladies, would you text first asking smth casual? I was socialized to never reach back first to a man, but maybe he’s discouraged as it was me who didn’t move it to the physical stage. He might think I’m a flake/time waster.

This is nonsense. If you want to see him, reach out. If you don't, then don't.

In his last text he said he could reach out. He didn’t suggest that I reach out if I’m available . This is usually what guys who are rejected but are interested offer . I sense he’s still unavailable or just wants to play the field, and I usually follow my gut feeling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS-- watching you on social media means nothing. If it is an Instagram story, they just scroll to the next person you are following.

I check to see if an ex is still alive occasionally because he was an alcoholic, but we haven't spoken in 2 years and I have no desire to get together again, or even text a hello.

He glanced over my dating profile

Means nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wanted sex. You did not. He has not reached out for more than that. This is not going anywhere. Move on.

This! A guy interested in you is not going to drop you because you didn’t sleep with him right away (or even a month into things). Guaranteed, OP. Take it from this 45 year old happily married woman who lived it up until her early 30s. No man worth your time is going to leave if you don’t offer sex on his timetable.

OP here - I decided not to follow up. I don’t get any satisfaction from ONS, usually takes a month to build it up physically with a partner who is attentive etc.

The fact he didn’t reach out since mid Feb tells me he thinks something is not right for LTR, or his circumstances still don’t allow a LTR.

If he texts me himself (which takes a few seconds), I’ll seize the opportunity and certainly will sleep with him the first evening I see him again.

I’m the pp you quoted and now I’m confused. So you DO want to sleep with him? In that case just call him, nothing to lose? I thought you wanted to be exclusive first etc. What changed on your end?

Because if he reached first, that would signal to me he’s ready for something more than ONS. And then I would take the risk sleeping with him. He already knows me, and that I see him through and don’t buy any BS. He also said in his last message “he could reach back”. He didn’t offer me “feel free to reach back when I’m back on X date”. Maybe he wanted to close the opportunity for me texting him back that way, and in fact didn’t want to be contacted. I don’t know for sure, but I’ll follow his literal words and will wait for him to reach back.

If I text first - that just feels desperate reach for a hookup (which I don’t need).

I’m going to show my age by using this phrase but

That’s crazy talk! You can’t assume anything solely on the basis of whether and when he sends you a measly text. He might just be fishing to see if you’re now desperate enough, which it sounds like you might be.

You’re overthinking and living in your head instead of communicating with people. I don’t see anything good coming out of either of you texting each other, based on your last post quoted above.