Vent: Well-adjusted socially does not equal "villain"

[Anonymous]

The mom of the “most popular” girl in my DD’s class thinks her dd is perfect. Meanwhile this girl isn’t just socially well adjusted, she’s actually mean. She spreads rumors about people she doesn’t like, she shares private texts from former friends and is quite mean. Not to everyone of course; she’s nice to the people she likes, so that what her mom sees.

So op, can I suggest that you may want to step back because your kid may not be as perfect as you assume?

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old who recently went through friend drama. Your job is to listen but not solve. Your daughter will figure this out. It may take a while and she might make mistakes along the way, but that Is part of growing up for both of you.

[Anonymous]

You are far too invested in this. Wow.

[Anonymous]

I can’t read this between the length and the boring detail but agree with others that you are too involved in your kid’s social life.

Practice benign negligence and let her figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Also I just skimmed enough to note that you repeatedly refer to your DD as popular. That’s a red flag. Teach your daughter that popularity is a fictional construct (unless you do a well designed survey but I doubt you did that here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really can't call girls or women "pick me" so I stopped there. I know it's popular lingo but I shut it down the one time my kids talked like that about someone.

Yeah same about saying "pick me". That was gross to read.

[Anonymous]

First off, you are too involved in the minutia. I get it - I made that mistake at one point.

I’ll say this - my best friend and I had daughters who were best friends, and I think our friendship is why they continued being friends years past their expiration date (we spend so much time together, went on trips etc that it was very inconvenient for them to not be friends). Because my best friends daughter was similarly toxic to my daughter and I wish I had completely disengaged and let them fall apart on their own.

I’d almost say to stop pushing so hard for your daughter to be the bigger person constantly. The other kid isn’t going to.

Worse case, start prepping her to disengage in high school which is soon I assume.

[Anonymous]

I still don't know what pick me is exactly as I've heard different things but whatever Larla is dealing with demonstrates VERY common patterns of behavior. Dd will be served much better to recognize them and end the relationship despite any gossipy fallout. With friends like Larla, who needs enemies! Wouldn't this age be better served with friends who don't spread gossip whether you're on their good side or not? Lara's insecurities are out of control, why is your dd putting up with it? It's fine to distance yourself from the family no matter how deep your friendship has been. It will hurt and be awkward but maybe they'll come around again and if they don't you'll know it was hanging off the premise of your dds' friendship. Nothing is worse than putting up with some toxic type to avoid gossip fallout, that is how those people continue to thrive. If she does not learn now to recognize and cut out someone with repeating disrespectful behavior, she won't be as confident avoiding it in the future. As a kid she is learning, teach her to not tolerate this or she'll remain the wishy washy "don't rock the boat" type scared of the reactions of unstable people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, you are too involved in the minutia. I get it - I made that mistake at one point.

I’ll say this - my best friend and I had daughters who were best friends, and I think our friendship is why they continued being friends years past their expiration date (we spend so much time together, went on trips etc that it was very inconvenient for them to not be friends). Because my best friends daughter was similarly toxic to my daughter and I wish I had completely disengaged and let them fall apart on their own.

I’d almost say to stop pushing so hard for your daughter to be the bigger person constantly. The other kid isn’t going to.

Worse case, start prepping her to disengage in high school which is soon I assume.

Thanks. This is helpful, especially the bolded. I do think I am always harping on my DD to be kind and understanding no matter what and I don't think that's serving the situation. DD probably needs to be more honest, and if that offends Larla, it is what it is. Maybe a resolution will come out of it, too. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't know what pick me is exactly as I've heard different things but whatever Larla is dealing with demonstrates VERY common patterns of behavior. Dd will be served much better to recognize them and end the relationship despite any gossipy fallout. With friends like Larla, who needs enemies! Wouldn't this age be better served with friends who don't spread gossip whether you're on their good side or not? Lara's insecurities are out of control, why is your dd putting up with it? It's fine to distance yourself from the family no matter how deep your friendship has been. It will hurt and be awkward but maybe they'll come around again and if they don't you'll know it was hanging off the premise of your dds' friendship. Nothing is worse than putting up with some toxic type to avoid gossip fallout, that is how those people continue to thrive. If she does not learn now to recognize and cut out someone with repeating disrespectful behavior, she won't be as confident avoiding it in the future. As a kid she is learning, teach her to not tolerate this or she'll remain the wishy washy "don't rock the boat" type scared of the reactions of unstable people.

Thank you for reading my novel and your very astute observations! I don't want to teach my DD to tolerate this in the future, you're right. Really appreciate your post, thanks again -OP

[Anonymous]

Pick-me is terrible language to use and an awful label to give girls and women. It comes from the Female Dating Strategy which is a horrible sexist movement that has been banned on many platforms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not reading all that but you clearly need to take several steps back and stop being so involved and hovering.

Amen. I’m not reading all that nonsense either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick-me is terrible language to use and an awful label to give girls and women. It comes from the Female Dating Strategy which is a horrible sexist movement that has been banned on many platforms.

OP here. I had no idea about any of this. Literally just came across that article from Parents and what it described sounded like things Larla has said and done. I didn't mean to offend and now that I know, I will never use that term again.

I just googled "Female Dating Strategy." This almost seems like the opposite of mens' rights activism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't know what pick me is exactly as I've heard different things but whatever Larla is dealing with demonstrates VERY common patterns of behavior. Dd will be served much better to recognize them and end the relationship despite any gossipy fallout. With friends like Larla, who needs enemies! Wouldn't this age be better served with friends who don't spread gossip whether you're on their good side or not? Lara's insecurities are out of control, why is your dd putting up with it? It's fine to distance yourself from the family no matter how deep your friendship has been. It will hurt and be awkward but maybe they'll come around again and if they don't you'll know it was hanging off the premise of your dds' friendship. Nothing is worse than putting up with some toxic type to avoid gossip fallout, that is how those people continue to thrive. If she does not learn now to recognize and cut out someone with repeating disrespectful behavior, she won't be as confident avoiding it in the future. As a kid she is learning, teach her to not tolerate this or she'll remain the wishy washy "don't rock the boat" type scared of the reactions of unstable people.

What Is a “Pick Me”? A “pick me” is a slang term used to describe a person, typically a female, who seeks attention and approval, often from men. These individuals may go to great lengths to appear more desirable to men than other women. The behavior associated with being a “pick me” can be problematic, as it often involves promoting misogynistic views or undermining other women to gain favor with men.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would give permission to my daughter to not be friends with Larla anymore.