Vent: Well-adjusted socially does not equal "villain"
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Anonymous
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My DD (just turned 13) has a friend that can maybe be described as a "pick me". This seems to be a common phenomenon at the MS level. Just came across this:
https://www.parents.com/what-is-a-pick-me-and-why-it-can-be-damaging-for-kids-8621617 The friend, Larla, tells people that DD likes this boy or that boy, and people believe Larla because they're good friends. DD has told Larla this bothers her. Meanwhile, Larla also makes a big deal about a boy she herself likes, Sam. DD has not told Sam or anyone else. (Though Larla has been spreading it around.) But Larla continues to bother DD about boys. For example, just yesterday afternoon, there's a group chat from social studies class. A boy DD is friends with, Danny, texts, "Does anyone have the answer to #4?" Larla responds, "What? DD didn't give it to you??" Larla always makes it a thing. Several times a day. About any boy DD is friends with. DD has lots of friends that are boys and girls. She is not ready to "like" anyone. Some boys supposedly like DD, and they happen to be popular boys that a lot of girls "like". But DD just considers them friends. I think something about this bothers Larla. Larla has told people DD is "secretly dating" certain boys. Whom DD has been friends with for years. Nothing about those friendships have changed, but I guess now that they're 12/13 if they want to continue to be friends, Larla labels it dating? Larla does not have friendships with boys and never has. Larla can otherwise act annoying and seek attention, and other kids will say something about it to DD. DD acknowledges to them that yeah, Larla does act like that sometimes, but doesn't add to it. Now, Larla keeps bringing up how things are "off" between them, though she still considers her her "best friend" (something DD doesn't say, but Larla does). Larla says she's "mad" at DD, I guess for "talking about her". I told my DD I was disappointed in her for contributing to people talking smack about her friend. She says, "Well I never said anything that was not true." (I responded, I don't care, if she's your friend, don't criticize her to other people.) Then DD said, "Yeah but Larla lies about me all the time. So yeah, it's annoying." It's a fair point. Anything Larla says is "just joking." Another example, in Tech class, Larla was chatting away and people were kind of rolling their eyes but DD said nothing. Then Larla starts repeatedly patting DD's head and DD just has to kind of giggle and say "Stop" very gently because if she was firm about it, Larla would make a big deal about DD over-reacting while Larla was innocently "joking around". So Larla just keeps doing it while everyone rolls their eyes. Anyway, what I find so irritating is that we have been through this with Larla in ES. She turned a teacher who previously loved DD against her because Larla seemed like a victim, because she is awkward, and claimed DD, because she is popular, is some sort of Regina George figure. I feel like it's happening again. It bothers me because DD is actually really nice. Meanwhile...we have been friends with the family for years and Larla can be kind of nasty. I think kids sometimes go through that, and I'm not judging her for it or saying she's terrible. She just has that side to her. Even Larla's mom has acknowledged that to me before, but due to other things Larla struggles with, kind of forgives it and acts like it's a non-issue at this point. Larla has been talking about DD to mutual friends and saying DD is mean to her. They all do theatre, and Larla seems to be actively trying to get the kids who have their own insecurities onto "her side". I don't think DD is perfect, and she shouldn't be indulging gossip about Larla, but come on. Larla is annoying and "teases" DD all the time and DD has said she doesn't like it, but she puts up with it. I don't think there's anything to be done here. They are old enough that they need to figure it out. It just seems like Larla uses DD's popularity as a tool against her and I'm frustrated by it. Sorry for the long rant. I tend to think, OK, you don't need to be best friends. Just be friendly. That would be fine with DD. That would not be fine with Larla. It's like DD must be her best friend, and DD must accept mistreatment. It's ES all over again! Ugh. Sorry. I'm sure I'll get flamed for claiming my DD is nice and popular, but if for whatever reason you believe me, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Anyone BTDT? |
Anonymous
| I’m definitely not reading all that but you clearly need to take several steps back and stop being so involved and hovering. |
Anonymous
| Insane that you typed all that out. Not reading it. Get a life outside of your children! |
Anonymous
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Stopped reading very quickly (and I read a lot of threads here). Why are you so involved in the minutae of this?
Let your daughter handle it. |
Anonymous
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DISENGAGE. The friend is toxic, DD has to distance herself, and yes, middle school is full of drama. My 13 year old sticks with like-minded friends and observes the field like a biologist working on a documentary: "Now here we see, in its natural habitat, this Pick Me example of the species, engaging in its typical behavior of..." |
Anonymous
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I asked ChatGPT to answer your queries so i didn't have to read it:
Advice for DD: Set Boundaries: DD should have an open conversation with Larla about how her actions make her feel. Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy friendship. Choose Friends Wisely: DD can evaluate whether Larla’s behavior aligns with the kind of friend she wants. True friends respect each other’s feelings and don’t spread rumors. Empathy and Kindness: Encourage DD to be empathetic but assertive. She can acknowledge Larla’s feelings without compromising her own well-being. Avoid Contributing to Gossip: DD should refrain from participating in negative discussions about Larla. Instead, she can focus on building positive connections with other friends. Remember that friendships evolve, and it’s essential for DD to prioritize her emotional well-being. As a parent, continue supporting her and guiding her through these social dynamics. |
Anonymous
| I don't understand how the title relates to the post (of which I read about 1.5 paragraphs). |
Anonymous
Ditto. OP, you are waaaaay too involved. |
Anonymous
| You really can't call girls or women "pick me" so I stopped there. I know it's popular lingo but I shut it down the one time my kids talked like that about someone. |
Anonymous
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Sorry again for the long post and thanks for providing the perspective of, disengage.
I wrote it in two parts because I stopped to work (lol) so that's how it ended up being so long. I also type fast. Actually I think part of the reason I am allowing this to bother me is that I have disengaged, perhaps too much, and when DD laid this all out to me last night, I was feeling some guilt about being so unaware. Sorry once again for the long post. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for telling me, I honestly didn't know. Sorry if I offended. |
Anonymous
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This isn't pick me behavior.
Pick me usually is around a love interest, with an "I'm not like the other girls" kind of vibe to it. Like, oh I would never spend time doing [girl activity] because I'm just so cool and relatable! Why does your kid feel like she has to put up with Larla's actions? Your daughter should talk to Larla the next time something happens. Larla texts in the group chat - "what, DD didn't give it to you?" DD says to Larla privately/private text: why did you say that? Larla: I was just joking! DD: please don't, it's super awkward if it happens again, DD replies to Larla in the group chat. Larla pats DD's head. DD: Don't pat my head, I don't like it. Larla: OMG don't be mad! DD: [shrug] just don't touch my head and we'll be fine |
Anonymous
This was me, started to read and stopped immediately when saw use of "pick me" by an adult. Came back only to see if others did read/respond and laughed when saw replies were either "didn't read," someone else calling out use of "pick me" and someone used Chat to answer, which having not read the post can't tell if Chat was helpful or not, but was good ideas for almost any circumstance so maybe we all use Chat from now on! |
Anonymous
Thank you for responding. This is very good advice. -OP |
Anonymous
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OP, this is typical middle school drama. It sucks, but there are a lot of valuable life lessons for kids to start learning about people and friendships.
Recognize that your DD isn't always going to represent the situation as it actually is and there might be more tit for tat going on than she's describing, and Larla might be petty - both could be true. Middle school kids can set off avalanches of drama very easily. Keep the long view and help her recognize larger themes and learn from them. ChatGPT actually did a good job of summarizing some of them. |