I guess I don’t get why infidelity is a big deal if sex before marriage isn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

[Anonymous]

Well, I am kind of a PITA. I know it. The only reason my husband puts up with it is because I’m his only option for sex.
The only reason I put up with his crap is because most of the time he’s really nice to me because he wants to have sex.
If he started having sex with other women or seeing that as an option, then the whole thing is going to crumble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

[Anonymous]

I had plenty of sex before marriage but once I was exclusive I was exclusive. Once I got married I took being exclusive to a new level. I have no problem with monogamy as we have a wonderful sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

The love, being best friends, and like being part of a family together are not true if you feel fine with him sleeping with other women. You are confusing those feelings with something else but it’s certainly not love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

That’s not love

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if it’s the same, OP, but I grew up a conservative Catholic, and I struggle to see how birth control is not only fine, but expected in a responsible married woman, but abortion is terrible, and you would never coerce a woman into one. Telling a married woman she should use birth control is fine, but asking her if she is going to keep a pregnancy is evil.

I was always taught that they are both not good for men, women, and society in general for pretty similar reasons. It’s hard to wrap my mind around what seems like an obvious moral contradiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

That’s not love

Well, it feels like love to me. And it won’t change if I find out that he had an affair 10 years ago when we were living apart for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

That’s not love

Well, it feels like love to me. And it won’t change if I find out that he had an affair 10 years ago when we were living apart for a year.

You’re confusing the “love, best friends, like being a family” feelings with something else, because that is certainly not love if you are fine with your husband sleeping with other women, except if he is with you not taking care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

That’s not love

Well, it feels like love to me. And it won’t change if I find out that he had an affair 10 years ago when we were living apart for a year.

That is some codependency and clearly you are a weak individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

That’s not love

Well, it feels like love to me. And it won’t change if I find out that he had an affair 10 years ago when we were living apart for a year.

If he is out shopping without you and gets the urge, can he get a room and sleep with someone?

[Anonymous]

For most it’s not a mistake it’s the betrayal that follows her in the form of lying and gaslighting.

Scenario 1
Spouse comes home from happy hour comes right up to me with tears in their eyes and says I got carried away, met someone I found so incredibly attractive I could not say no and we slept together, I am so sorry and I will take steps to make sure this never happens again.
That’s a mistake and now I would have all the information before me to make an informed decision on our future.

Scenario 2
Spouse meets someone at happy hour they find incredibly attractive, they sleep together. But this time they withdraw the affection normally meant for me and deposit it elsewhere, they lie to me on a daily basis, our sex life plummets and I don’t know why. Long face-to-face talks, letters and attempts to improve our relationship are met with a stone wall until the day where I click one button too many on the computer and all is revealed.


I will take scenario one any day of the week, scenario two is pretty much unforgivable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.

Then just divorce. What was the point of being married if you didn’t mind if he slept around?

There are a lot of reasons to be married. We love each other. We are best friends. We have children together. We were going to be living together again once I closed my practice and got the house sold. Our finances are mingled. We like being part of a family together.

That’s not love

Well, it feels like love to me. And it won’t change if I find out that he had an affair 10 years ago when we were living apart for a year.

Adultery is not love.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you’re coming from, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if it’s the same, OP, but I grew up a conservative Catholic, and I struggle to see how birth control is not only fine, but expected in a responsible married woman, but abortion is terrible, and you would never coerce a woman into one. Telling a married woman she should use birth control is fine, but asking her if she is going to keep a pregnancy is evil.

I was always taught that they are both not good for men, women, and society in general for pretty similar reasons. It’s hard to wrap my mind around what seems like an obvious moral contradiction.

Who says it's acceptable to coerce a woman into having an abortion?

I don't understand the moral contradiction you are identifying, or who holds those conflicting views.