I guess I don’t get why infidelity is a big deal if sex before marriage isn’t

[Anonymous]

A lot of what goes on concurrent to infidelity is trash behavior- lying, gaslighting, projecting, meanness, potentially giving your partner an STD. But to me this seems so much worse than the actual act of a physical affair itself.

When I read about the trauma and the betrayal of an affair and how it is the breaking of a sacred vow, it makes me feel like we are time traveling to the 1700’s or a time when a person was assumed to be a virgin before marriage. We have such a casual attitude about sex but suddenly you get married and bam- we are back to the old tradition where sexuality is sacred. Either sex is a sacred special thing or it isn’t. I don’t know how it can be both.

I don’t mean to sound like Esther Perel or something but I guess I do. I grew up in a very, very conservative family and I grew up with these extremely rigid attitudes about sex and I guess I see infidelity as a mistake now- a really really bad one, but a mistake nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Humans are not meant to be monogamous.

[Anonymous]

It's the betrayal. Sex before marriage isn't harming and deceiving a spouse you've committed to. (I know some ultra religious folks would say it is, but a hypothetical future person is just not the same as one you've already, specifically chosen and married.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of what goes on concurrent to infidelity is trash behavior- lying, gaslighting, projecting, meanness, potentially giving your partner an STD. But to me this seems so much worse than the actual act of a physical affair itself.

When I read about the trauma and the betrayal of an affair and how it is the breaking of a sacred vow, it makes me feel like we are time traveling to the 1700’s or a time when a person was assumed to be a virgin before marriage. We have such a casual attitude about sex but suddenly you get married and bam- we are back to the old tradition where sexuality is sacred. Either sex is a sacred special thing or it isn’t. I don’t know how it can be both.

I don’t mean to sound like Esther Perel or something but I guess I do. I grew up in a very, very conservative family and I grew up with these extremely rigid attitudes about sex and I guess I see infidelity as a mistake now- a really really bad one, but a mistake nonetheless.

You're framing this weirdly. The sex isn't the point, the vow of fidelity is the point. There's no premarital vow of fidelity that is broken when someone has sex before marriage (unless you were raised in one of those creepy "promise ring with daddy to keep your hymen until he says you can give it to the guy he chooses" communities). Where there is no expectation of fidelity, sex is a personal choice.

Once you've looked someone in the eyes and told them you'll be exclusive, the 'personal choice' you make to sleep with someone else is an indication of a lack of integrity on your part, not just a high sex drive. No one is obligated to get married, or even to participate in exclusive relationships. But if you do either, and then cheat on your partner, the problem is not the sex. It's that you're breaking your word. You're trying to frame infidelity is an extension of sex positivity, but what you're looking for is a free love scenario. Sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want. Just don't promise anyone fidelity at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of what goes on concurrent to infidelity is trash behavior- lying, gaslighting, projecting, meanness, potentially giving your partner an STD. But to me this seems so much worse than the actual act of a physical affair itself.

When I read about the trauma and the betrayal of an affair and how it is the breaking of a sacred vow, it makes me feel like we are time traveling to the 1700’s or a time when a person was assumed to be a virgin before marriage. We have such a casual attitude about sex but suddenly you get married and bam- we are back to the old tradition where sexuality is sacred. Either sex is a sacred special thing or it isn’t. I don’t know how it can be both.

I don’t mean to sound like Esther Perel or something but I guess I do. I grew up in a very, very conservative family and I grew up with these extremely rigid attitudes about sex and I guess I see infidelity as a mistake now- a really really bad one, but a mistake nonetheless.

You're framing this weirdly. The sex isn't the point, the vow of fidelity is the point. There's no premarital vow of fidelity that is broken when someone has sex before marriage (unless you were raised in one of those creepy "promise ring with daddy to keep your hymen until he says you can give it to the guy he chooses" communities). Where there is no expectation of fidelity, sex is a personal choice.

Once you've looked someone in the eyes and told them you'll be exclusive, the 'personal choice' you make to sleep with someone else is an indication of a lack of integrity on your part, not just a high sex drive. No one is obligated to get married, or even to participate in exclusive relationships. But if you do either, and then cheat on your partner, the problem is not the sex. It's that you're breaking your word. You're trying to frame infidelity is an extension of sex positivity, but what you're looking for is a free love scenario. Sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want. Just don't promise anyone fidelity at the same time.

+1

Posts like these give me hope for DCUM

[Anonymous]

Not sure what you are reading, but as a betrayed spouse, my feeelings of betrayal and devastation are primarily surrounding the lying, gaslighting, wasted resources, loss of my agency, potential health implications, etc. That is aligned with pretty much everything I've read about affairs (which is A LOT).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the betrayal. Sex before marriage isn't harming and deceiving a spouse you've committed to. (I know some ultra religious folks would say it is, but a hypothetical future person is just not the same as one you've already, specifically chosen and married.)

DP. I can see that.

On the other hand are:

sexless marriages.

When one spouse (of any sex) has desire for regular intercourse, but the other spouse (of any sex) has zero desire, why would there be any issue at all about sexual activity outside the marriage?


In other words: if you don’t want sex with them, why can’t they do it with other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Humans are not meant to be monogamous.

I agree. The problem is keeping jealousy out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Humans are not meant to be monogamous.

You have no proof of that.

[Anonymous]

Sex before marriage doesn’t break a vow of fidelity. Cheating does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Humans are not meant to be monogamous.

I agree. The problem is keeping jealousy out of it.

Snort. You do see the irony, right?

(Tip: jealousy is an inherent part of human nature, so evidently humans aren't meant to be polygamous either)

[Anonymous]

Explain to your children why they suddenly have a half-sibling who isn't related to mom.

[Anonymous]

It wrong to enter into an agreement and break that agreement.

If you are in a monogamous relationship and cheat it’s wrong.

If you want to be in a non-monogamous relationship find one and enter into that agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Humans are not meant to be monogamous.

Some are. Maybe it depends on the circumstances under which you committed to your significant other. If you were seeing multiple people before deciding to become exclusive with one, in your mind you might always have other prospects. But two people who were completely single when they met might place more importance on monogamy (I am in this second category, in case you were wondering).

[Anonymous]

I’m kind of with you, OP. My husband and I lived apart for a year a few years into our marriage. It was job related and didn’t have anything to do with our relationship.
If I found out that he slept with another woman during that year, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t see it as a huge betrayal.

On the other hand, if we were living together and raising kids together, and he just wasn’t showing up for parenting obligations, he was regularly lying to me about where he was, and he wasn’t treating me nicely, then it could easily be marriage ending.