Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
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Anonymous
No, this is just lame and gross. You have kids. Think about all the "unrewarded" work you do raising them. All the poop, pee, and vomit you clean up, the meals you prepare, the clothes you wash, the day care, schooling, summer camps, and sports you plan and pay for, etc. etc. etc. How much time and effort you spend taking care of them. Your parents did all that for you. For you to think "I should be paid for taking care of them on the back end" is self-absorbed to say the least. |
Anonymous
An adult chooses to have kids. The kids do not choose to come into this world, and therefore do not owe their parents anything "on the back end." |
Anonymous
This. I actively chose to have children. Parenting truly needs to be selfless. I changed diapers and cleaned up vomit because I chose this little life and let me tell you...despite tantrums and poop and peeing in my face and all of it, that little toothless smile was so rewarding. So much of it is rewarding. My childhood was I guess stable in that I had a roof over my head and never worried about food, clothing, etc. I will save all the other parts for therapy, but in many ways I wish my parents had not had me. I am happy to be alive and love the family I created, but despite all the backfips I did I rarely pleased them and the entitlement my mother has is out of control. Her own mother should have never had children and really didn't like raising children. My mother could only stand me when i was a people-pleaser with no self esteem and no sense of selfworth. |
Anonymous
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They can pay someone else do it, or live without, or motivate you with gifts.
If you are rich and they aren't, pay someone |
Anonymous
Does this come into play when the completely uninvolved siblings suddenly show up expecting their full share of the inheritances? I'm a PP who has taken unpaid leave to deal with my parent's move out; who regularly drives miles and miles; who uses most of my sick leave to take her to appointments, and who has had to scale back on work (and moving up at work) all of which impacts me, my career, our finances, etc. My sibling, who does not have any other family responsiblities at all (spouse, kids, pets, etc) will receive half of the estate, which is fine, but in the meantime I am spending sigificantly more time and even money (gas, wear and tear, unpaid leave, opportunities for promotion). I actually think he would be fine with me "charging" for care, but I also am aware that my mom needs to conserve resources, since she will require memory care soon. finally, i hate to say it, but my mom did very little of the parenting you mention. She was mentally /emotionally ill a lot, and although we were not very wealthy, she used the money she inherited from her parents to hire a live-in housekeeper/caretaker for a few years, so she had very little to do (she also did not work). I dont remember her spending much time with us for the first 8-9 years of my life. and as soon as my dad left, I was responsible for making dinners, doing my laundry, figuring out how to get to/from school and classes, etc when we didn't have someone to help with driving or my dad coudn't do it. |
Anonymous
This sounds so familiar. I think my money request is more about the time it takes. I want the time to live my life and spend time with my own family. My mother has health anxiety and has worried about having cancer. She told me once that she had decades before she even had dementia, so it was anxiety and manipulation for her. So many men sit around doing nothing while their sisters do all the work. The Wash Post just had an article about how husbands just make more work for women, and women are loving divorce (less housework for them). I've hired people to take her to her standard appointments, and that saves me hours. I will draw more boundaries. Thanks! OP |
Anonymous
Your first paragraph was me!! I have permanent health damage from this whole situation. I decided to draw big boundaries around the time I'll spend with any of my family of origin who is causing me major stress with their anxiety, fake illnesses, worries about the end of the world, etc, etc. My therapist also urged me to get parents into AL, which I did do. So I guess I've taken some steps to get help and that is good. I need to do more, I see! After reading this, I'm tempted to NOT hire painters and just sell the house as it is. It'll sell no matter what. OP |
Anonymous
+1 OP |
Anonymous
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We paid family when they did anything for/with my mom... some say.. gross she raised you, do it for free. But this is what I will say.
1. not everybody contributes equally. 2. It is an incentive to help 3. Otherwise we will pay someone else. 4. NOBODY cares or deserves and inheritance, it is my mom's/dad's money and any way we can use it to make their lives better we will. 5. Most of it will go to a nursing home anyway. 6. Not everybody has gas money to go see/help grandma, we all are not as successful as each other and some could really use the money. So we paid grandchildren/children/helpers to shovel their walk, fix things around the house, take her to lunch, take her to the dr, get her nails done, anything that made their life better. And guess what, they loved it, they saw people more often, and it was the best decision we ever made. |
Anonymous
Spoken like a man or toll who has done none of this emotional or physical labor! |
Anonymous
| Sell the house as is. Why all the drama? |
Anonymous
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This is related to this thread but I have to convey a conversation I had with my mom's neurologist, who I was meeting for the first time. We had been waiting almost 2 hours (ridiculous), so when we finally met him, my mom introduced me and then said something like "this is my daughter spends, who spends far too much time taking care of me while she has her own busy life, job and family" and he responded... "Well, that's what daughters are for."
Not, that's what children are for, but daughters. Yes, I have a brother and yes, he has done next to nothing. |
Anonymous
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This is a very difficult position to be in, I'm glad to see you are looking at the options. I would start by saying if you were the executor of their estate if they weren't living, you absolutely could pay yourself from their assets for the jobs you are doing. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to be compensated.
Divide your list by what you don't mind doing, what you would like to be paid for doing (and set an amount) and what you can easily have someone else to do. In my case, I pay my parent's bills (with their money but I'm the one doing it), collect the tax materials but pay a tax prepare to do the actual tax returns. Some things take time for the parents to get used and some are better just ripping the bandaid off. Absolutely take time for yourself. Can you take a short vacation? Getting away, to clear your mind and your body can help to refresh you. And if you can't get away on a vacation, take a vacation from your responsibilities. Put it on the calendar - don't do anything for them. Nothing. Just don't. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. You can't help others if you don't care for yourself. What do you love doing? Find time for that - maybe its time with friends or going to the movies. Ultimately, the reality of this is - it won't last forever. It might get harder and there are a lot of emotions involved in the process but you really can set some of the tone and work. |
Anonymous
I’m a people pleaser. “As is” is not “good enough.” OP |
Anonymous
Thank you! This is very kind. |