Payment to manage parent’s affairs?

[Anonymous]

I was raised to be a people pleaser and put others ahead of myself. I’m working to fix this.

In the meantime, I’ve taken on doing so much for my parents:

Selling house

Preparing house for sale (vetting several of each and the hiring—painters, carpenters, real estate agent, lawn care, radon testing, etc)

Scheduling vendors for the project above and spending days while they do the work

Managing the annual taxes

Paying the home taxes

Getting the mail moved and all the addresses changed

Getting online access to accounts

Buying drawer pulls and hinges to update the kitchen of their house

Visiting the parents and entertaining them at AL

One parent was emotionally abusive but has gotten better with new medicine. They still try to manipulate me, and it’s exhausting to dodge it all.

I’m taking a break this week.

It just occurred to me that a lot of my physical ailments might be from stress related to this!

Any suggestions for me? I already exercise and meditate regularly.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add that I am angry and resentful at spending hours every week taking time away from paid work and not getting paid.

Part of the people pleasing is putting others first and doing all this free work has hurt my finances.

I plan to shift to focus more on my own work but worry about things slipping through the cracks with parent care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add that I am angry and resentful at spending hours every week taking time away from paid work and not getting paid.

Part of the people pleasing is putting others first and doing all this free work has hurt my finances.

I plan to shift to focus more on my own work but worry about things slipping through the cracks with parent care.

So don’t do this stuff. Most men wouldn’t!

[Anonymous]

A good real estate agent would have gotten you a contractor to manage the house prep work for you.

[Anonymous]

Only due the very necessary things...drawer pulls are not in that category. House prep can be very minimal. Lower the asking price and let the new owners handle the changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good real estate agent would have gotten you a contractor to manage the house prep work for you.

Ugh. I wish I had thought of that myself.

[Anonymous]

How many siblings?

Are you power of attorney?

Assuming you are honest, I think $50/hr us reasonable if nobody is helping.

But think you need to outsource more and I don’t know if your milk it to get $.

[Anonymous]

Op I get it. I not only spend a lot of time and energy on the care I also realized I drive about 40- 60- miles week extra to take my mom places and visit (she is 7 miles from me). I don’t pay myself hourly but I decided to do hello fresh meal delivery 3x/week on her card. I also now use Instacart for her to send groceries so I’m not there every single day like before and hired someone to help her even though she is in an expensive assisted living .

However the big stride/transition was very hard and it all fell on me and happened 9 months after we moved to a new city and I started a new job and my kids started new middle school. I have one sibling, unmarried no kids, who did next to nothing (he mailed 6 boxes I packed that weren’t picked up by mover and he didn’t keep receipt and they never showed up). More broadly I hired and oversaw my mothers move from her house of 50 years i to AL, oversaw the major renovation (floors kitchen all bathrooms exterior paint and selection of all lighting tile etc) and then subsequent rental of the home (sibling wanted to rent not sell but then didnt manage any of it: I did insurance interviews managers etc). and of course now I am the one to do all her care, finances etc. I took multiple weeks off to deal with this and to boot I lived across country while sibling was on same coast 2 hr drive away (mom is now out where I am).

I had a lot of resentment but now that the worst is over (moving out, renovations, renting out house) it’s subsided a bit. I still take care of my mom but it’s more routine (doctors , daily calls, visit 1-2 x/week, dinners out etc). I’ve k
Learned to draw some boundaries. If I’m the future my burdens increase again I have no issue paying myself if needed but honestly it’s not money it’s time . That’s the precious commodity.

Finally I look at it this way: dealing with all this was very difficult, downsizing her and getting rid of generations of stuff (she was only child) was hard but now it’s done. When she passes I will be able to grieve and not also have to deal with cleaning out a home. (Of course I’m also executor I’d estate so three will be work but at least some of it’s done now for me and it sounds like for you too). And while I have mixed feelings about being her caregiver I also feel I’m doing the right thing while maintaining some boundaries (I stopped taking her to the doctor every week because of her insane health anxiety and conviction she has cancer etc, which is manifestation of her Alzheimer’s.)

[Anonymous]

I thought the executor of the will could take a stipend or a small % of the estate. Hoping an attorney chimes in on this. It doesn’t help you when the relatives are still alive, but if the other siblings aren’t doing much, why not? Currently going thru my sister’s house (she died a month ago). It’s a horrible job because she never threw ANYTHING away. My sibling helps a lot so we complain on a united front 😀

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you should focus on getting paid. Just set boundaries for what you will and won’t do, then stick to them. Keep compensation out of it.

[Anonymous]

There was another thread a few days ago where payment for doing this stuff was mentioned, and I stated that my brother (who lives local to my Dad--other brother and I are thousands of miles away) gets paid.
My brother actually just sent a financial statement to other brother and I a couple days ago--I was mistaken in the rates I said in the other post. Local brother is paid $35/hr for physical labor (driving to appointments/errands, showing up in person for needed events, etc.) and $45/hr for administrative work (paying bills, etc.) and also gets reimbursed for gas at the federal mileage rate.

I think getting paid now is much "cleaner" than trying to take a larger percentage or amount of the inheritance.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling who didn't want to do much, but wanted weekly documentation of everything. I have a job, 2 kids, one with special needs, a husband who has had serious health issues. I spent way too many years doing too much for my parents only to have this sibling make too many demands and an unappreciative and glowingly hostile parent. I felt trapped and antidepressants didn't help. I developed a 3rd autoimmune issue and was sick all the time. My therapist basically said I either outsourced or I was going to slowly kill myself.

You know what helped? Sibling can become POA and manage all accounting or they can hire an accountant. I'm out. I knew I was allowed to pay myself, but I didn't want to be judged and I never wanted the job and I had no interest in producing weekly accounting because I am not an accountant. Home will be sold as is, we can pay real estate agent to manage all home improvements or sibling can manage it. I'm out. Hire geriatric expert to manage mom's care and advocate and have aides go to doctor's appointments and advocate would attend appointments that were more serious and not routine. Now I just visit and can put on my best self even when mom is hostile and throwing jabs and then I make an excuse to leave if I cannot distract her and get her back into a nice mood.

It's a ton of money going out which luckily mom has. Sibling hates it. Mom hates it. I have been threatened many times with being disinherited. It was worth it. My health status has improved tremendously and health is true wealth. I have been told by 2 friends I now look like I am aging backward despite no special skin treatments when prior I seemed to be aging at a rapid weight. Speaking of weight, I have lost weight. My kids are happier because I am not burned out all the time. I am back to working in dates with my husband. My family of origin didn't appreciate me before and gave me grief. They resent me now and give me grief, but I got a life back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you should focus on getting paid. Just set boundaries for what you will and won’t do, then stick to them. Keep compensation out of it.

Disagree with this and I did NOT accept compensation. First, let me step onto my soapbox and this may be a new thread to start...

Ahem...Elderly parents are often living far longer than their parents and grandparents did. The first few years of the emergencies and managing things and dealing with challenging behaviors you do yourself in, but figure it's not forever and you feel like it's the right thing to do and...the years keep going and you find yourself aging at rapid pace, burned out, having nothing to give your kids and spouse, angry, resentful and suddenly any doctor's appointment for yourself is bad news and referrals and work demands make you want to go scream in a padded room and throw yourself against the sides...

Family who take on these tasks, especially if it goes on for a while, should absolutely be compensated if there is money and the siblings not doing these things should insist OR the drudgery should be outsourced so visits can simply be trying to bring joy to the parent and create some final memories. We need to normalize hiring out and having boundaries and VALUING what the present sibling does and the sacrifices they make to their own careers.

I chose motherhood. I would do anything for my kids. The hardest times have been so rough, but I chose this path. I did not chose to be born into a complicated family with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and strange ways of showing what I am told is "love." With kids they grow up and become more independent with many bumps of course. For too many of us, as our parents decline, mild abuse that was considered within the realm of normal for our generation, devolves into extreme emotional and verbal abuse and even physical outbursts and I don't care if it's dementia or not, it isn't OK. If the person can manage it on major meds with strangers as aides, then that is what is needed. We need to stop expecting mostly women, but sometimes it's men to set themselves on fire to keep their aging parents warm. Outsourcing can be life saving. If a parent cannot afford a top notch facility, sometimes you are better off going with what the state provides and trying to visit and check on things more.

And for all those who say advocate for more funding for this and that. There are children living in poverty. Our schools are understaffed with underpaid teachers. There are special needs families falling apart who need more support with respite and services. The money needs to go there first before it goes to the over 85 crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you should focus on getting paid. Just set boundaries for what you will and won’t do, then stick to them. Keep compensation out of it.

Disagree with this and I did NOT accept compensation. First, let me step onto my soapbox and this may be a new thread to start...

Ahem...Elderly parents are often living far longer than their parents and grandparents did. The first few years of the emergencies and managing things and dealing with challenging behaviors you do yourself in, but figure it's not forever and you feel like it's the right thing to do and...the years keep going and you find yourself aging at rapid pace, burned out, having nothing to give your kids and spouse, angry, resentful and suddenly any doctor's appointment for yourself is bad news and referrals and work demands make you want to go scream in a padded room and throw yourself against the sides...

Family who take on these tasks, especially if it goes on for a while, should absolutely be compensated if there is money and the siblings not doing these things should insist OR the drudgery should be outsourced so visits can simply be trying to bring joy to the parent and create some final memories. We need to normalize hiring out and having boundaries and VALUING what the present sibling does and the sacrifices they make to their own careers.

I chose motherhood. I would do anything for my kids. The hardest times have been so rough, but I chose this path. I did not chose to be born into a complicated family with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and strange ways of showing what I am told is "love." With kids they grow up and become more independent with many bumps of course. For too many of us, as our parents decline, mild abuse that was considered within the realm of normal for our generation, devolves into extreme emotional and verbal abuse and even physical outbursts and I don't care if it's dementia or not, it isn't OK. If the person can manage it on major meds with strangers as aides, then that is what is needed. We need to stop expecting mostly women, but sometimes it's men to set themselves on fire to keep their aging parents warm. Outsourcing can be life saving. If a parent cannot afford a top notch facility, sometimes you are better off going with what the state provides and trying to visit and check on things more.

And for all those who say advocate for more funding for this and that. There are children living in poverty. Our schools are understaffed with underpaid teachers. There are special needs families falling apart who need more support with respite and services. The money needs to go there first before it goes to the over 85 crowd.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

It’s not in our culture but I would definitely use proximity to parents to ask for money!
All work has to be rewarded