Prostate Surgery Relationship Impact

[Anonymous]

I think what that therapist should have told your DH is that there are lots of ways he could continue to have a sex life and to satisfy you without using his penis and that doing so might help him feel more masculine again. Further, I don't know this to be true but it stands to reason that if there is going to be any nerve regeneration over time (which is much more likely for younger men!), you have to get the nerves trying to fire again, which would mean doing things that used to give you an erection-- foreplay, etc. IOW, engaging non-PIV sex activities could really be therapeutic for him. Is there anyway to get him to see this?

This seems so obvious to me that I have to ask: are you SURE that's what the therapist told him? Or is that just what DH (in despair) told you?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to stimulate him, is it just impossible? What about him pleasuring you in other ways? My dad had prostate cancer and I'm just thankful he's still here. He didn't opt for removal (I suggested removal, his wife was against it), and his treatment damaged his surrounding organs that have caused life long issues including using a catheter daily and bowel issues 6 years later and yes, his libido disappeared completely. Nobody tells you the ugliness of the other side. I'm sorry you're going through it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried to stimulate him, is it just impossible? What about him pleasuring you in other ways? My dad had prostate cancer and I'm just thankful he's still here. He didn't opt for removal (I suggested removal, his wife was against it), and his treatment damaged his surrounding organs that have caused life long issues including using a catheter daily and bowel issues 6 years later and yes, his libido disappeared completely. Nobody tells you the ugliness of the other side. I'm sorry you're going through it now.

If he did radiation, it has the same impact on the ability to get hard too. There isnno avoiding it with the current treatments out there.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP again.
I agree with the posters that say he is really hurting. Pre-cancer there were def other things aside from PIV, but he has no drive for any of that either, just…zero. And I think it probably also reminds him that he can’t do more.

I am sure if I made it a demand he would, but then where is the joy in that for me? It’s no fun for me either if I know he’s being forced into it.

It’s not in my nature to seek outside the marriage (esp when none of this is his fault). And I imagine he is thinking about all this too. Sometimes I catch him looking at me and he has the saddest “I let her down” look on his face.

It's even making me sad to write it.

[Anonymous]

DH has the same issue. Look into a hollow $trapon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. My DH had his postate removed about a year ago. We are mid 50’s. It’s been very difficult adjusting to the new normal. DH has an Rx, not viagra but similar. He doesn’t like it - for a variety of reasons. We do it anyway because he needs it, he needs to have sex. But it’s not the same, I don’t think he is satisfied and it breaks my heart. Of course I am not happy about that part of my life being over … but mostly I am concerned about him. He says he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. Is it possible that your DH feels this way and phe is coping by showing no interest in sex?
For me, I would be happy to just feel connected to him in some way. I miss our sex life terribly but like you said there is nothing I can do. I wish I had better news OP.

Op here. Yes he definitely feels that way which is one reason he went to a therapist. You’re right, it is heartbreaking to see.

A friend said what someone did above: “you’re still young, you shouldn’t be resigned to a life like that” but if the shoe were on the other foot and I dealt with cancer, experiences major changes in how my body functions, and felt like I lost part of my identity.. and on top of that, my spouse leaves, I think I would have a hard time recovering.

If it really makes him feel bad and he has literally zero desire to do anything, I don’t want him to feel forced or pressured because then I won’t be happy or be able to enjoy it either, you know?

Sigh.

New poster. OP, please, please help him get treatment for depression first and foremost. He very possibly has depression stemming from all this -- he has lost hsi sense of self in many ways, he is probably upset about feeling he "fails" you as a DH, he also may have fear he has never expressed to you that he will have cancer again and will die...So, so much to unpack.

You said he saw some therapist or doctor who said basically, this is the new normal (sexually) and you just both have to deal? That therapist was TRASH, OP. How intensely dismissive! Please do not take that as the last word at all.

First your DH needs some intensive therapy around much more than loss of sexual function -- around things like mortality, his fears of your leaving/not loving him, loss of identity, etc. You may lose him in more ways than sexually if he does not get help, OP. If he has already seen a therapist around these issues, it may not be teh right person for him.

Then you both need to see a sex therapist who has worked with couples where a man has lost sexual function. You need someone experiencd in working with couples where there has been a loss like this, and yes, it is a loss to grieve, but then your DH and you need to work on how resigned you both are. He can please you sexually in many, many ways that do not involve his p***s in any way, IF he is able to take emotional pleasure in giving pleasure to you. But you sound scared to ask, since that could be seen as pressuring him, and he may be scared to try, since he might end up feeling that if it's not PIV intercourse it's "not really sex." Please don't give in and give up. You seem to love each other as people and partners, and being so resigned to the sexual loss is possibly making both of you miss a deeper depression and grief that needs treatment.

I knew the "get your needs fulfilled elsewhere" posters would leap on this thread, and they have. There is a vocal group of "open the marriage, your 'need' MUST be met outside" people on DCUM. They do not ever want to recognize that sex is part of a relationship and even with "permission" and opening marriages, the pain this would cause your DH would be immeasurable. And people "catch feelings" -- simply getting sex from someone else isn't the end of it. instead of the "get sex because sex is THE top priority" stuff here -- Please find the right professional help for the mental health of the man you love and for the sake of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t this a time when escorts make some sense? It is transactional and no feelings involved. Even an open marriage involves possible messy situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40s and was/is in a similar boat. Husband had surgery in 2020 and is slowly regaining ability to perform in a good-enough manner. It can take years for the nerves to regenerate from what I understand. Hang in there and don’t feel guilty for having your own needs. And thank you for starting this thread—I think a lot of partners are afraid to express their feelings about this.

+1

And there’s a ton of good info out there (and no, there is no “magic bullet” way to restore the prostate or go back in time). But there is still hope; read up on work by surgeon Evan Goldstein out of NYC:

“ To start, Goldstein recommends reframing how you define sex — and asking your partner(s) to do the same.

“At the end of the day, how good sex feels and how pleasurable your orgasms feel will vary based on how you define ’sex’ and what you expect to get out of said sex,” he says. “Neither orgasm nor pleasure always needs to result in ejaculating across the room.”

And if you continue to expect your orgasms to be accompanied by a wet, voluminous release, you’ll ruin said orgasm with your expectations.

In other words, your first step is accepting that you’re not going to have ejaculatory orgasms anymore.

“The prostate and ejaculation play just one small part in sex,” Goldstein explains. “So, in the absence of a prostate or the ability to ejaculate, you can absolutely still find sex pleasurable.”

[Anonymous]

Since our teenage years whether intentional or not women have in not so subtle terms rated our sexual capabilities. Women have absolutely no issues nonchalantly saying that a man sucks I’m bed, that he has a small d**k, he can’t do this that etc…..So what do you expect when we start having erection and libido issues? And the selfishness of some women manifest itself in moments like this. Namely if the man can’t fulfill her sexual needs then what is she going to do ??

[Anonymous]

I get it. He is depressed. But in a marriage you don’t get to throw your hands up in the air and say “this is the new normal and sex is no longer a part of our relationship and you just need to accept it”. That is basically telling your spouse that you don’t care about their needs and yours are the only ones that matter.

I agree you can’t force him. So you need to decide how important it is to you. And you need to decide if you are just convincing yourself you can deal with it or if it’s actually true. Because if you are convincing yourself and it’s not something you can actually accept you are going to resent him and the marriage will fail regardless.

To me, sex is absolutely vital in a marriage. And I’m a woman. I couldn’t do it. That being said, I would understand if he didn’t want to try PIV and we would still do other things but from what you have said he doesn’t want to do anything at all. He is not even willing to compromise. What does that tell you? Like I said, he is considering himself and only himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. He is depressed. But in a marriage you don’t get to throw your hands up in the air and say “this is the new normal and sex is no longer a part of our relationship and you just need to accept it”. That is basically telling your spouse that you don’t care about their needs and yours are the only ones that matter.

I agree you can’t force him. So you need to decide how important it is to you. And you need to decide if you are just convincing yourself you can deal with it or if it’s actually true. Because if you are convincing yourself and it’s not something you can actually accept you are going to resent him and the marriage will fail regardless.

To me, sex is absolutely vital in a marriage. And I’m a woman. I couldn’t do it. That being said, I would understand if he didn’t want to try PIV and we would still do other things but from what you have said he doesn’t want to do anything at all. He is not even willing to compromise. What does that tell you? Like I said, he is considering himself and only himself.

When women have health issues that affect their libido they will blow up at their husbands for having the same line of thinking that you presented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it. He is depressed. But in a marriage you don’t get to throw your hands up in the air and say “this is the new normal and sex is no longer a part of our relationship and you just need to accept it”. That is basically telling your spouse that you don’t care about their needs and yours are the only ones that matter.

I agree you can’t force him. So you need to decide how important it is to you. And you need to decide if you are just convincing yourself you can deal with it or if it’s actually true. Because if you are convincing yourself and it’s not something you can actually accept you are going to resent him and the marriage will fail regardless.

To me, sex is absolutely vital in a marriage. And I’m a woman. I couldn’t do it. That being said, I would understand if he didn’t want to try PIV and we would still do other things but from what you have said he doesn’t want to do anything at all. He is not even willing to compromise. What does that tell you? Like I said, he is considering himself and only himself.

When women have health issues that affect their libido they will blow up at their husbands for having the same line of thinking that you presented.

And that’s totally understandable. It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it. He is depressed. But in a marriage you don’t get to throw your hands up in the air and say “this is the new normal and sex is no longer a part of our relationship and you just need to accept it”. That is basically telling your spouse that you don’t care about their needs and yours are the only ones that matter.

I agree you can’t force him. So you need to decide how important it is to you. And you need to decide if you are just convincing yourself you can deal with it or if it’s actually true. Because if you are convincing yourself and it’s not something you can actually accept you are going to resent him and the marriage will fail regardless.

To me, sex is absolutely vital in a marriage. And I’m a woman. I couldn’t do it. That being said, I would understand if he didn’t want to try PIV and we would still do other things but from what you have said he doesn’t want to do anything at all. He is not even willing to compromise. What does that tell you? Like I said, he is considering himself and only himself.

When women have health issues that affect their libido they will blow up at their husbands for having the same line of thinking that you presented.

And that’s totally understandable. It goes both ways.

The people calling the husband a selfish jerk are really cruel and uncaring. Plus unhelpful.

His emotions here are valid. He did not ask to get cancer. But yet people are attacking him.

OP - please ignore those people. But instead, listen to many of the suggestions; many seem really helpful.

I personally agree with depression screening; this is critical for him right now. A total loss of libido is one warning factor for depression (though his particular circumstances account for some of the depression).

Also, has his doctor checked his T levels? With cancer, some urologists / oncologists will prescribe T-blockers because it’s believed T can cause cancer to grow. Was DH put on any medicines like this? Even if not, T can help restore libido (worth asking anyway).

[Anonymous]

I’d be fine with no PIV, but I’d want more affection than just hugging and kissing….

[Anonymous]

Lots of good, basic info at this link:

https://www.healthline.com/health/can-you-have-sex-without-a-prostate#takeaway