Reply to Prostate Surgery Relationship Impact

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. My DH had his postate removed about a year ago. We are mid 50’s. It’s been very difficult adjusting to the new normal. DH has an Rx, not viagra but similar. He doesn’t like it - for a variety of reasons. We do it anyway because he needs it, he needs to have sex. But it’s not  the same, I don’t think he is satisfied and it breaks my heart. Of course I am not happy about  that part of my life being over … but mostly I am concerned about him.  He says he doesn’t feel like a man anymore.  Is it possible that your DH feels this way and phe is coping by showing no interest in sex? 
For me, I would be happy to just feel connected to him in some way. I miss our sex life terribly but like you said there  is nothing I can do. I wish I had better news  OP. 
[/quote]

Op here. Yes he definitely feels that way which is one reason he went to a therapist. You’re right, it is heartbreaking to see.

A friend said what someone did above: “you’re still young, you shouldn’t be resigned to a life like that” but if the shoe were on the other foot and I dealt with cancer, experiences major changes in how my body functions, and felt like I lost part of my identity..  and on top of that, my spouse leaves, I think I would have a hard time recovering.

If it really makes him feel bad and [b]he has literally zero desire to do anything[/b], I don’t want him to feel forced or pressured because then I won’t be happy or be able to enjoy it either, you know?

Sigh.

[/quote]

New poster. OP, please, please help him get [i]treatment for depression[/i] first and foremost. He very possibly has depression stemming from all this -- he has lost hsi sense of self in many ways, he is probably upset about feeling he "fails" you as a DH, he also may have fear he has never expressed to you that he will have cancer again and will die...So, so much to unpack.

You said he saw some therapist or doctor who said basically, this is the new normal (sexually) and you just both have to deal? That therapist was TRASH, OP. How intensely dismissive! Please do not take that as the last word at all.

First your DH needs some intensive therapy around much more than loss of sexual function -- around things like mortality, his fears of your leaving/not loving him, loss of identity, etc. You may lose him in more ways than sexually if he does not get help, OP. If he has already seen a therapist around these issues, it may not be teh right person for him.

Then you both need to see a sex therapist who has worked with couples where a man has lost sexual function. You need someone experiencd in working with couples where there has been a loss like this, and yes, it is a loss to grieve, but then your DH and you need to work on how resigned you both are. He can please you sexually in many, many ways that do not involve his p***s in any way, IF he is able to take emotional pleasure in giving pleasure to you. But you sound scared to ask, since that could be seen as pressuring him, and he may be scared to try, since he might end up feeling that if it's not PIV intercourse it's "not really sex." Please don't give in and give up. You seem to love each other as people and partners, and being so resigned to the sexual loss is possibly making both of you miss a deeper depression and grief that needs treatment.

I knew the "get your needs fulfilled elsewhere" posters would leap on this thread, and they have. There is a vocal group of "open the marriage, your 'need' MUST be met outside" people on DCUM. They do not ever want to recognize that sex is part of a relationship and even with "permission" and opening marriages, the pain this would cause your DH would be immeasurable. And people "catch feelings" -- simply getting sex from someone else isn't the end of it. instead of the "get sex because sex is THE top priority" stuff here -- Please find the right professional help for the mental health of the man you love and for the sake of your marriage. [/quote]

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