Prostate Surgery Relationship Impact
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
3 yrs ago DH discovered he had prostate cancer. At 46, he had to have his prostate removed. We were told the likely effects.
First few months after he was given the go ahead, he tried to use Viagra but he said the whole thing just felt weird and unpleasant and it didn’t make him feel good, which in turn made him depressed. He would rather not try at all. I could accept that and understand it. He is still affectionate, but he has zero desire to try to meet my needs in that way. I’ve talked to him about it, and he said he just can’t do it. He saw a therapist who basically said I need to accept the new normal and adjust to his new reality. I have accepted it, and we have not had any sort of interaction beyond hugging and sometimes a kiss or two for over 2 years. We are best friends (I would never leave over this) and still have fun together. We both work from home and for those who think he might be engaged in action elsewhere, we are around each other a lot and I am not getting any vibes like that. It just seems like that part of him is gone (which I guess it kind of is). I guess for some reason reality is just hitting me now: I am destined to never have that sort of relationship again. That is so sad to me, knowing that that part of my life is over. I don’t know how to feel about it because I know there isn’t anything I can do. For others who may be in a similar boat, do you really just get over it and at some point it doesn’t matter anymore? How long does it take? I am currently 44. Thank you for sharing wisdom. DH is fine now BTW and we do not have any children by design if anyone wonders. |
Anonymous
|
This is why I was trying to talk down the other poster on here freaking out about prostate cancer. The treatments have very permanent effects. You can't go back. The average man would survive more than 10 years without treatment.
I'm sorry for how you feel OP. I'd suggest getting a sex-positice therapist to discuss how you can meet in the middle: https://www.lifeforcecounseling.org/about |
Anonymous
|
I know you said you wouldn’t leave for this but you are so young…it’s not fair to YOU. So either he needs to be able to compromise or he needs to let you to get what you need outside the relationship.
He doesn’t want to try-that’s the problem. I would take that personally as he doesn’t care about those needs that you have. Because basically, that is what he is saying. Obviously the cancer is not his fault but he needs to put value on your needs just as he is putting value on his. Taking sex out of a relationship permanently is extremely damaging to at least one person in the relationship. |
Anonymous
|
I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. My DH had his postate removed about a year ago. We are mid 50’s. It’s been very difficult adjusting to the new normal. DH has an Rx, not viagra but similar. He doesn’t like it - for a variety of reasons. We do it anyway because he needs it, he needs to have sex. But it’s not the same, I don’t think he is satisfied and it breaks my heart. Of course I am not happy about that part of my life being over … but mostly I am concerned about him. He says he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. Is it possible that your DH feels this way and phe is coping by showing no interest in sex?
For me, I would be happy to just feel connected to him in some way. I miss our sex life terribly but like you said there is nothing I can do. I wish I had better news OP. |
Anonymous
Op here. Yes he definitely feels that way which is one reason he went to a therapist. You’re right, it is heartbreaking to see. A friend said what someone did above: “you’re still young, you shouldn’t be resigned to a life like that” but if the shoe were on the other foot and I dealt with cancer, experiences major changes in how my body functions, and felt like I lost part of my identity.. and on top of that, my spouse leaves, I think I would have a hard time recovering. If it really makes him feel bad and he has literally zero desire to do anything, I don’t want him to feel forced or pressured because then I won’t be happy or be able to enjoy it either, you know? Sigh. |
Anonymous
|
Do you miss the actual act of PIV or the intimacy of it? The latter can still be accomplished.
I’d give him some time with the therapist. As dumb as it sounds, so much of a man’s identity is wrapped up in his pen*s, it’s why dudes that feel inadequate in that department have a lot of self esteem issues (speaking from experience). Hopefully he can work through the “I feel like less of a man” part and regain his confidence. You may find he’s willing to explore other ways once his confidence has returned. |
Anonymous
| Sorry for your husband's cancer and the loss he has suffered. Having now said that ... let me proceed to say the hash truth: he is a selfish a-hole! And so is his "therapist" for saying you just need to accept a sexless existence. NO you do NOT need to just accept this! Escalate this with your husband. And if he remains totally unwilling to care about your needs, the only other sustainable option is an open marriage. |
Anonymous
| I’m mid-40s and was/is in a similar boat. Husband had surgery in 2020 and is slowly regaining ability to perform in a good-enough manner. It can take years for the nerves to regenerate from what I understand. Hang in there and don’t feel guilty for having your own needs. And thank you for starting this thread—I think a lot of partners are afraid to express their feelings about this. |
Anonymous
Is this the advice you give men whose wives lose all drive post-menopause? |
Anonymous
You need to get some therapy. ASAP! |
Anonymous
I think PPs delivery could have been better but the point (I think) is that there’s lots of other ways to have sex other than PIV and his refusal to think about her needs is kind of selfish. |
Anonymous
|
I would try to work through this in therapy, be VERY patient with him, initiate very gently not expecting PIV ever, and really just show your own vulnerability and your desire to love each other.
If this doesn't work after another year or two, I would absolutely not be above having discreet sexual relationships outside of the marriage. |
Anonymous
Maybe... but I'm a woman and I can completely empathize with how terrifying the loss of sexual function is for a man. He must be feeling like he's not a man at all sometimes (which of course is absolutely not true, but it's how men were raised to see themselves in the world). He's not being selfish on purpose. He's REALLY hurting. |
Anonymous
But how often are wives not satisfied and we deal with it? |
Anonymous
| I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that this happened to your DH and that his health problems are adversely affecting your sexual relationship. |