Prostate Surgery Relationship Impact

[Anonymous]

Hi this is OP again. Thanks for continuing the conversation and offering various perspectives.

It’s correct that I’m not wired in the way that would allow me to have a transactional relationship with someone else (either alone or in front of DH). It’s not that I am a prude, or even the “death do you part” aspect. Because we are more than husband and wife, but friends, I could never do that and give him even more to feel bad about. And I don’t think I could enjoy it because I’ve only enjoyed intimate relationships with people I care about and have feelings for. Before I was married I tried a fling or three and it always left me feeling empty and lonely. I’m sure it would work for other people so I understand the recommendation.

I think the idea of finding someone who specializes in depression stemming from his particular issues might be a good place to start, although I realize the advice might be the same that his current therapist gives.

Does anyone know of someone good?

A friend of mine said I should ask a doctor for a medication that suppresses libido if I really want to live the rest of my life in the situation and not be crazy. Not sure how I feel about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is OP again. Thanks for continuing the conversation and offering various perspectives.

It’s correct that I’m not wired in the way that would allow me to have a transactional relationship with someone else (either alone or in front of DH). It’s not that I am a prude, or even the “death do you part” aspect. Because we are more than husband and wife, but friends, I could never do that and give him even more to feel bad about. And I don’t think I could enjoy it because I’ve only enjoyed intimate relationships with people I care about and have feelings for. Before I was married I tried a fling or three and it always left me feeling empty and lonely. I’m sure it would work for other people so I understand the recommendation.

I think the idea of finding someone who specializes in depression stemming from his particular issues might be a good place to start, although I realize the advice might be the same that his current therapist gives.

Does anyone know of someone good?

A friend of mine said I should ask a doctor for a medication that suppresses libido if I really want to live the rest of my life in the situation and not be crazy. Not sure how I feel about that.

I posted earlier at length about getting him evaluated stat for depression. Yes, he needs to see someone who specializes in (as another PP put it) the loss of his sense of himself as a man, a sexual being, a husband.

Your friend who recommended the libido suppression for you is very, very mistaken. What an invasive comment. I'll assume your friend meant well, but you should not undergo the equivalent of chemical castration in order not to feel miserable.

If your DH can get help for the depression that likely makes him have no interest in even pleasuring you to make you happy, then you and he can restructure a new sex life where he can focus on your sexual needs. First he needs that mental health help, and you need to get past fearing you'll be imposing on him or pressuring him if you ask him to meet your needs in the ways he can -- and those ways can be varied and satisfying, even if there is no more PIV, OP. He may actually feel desirable and like he's got a reason to be a husband, if he knows you crave sexual contact but only with him.

I really am rooting for you both. I also, like you, only want sex in a loving, trusting, committed relationship and could never look outside that. Sex is more than just physical, it's mental and emotional, and I think if you and DH can break past the wall he's put up where he feels he's no longer got a sexual role in your marriage, you and he can find a new normal. But please don't buy the therapist's line you cited about (to paraphrase) how your new normal is just giving up and giving in. That therapist's advice was horrible, and defeatist. Your DH needs a new therapist, a specialist who has dealt with patients who lost sexual function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is OP again. Thanks for continuing the conversation and offering various perspectives.

It’s correct that I’m not wired in the way that would allow me to have a transactional relationship with someone else (either alone or in front of DH). It’s not that I am a prude, or even the “death do you part” aspect. Because we are more than husband and wife, but friends, I could never do that and give him even more to feel bad about. And I don’t think I could enjoy it because I’ve only enjoyed intimate relationships with people I care about and have feelings for. Before I was married I tried a fling or three and it always left me feeling empty and lonely. I’m sure it would work for other people so I understand the recommendation.

I think the idea of finding someone who specializes in depression stemming from his particular issues might be a good place to start, although I realize the advice might be the same that his current therapist gives.

Does anyone know of someone good?

A friend of mine said I should ask a doctor for a medication that suppresses libido if I really want to live the rest of my life in the situation and not be crazy. Not sure how I feel about that.

I posted earlier at length about getting him evaluated stat for depression. Yes, he needs to see someone who specializes in (as another PP put it) the loss of his sense of himself as a man, a sexual being, a husband.

Your friend who recommended the libido suppression for you is very, very mistaken. What an invasive comment. I'll assume your friend meant well, but you should not undergo the equivalent of chemical castration in order not to feel miserable.

If your DH can get help for the depression that likely makes him have no interest in even pleasuring you to make you happy, then you and he can restructure a new sex life where he can focus on your sexual needs. First he needs that mental health help, and you need to get past fearing you'll be imposing on him or pressuring him if you ask him to meet your needs in the ways he can -- and those ways can be varied and satisfying, even if there is no more PIV, OP. He may actually feel desirable and like he's got a reason to be a husband, if he knows you crave sexual contact but only with him.

I really am rooting for you both. I also, like you, only want sex in a loving, trusting, committed relationship and could never look outside that. Sex is more than just physical, it's mental and emotional, and I think if you and DH can break past the wall he's put up where he feels he's no longer got a sexual role in your marriage, you and he can find a new normal. But please don't buy the therapist's line you cited about (to paraphrase) how your new normal is just giving up and giving in. That therapist's advice was horrible, and defeatist. Your DH needs a new therapist, a specialist who has dealt with patients who lost sexual function.

I also posted previously, and I agree here.

Specifically, the first therapist who just told DH to give up and for you to just accept it? Terrible advice. Never go back to that person.

Like PP, I am one of the ones suggesting finding some sort of specialist; maybe a couples counselor specializing in older couples, where loss of sexual function is common?

I also agree your friend gave you poor advice; essentially she’s just saying take a pill and give up. But how sad is that?!?

About a year back, someone posted a book title; apparently a book about couples in their 60s and beyond, and how they can “adapt.” I forgot the title (should have just bought it).

Anyone remember?

From the reviews, it had info not just on the man’s ED (and tips to adapt / cope); but also menopause, dryness, loss of dexterity/flexibility (both), alternative positions, coping with differential drives, and also broadening our own views of what constitutes “sex” and “intimacy,” to include many more exciting things - fulfilling things - to do together in the bedroom.

Hope someone has the book title.

[Anonymous]

Also, I meant to ask (I am PP):

Is there still an ED issue? I re-read the OP, and you mentioned “he tried to use Viagra but he said the whole thing just felt weird and unpleasant and it didn’t make him feel good,”.

But there are at least 3 different pills available now, if ED is the main problem. Maybe he just needs encouragement to try a different one? Also:

While the absence of a prostate means ejaculation is no longer physically possible, some men can still achieve a “dry orgasm.” But not all, and it can take up to 2 years for the nerves to fully grow back. Question:

- is he able to orgasm “solo” ? (if you know).

[Anonymous]

He still has his tongue doesn’t he? Why can’t he eat the 🐈‍⬛ at least once per week? I’m not trolling here for anyone that may comment — this is a legitimate point that I think is worth making 🤷‍♀️.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He still has his tongue doesn’t he? Why can’t he eat the 🐈‍⬛ at least once per week? I’m not trolling here for anyone that may comment — this is a legitimate point that I think is worth making 🤷‍♀️.

DP not the OP, but: Please read the entire thread and OP's responses with more care before tossing off a "why can't he??" post like this. She already explained that he shows zero interest in any form of sexual activity. That's why several of us here are talking about the much bigger picture, where he is likely dealing with depression and other mental and emotional struggles stemming from his cancer and his loss of sexual function. I'm sure they're both already well aware of any specific act you can suggest. That's not the real issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 yrs ago DH discovered he had prostate cancer. At 46, he had to have his prostate removed. We were told the likely effects.

First few months after he was given the go ahead, he tried to use Viagra but he said the whole thing just felt weird and unpleasant and it didn’t make him feel good, which in turn made him depressed. He would rather not try at all.

I could accept that and understand it. He is still affectionate, but he has zero desire to try to meet my needs in that way.

I’ve talked to him about it, and he said he just can’t do it. He saw a therapist who basically said I need to accept the new normal and adjust to his new reality.

I have accepted it, and we have not had any sort of interaction beyond hugging and sometimes a kiss or two for over 2 years.

We are best friends (I would never leave over this) and still have fun together. We both work from home and for those who think he might be engaged in action elsewhere, we are around each other a lot and I am not getting any vibes like that. It just seems like that part of him is gone (which I guess it kind of is).

I guess for some reason reality is just hitting me now: I am destined to never have that sort of relationship again. That is so sad to me, knowing that that part of my life is over. I don’t know how to feel about it because I know there isn’t anything I can do.

For others who may be in a similar boat, do you really just get over it and at some point it doesn’t matter anymore? How long does it take? I am currently 44.

Thank you for sharing wisdom. DH is fine now BTW and we do not have any children by design if anyone wonders.

Hi, yes, same with me and my DH. I could have written it except that my DH does not have and had not had any cancer. I think it is just unorgasmia with him. So we stopped even trying since 2 years. I am also 44 and also very sad that I will never have sex with a man again. I have accepted it and live happily though. We have a great family, are partners at work, have great kids and travel a lot. You can't have everything. In the past women did not have sex all their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

My husband and I have a really strong sexual relationship. He is in his early 50s and the equipment is not working as well as it used to. There are times when he struggles to maintain. I do the best I can to help without making it obvious, and we are making it work. Desire is not an issue at this time. If he was no longer able to perform at all, I would not want a lover. I would want my husband back. It seems like you do not see it that way, but fwiw, if my husband told me to find a lover because he wasn't able to perform sexually, I would feel hurt. I would feel rejected.

OP's situation doesn't really sound like it's got much in common with either of us.

DP. Seems like a good back-n-forth between you and the PP. lots of perspectives here; hopefully some of it is useful to OP.

But I have to conclude at this point: the idea of OP “outsourcing” is a dead end.

Look, we’ve had people suggest “opening the marriage” and then others suggesting she take an AP behind DH’s back, then still another suggestion she take it from an escort right in from of DH, so he would see her getting fulfilled.

But OP has not responded, other than saying she’s not wired that way. Again, it’s obviously a dead end and not helpful.

OP: what does seem promising are the comparisons to aging, and the loss of intimacy which absolutely will - in every case - occur in every marriage over time. No one in their 90s is “doing it.” Very few in their 80s still are. Married couples’ sex lives die off before the people do. Not pleasant to think about, but that’s life.

Difference is the DH in this case had his sexual ability cut out of him by the surgeons scalpel ina few hours, as opposed to gradual decline over many years. That’s rough. And his ability to ejaculate is gone forever; that’s also got to be incredibly difficult to accept.

OP: could you maybe approach this from the perspective of aging? Maybe there are books or podcasts or some kind of help for adapting your sex life to this new change, and still finding ways for it to be mutually satisfying ? Sending you both hope and good thoughts in this.

I see it this way, too. Everyone is aging and gets ill some time or another. One partner will always lose desire before the other one will. It is sad, but needs to be accepted. Yes, 44 is not old nowadays, but 2 centuries ago 44 was already old, especially for women. I think that in the modern society sex is seen as a right to have always and forever, but just recently it wasn't that way for no-one. And just think of the recent wars, of the loss of men, their formerly early deaths, of the poverty and struggles. Thinking of sex in the age of 44 is, in my opinion, a luxury of a good and peaceful life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I was trying to talk down the other poster on here freaking out about prostate cancer. The treatments have very permanent effects. You can't go back. The average man would survive more than 10 years without treatment.

I'm sorry for how you feel OP. I'd suggest getting a sex-positice therapist to discuss how you can meet in the middle: https://www.lifeforcecounseling.org/about

OP's husband was 46 when he had treatment. 56 is not that old - a man is likely to have teenage or college aged kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since our teenage years whether intentional or not women have in not so subtle terms rated our sexual capabilities. Women have absolutely no issues nonchalantly saying that a man sucks I’m bed, that he has a small d**k, he can’t do this that etc…..So what do you expect when we start having erection and libido issues? And the selfishness of some women manifest itself in moments like this. Namely if the man can’t fulfill her sexual needs then what is she going to do ??

This is why I got angry a few weeks ago at the vacuous poster who was going to divorce her husband and ruin her family because he wasn't exciting enough in bed. Many of us are going through much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 yrs ago DH discovered he had prostate cancer. At 46, he had to have his prostate removed. We were told the likely effects.

First few months after he was given the go ahead, he tried to use Viagra but he said the whole thing just felt weird and unpleasant and it didn’t make him feel good, which in turn made him depressed. He would rather not try at all.

I could accept that and understand it. He is still affectionate, but he has zero desire to try to meet my needs in that way.

I’ve talked to him about it, and he said he just can’t do it. He saw a therapist who basically said I need to accept the new normal and adjust to his new reality.

I have accepted it, and we have not had any sort of interaction beyond hugging and sometimes a kiss or two for over 2 years.

We are best friends (I would never leave over this) and still have fun together. We both work from home and for those who think he might be engaged in action elsewhere, we are around each other a lot and I am not getting any vibes like that. It just seems like that part of him is gone (which I guess it kind of is).

I guess for some reason reality is just hitting me now: I am destined to never have that sort of relationship again. That is so sad to me, knowing that that part of my life is over. I don’t know how to feel about it because I know there isn’t anything I can do.

For others who may be in a similar boat, do you really just get over it and at some point it doesn’t matter anymore? How long does it take? I am currently 44.

Thank you for sharing wisdom. DH is fine now BTW and we do not have any children by design if anyone wonders.

You just need to come out and tell him you’re gonna get banged on the side occasionally. You have needs. He needs to nut up and accept it.

[Anonymous]

I think he needs to be open to exploring more options. There are other ways to have sex other than PIV. There are toys. Strap-on, vibrators, using other body parts. There are plenty of options. He's probably wrapped up in feeling inadequate but if there is no pressure to use his non-functioning penis and he knows you're okay with him trying other things out then he may be okay with it after some time.

[Anonymous]

Testosterone Injections for the win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Testosterone Injections for the win.

Not a winning idea. Testosterone feeds some kinds of prostate cancer. Many men have treatment to reduce whatever testosterone they still have to suppress the cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He still has his tongue doesn’t he? Why can’t he eat the 🐈‍⬛ at least once per week? I’m not trolling here for anyone that may comment — this is a legitimate point that I think is worth making 🤷‍♀️.

That's what I told DW when she said she just don't feel sexy and has lost her desire.

I said "Ok, well at least you can slob my knob once per week"
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Do you see how ridiculous you sound?