Unable to balance family
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Anonymous
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I believe you OP.
I was in similar situation when I was 31 yo, too naive. Your husband is very immature. He s not ready for a family. You expect him to change after the baby but it’s unlikely gonna happen You should divorce him. If he realized his mistake he can always make up with you later and you can decide to takie him backf that happens. ( this happened in my case. We separated for a year, DH was able to do some grow up. He was 34 when we had a child… yes he was a man child .) You can’t teach him to be an adult. He has to want to do it. It may or may it happen. But you you need to do what best for you and your kid. Now you alrehave a dependent, you can’t grow a man child . |
Anonymous
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I get the partying. My husband and I went out and partied or we would go separately for a few years after we had kids. We are both physicians. Maybe it has something to do with being in healthcare?
What you are describing here with your husband sounds beyond partying to me. It sounds like addiction. Here’s why I say this: - He isn’t fulfilling his major social obligations. He isn’t being a great husband or father here. Also, is he working besides being in the band? - He is drinking more than he means to and lying about it. - He is drinking while driving, which sets him up for legal consequences and is just plain dangerous. - Ira causing significant problems in his relationships This is a highly heritable illness. Are his bio parents dealing with addiction? He probably needs help, and he isn’t going to be much of a partner to you until he gets it. I agree with previous posters that you should leave this relationship. I would leave it with him that you will take him back when he gets sober and maintains sobriety for six months or so. |
Anonymous
| He's not going to change |
Anonymous
It's hard to read when it is one long paragraph. Sorry about your spouse but you have to look to hiring someone to watch your son when you need time for yourself. I would suggest counseling and perhaps divorce. It might be better alone but then again your spouse will have custody as well. |
Anonymous
I don't think they are married. OP, for someone who resents that she can't go out like you are single, you are about to have the baby 98% of the time. You both drink too much and need to grow up, but, you can only control you. Biggest party nights are behind you now. You are a mostly single parent now. Try to find some better role models . Do not date until your child is at least 10 and read some self help books, you ignored so many red fllags. Take responsibility for choosing to date and have a child with a man child with a drinking problem. File for child support and ask him to move out. What do you do for childcare while you work? Do you have a relative who could move in and help you? |
Anonymous
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OP, my sister married a man who promised to do xyz when they got married. They had to move in with his parents at first; then they had a kid. My sister kept waiting for her DH to do what he said he'd do so that they could move out. He never did it because he was comfortable where he was. He could do what he wanted (and boy did he). Similar to your case, he would stay out all night while she was at home with her ILs taking care of the baby.
Needless to say, they fought a lot, and she left him. Best decision ever. It also turned out that he would do drugs when he was out. He remarried 2x; both ended in divorce. He never changed. He doesn't have a relationship with their son. My sister helped put their son through college. He said he would do xyz when their son hit college, but that never happened because, once again, too selfish and lazy. |
Anonymous
| He won’t change. Get out now. |
Anonymous
You sound like a child. Complaining about not going out on the biggest party nights of the year? (Who knew Thanksgiving Eve was a thing?). You both should be in therapy, separately and together, to learn how to communicate like adults and act like parents. And I firmly believe in parents retaining their own lives - I have traveled for fun since my kids were little and my husband does the same. I have an activity that takes up a good chunk of time but I think it's healthy for moms to have things outside of being moms (I also work full time). But you're handling this wrong. All you want to do is "win" but really you're losing and so is your kid. |
Anonymous
| You can’t control what someone else does. He has to want to do better, and it sounds like he doesn’t. You will have to o continue to man up and carry all the slack. It sucks, but it is not just bad luck. You chose to shack up with this loser. You chose to have a baby with him knowing what he is like. You need to start making better decisions. Like not having more kids until you are in a better place to raise them right. |
Anonymous
Hire help/babysitter and do what you need to do. |
Anonymous
But he doesn't care. And that's who you're married to. So figure out what you're going to do about that. Stop trying to make him someone else. He's a drunk musician. If you don't like that, then it's time to leave him. |
Anonymous
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Get a divorce/split up now. He is an alcoholic. Don’t get sucked into this.
You also have a lot of growing up to do, but you will probably manage to do it. He won’t. |
Anonymous
You have / had a newborn and needed to go out drinking on NYE? Why? OP, were too young to get married and you don't seem prepared for the sacrifice and work involved in having a child. Your DH is definitely not mature enough to be the husband and father he needs to be right this moment. Leave your husband, keep your house, keep your job, get some excellent childcare, and provide your child with a stable home and parent. |
Anonymous
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OP, I know a lot of classical musicians, and they too, have a schedule centered on nightlife, since their concerts are in the evening and then some of them go out and drink, which is also an important networking time. A musician will have that lifestyle, and some of them do well with it, as in, control their drinking, not stay out all night, only go to events that are financially or socially worth it, etc. Some of them don't. Your husband has a living to earn to support his family and curtailing his gigs isn't going to cut it when he's in his prime earning years! I also had a kid at 25, while in grad school. Right now it seems as though you're confusing your relative amounts of "going out" with his profession. It's his job! Not yours. If you guys can't afford a nanny, then welcome to the world of most of the human sapiens on this planet. I couldn't afford a regular nanny either, our relatives live far away, and the only date night we had back then was when my husband and I went to childbirth class when I was pregnant with my second, and left my first with our neighbor's nanny, who gave us a good rate. We found a daycare that took my entire (puny) grad stipend, and we lived *very tightly* on my husband's salary for a while. Are you sure there isn't an affordable church daycare somewhere? There are people like me who have kids young, on a very small budget, and are realistic about what parenting entails. You both have some growing up to do. It's hard to tell from your post whether your husband is going out too often and spending too much. When he's free, he could stay home while you go out with your friends, or you could both spend extra to hire a nanny for date night. But don't count his going out hours the way you count yours. They're fundamentally different. If you think he's not mature enough to handle being a husband and father, and not prioritizing the budget for daycare, that's a different conversation. I can't tell from your post whether you're at that point or not, and you'll still have a daycare problem even if divorce is on the table. You need to have another conversation with him, about childcare. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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08:30 again.
Do not regret this child, BTW. I have secondary infertility due to health issues now, and I'm very thankful I did not wait for financial stability to have a child. The conflict and frugality you are living now is a mere blip in your life, and at some point you'll look back on this period with a rueful smile. Your little one is lucky to have you (and dad!). You can make this work, OP, whether or not you two get divorced. |