Unable to balance family
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Anonymous
| Spouse and I have a 2 month old son - You might ask why I had a child with this person knowing what I knew when we met. He is a local musician (has a FT job). He switched bands when I was roughly 4-5 months pregnant. Told me it would be a “calm” band as we had a child on the way. Now when I bring that up it’s, “it be came bigger than I thought it would - they’re a local cover band). Well they played last minute shows the week of all summer, 3 shows a month and practiced 2-3 times a week despite me voicing I needed him home more and support during my pregnancy as I sat home while we played those shows and got drunk. Fast forward, I voiced my concerns multiple times and he finally agreed to 1 per month show and 1 per week practice after the baby came. I was in labor at his show in October. We had a 3 week old for his show in November, I had PPD and he wouldn’t let me leave the house to enjoy a drink with my friends even though he got to do his thing on Thanksgiving Eve, the show night and one of the biggest party nights of year. Lied about a bar he went to after his show (actually didn’t even tell me I found out days later) and lied about drinking and driving. December comes, his son (newborn still), myself and himself are sick with Covid. He plays the show because he tested negative and left me home to be with sick baby, baby was still testing positive but I wasn’t. Well I went out with my cousin the next night (NYE) because he had his show NYEE on Saturday the night before, also one of the biggest party nights of the year. He blew up my phone, texted me for hours. Needless to say I didn’t enjoy my time. I do not do that to him. When he’s done I let him do his thing expecting the same in return. He is running his mouth about me to his family saying I’m trying to make him quit his band when that isn’t the case he’s just mad because he wants to play more. He has gone against his word for once per month shows and already has multiple months of 2+ shows per month for 2024 despite me going back to work and sacrificing my schedule (working weekends and evenings now instead of days because we can’t afford childcare). And I will still get a hard time when I try to do things for myself or leave the house for dinner with friends he tells me it’s not the same as him because he’s making money (maybe $150 a show) and playing drums not just “getting drunk and being a whore”. I have never cheated on him. He leaves the house the day of his show wayyyyy before he needs to. It’s all he talks about when it’s just me and him on the off days. He hasn’t planned any special date nights or things to do as a couple just us. I’m expected to come to his show and get a babysitter for our son and that’s our “date.” I’m just really having a hard time and don’t know what to do. On top of it, I bought a house in May and it’s in my name. Any advice please? |
Anonymous
| I might ask why you didn't use paragraphs. |
Anonymous
| Finish your homework and go to bed. And no more drinking!!! |
Anonymous
I’m not sure if this is a slam but I’m 25 and a nurse. Just looking for honest input on what I should do to make this fair. I love my son and he comes first but I need to have my own freedom and independence in the same way as he does. I feel I have been fair with the boundaries and communicated very well. |
Anonymous
Because my baby is sleeping and I have no idea when he’ll wake up… didn’t know this was English class lol |
Anonymous
People here are harsh on people who write a lot. It's sad. Sorry, OP. It sounds like you are getting treated unfairly but I'm not sure you'll be able to alter your spouse's selfishness. I never did girls' nights out but my husband would take the baby for 2 hour walks so I could aleep in. It helped. |
Anonymous
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Assuming this is a troll, you need to divorce. I doubt he will want any form of custody. Maybe a day here or there that he will likely back out of.
Then DO NOT DATE. The amount of glaring red flags you ignored is alarming. You knew he was before you married him and had a baby with him. But you were naive enough to think he was actually going to change. He wasn't and isn't. Cut your losses now so that you're not posting here a few years from now with a cheating husband, a miserable marriage, and an uninvolved dad. |
Anonymous
| No one is this stupid. This has to be a troll. If you don't divorce him then you deserve how miserable you are. |
Anonymous
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You chose a lifestyle thinking you could change it. He doesnt want the change you want/need. You probably need to think of other ways to get your needs met, like occasional sitters.
And you also need to adjust your desire for what you think is fair. You’re seeing it through your eyes only and want fair based on your needs/wants while he wants fair based on his which are different. While it’s water under the bridge now, you two don’t seem like a good match. You liked the lifestyle until you didn’t and he still likes the lifestyle you had pre baby. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately it is real. An abortion was scheduled but I couldn’t go through with it because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Now I’m just trying to figure out the best life for this baby as a whole family and if there’s any way to make it work. |
Anonymous
You really don’t have a choice except to make it work. Otherwise you get to try to figure out how to make a lifestyle of shared custody and financial sacrifices of a single income work because that’s what divorce looks like. Problem you have is that you choose to build a life with someone and now don’t like who that someone is. But you can’t change people. Until acknowledge and accept this, you won’t be able to figure out how to make things work. Last thing. Early babyhood is hard and it is constantly changing. What your child needs today will be different in a month and in a year and in five. Most of us make changes but we don't all radically alter our lifestyles for a baby. We fit the baby into who we are. |
Anonymous
| You were too young to have this child and neither of you had the stable life needed to support a child, especially not alone. You need to grow tf up, BOTH of you. You are a new mother. You don’t need a girls night out when your baby is 3 weeks old, you were incredibly irresponsible to have a baby with a man like this and both of you seem to feel entitled to your before kids life even though there’s a newborn to take care of. You should support your husband’s paying job(s), yes that means going to his shows, and yea he has to rehearse more and play more if he’s going to be a successful musician; it’s not a big deal to take care of a baby by yourself sometimes when your spouse is working (and that goes for both of you). Quit expecting him to sit home and hold your hand every step of the way. Neither of you should be partying, both of you should be making more money/have a career plan, and taking turns minding the baby when not working. You chose this, now woman up and do it. |
Anonymous
Oof after buying the house in my name, no help and having two jobs until I was 20 weeks pregnant (nurse and bartender) to be able to come up with the down payment and painting my baby’s nursery and doing house renos while he was off practicing and playing shows all summer I am exhausted. I keep being promised things that he will not stand true to. It gets old opening up his car to empty beer cans in the door. How much can one person try and give until they break? It’s been take take take. Not with a perfect little baby in the picture anymore. I refuse for him to raised on chaos and in bars every other weekend. I finally got a night to myself after 2 months and I don’t feel bad about it especially after the traumatic birth I had and all the galavanting he’s been off doing including my whole pregnancy. There’s no reason your spouse and the person you love shouldn’t be encouraging you to get out of the house when you’re finally feeling better after something like that especially when they claim to love you. It’s 2024 and women aren’t men’s servants anymore especially when we bring more to the table on a financial level. If he actually cared he would get an actual second job and maybe do that once or twice a week to help instead of worry about party time. |
Anonymous
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Divorce.
Nothing else you can do here. If you are an RN, you can have a good life with one child. Buy/ rent an apartment, and find a reliable babysitter. When your child is 6 and in school full time, go back to school and get an NP. NPs make low 100s. You can have a good life with that income. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm saying this as kindly as possible. You guys were too young to get married, and he is not mature enough to be the husband and father he needs to be right this moment. YOU have a house in your name, you have good employment. Speaking as someone who married at 19 and divorced at 34, if I were you I'd give marriage counseling and individual counseling a try, and also visit a lawyer to explore options for divorce, custody, and coparenting.
He's unlikely to change in the ways you need him to. He might mature out of this phase in his late 30s. You'll have moved on long before he gets it together. You and your child deserve peace, not chaos. |