I'm intimidated by my new boyfriend's smarts

[Anonymous]

Man here with strong academic background. In my 20s, went on a few dates with a woman from a working class background that went to a community college for a few dates. She had more insights on people and a more realistic view of the world than a roomful of professors. Degrees aren't everything and quite frankly, wish I had pursued more with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only started dating at the beginning of November, and between holidays, family, travel, etc., haven't gotten to spend much time together. I just found out he's got a mechanical engineering degree from MIT. I ... have a bachelors degree from a middle of the road college, in a more simple major. I'm not stupid, but not on his level. This is really throwing my confidence. Advice?

Yeah, you have to be good at math and have a decent processing speed to get into MIT, but most people aren't out there making conversation about mechanical engineering topics. If he wanted to date another engineer, he would have looked for one..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last year I dated a PhD astrophysicist Cambridge grad, polyglot (5 languages) and Mensa member. I was a single mom with a state school humanities Bachelors and had been a SAHM for many years. He said I was the most sophisticated woman he'd ever dated and often said things about how I was out of his league. I'm not sure if it was his own insecurity or not, there were some signs of that (why did he need to be in Mensa, for example?) We met on an app and started off chatting about books and music - I was an advanced classical pianist and had read more literature than him, which he admired. He thought I was gorgeous and had a fantastic body. I was intimidated because his previous girlfriends were a doctor and a vet. But he said at least that I was more interesting and not "basic". Whatever that means.

It didn't work out and in hindsight I found him both snobbish and insecure, maybe they go together?

You really don't want to hang out with these folks. What kind of person bothers to join this?

[Anonymous]

This is a bit of a reversal but I had 1580 SATs and my DH around 1150 or so and I was always an A student and he a B. On paper I might be smarter but his common sense, street smarts and problem solving skills are off the chart. There’s academic smarts and then real world smarts. If you’ve got some real world smarts you will be fine. Some people with academic smarts can’t tie their shoes if you know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Eh I mean what does this mean? He tests well and has an aptitude for that thing.

This not to minimize that incredible thing. But i would bet you have that version of something, even if it’s soft skills, or an aptitude for a hobby. His is just very clear and measurable in our society. You have your thing too!

[Anonymous]

Smarts and academic pedigree aren't the same. I wouldn't assume you're less smart because you went to a different school or didn't go to grad school.

[Anonymous]

I have an Aerospace Engineering doctorate from Caltech and my opinion about people who are perceived as smart is that the vast majority of them are humble and curious. They value others opinions. A degree is NOT a requirement to be considered intelligent, articulate or well read.

[Anonymous]

MIT grad here. Most MIT folks I know are smart, but also realize there are a lot of different ways to be smart, and therefore aren’t snobby about it. Especially since most people who go to MIT get there and realize they aren’t the smartest person in the room. There are some prestigious schools where this mindset isn’t common, however.

Another thing to not let it worry you is that you’ve been dating for a while and only just found this out. If he thought it was a a big deal, he would have mentioned it early on!

I would recommend against bragging about him to friends and family - he might feel differently about it - but I hate it when my husband brings up my educational background in situations that aren’t relevant, which are 99.9% of all social situations.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all, for talking me down. The information just really threw me for a loop and I couldn't find my way towards processing it. I appreciate all your perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIT grad here. Most MIT folks I know are smart, but also realize there are a lot of different ways to be smart, and therefore aren’t snobby about it. Especially since most people who go to MIT get there and realize they aren’t the smartest person in the room. There are some prestigious schools where this mindset isn’t common, however.

Another thing to not let it worry you is that you’ve been dating for a while and only just found this out. If he thought it was a a big deal, he would have mentioned it early on!

I would recommend against bragging about him to friends and family - he might feel differently about it - but I hate it when my husband brings up my educational background in situations that aren’t relevant, which are 99.9% of all social situations.

So true. My son is a freshman at Stanford studying physics. While I am here all excited, proud and even bragging about it every time I get a chance, my son is indifferent. He is very bright, and most importantly humble. Many things come naturally to him and he doesn’t see his abilities to be out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

I went to MIT. Most of the guys were really nice, humble. There were only a few that were super cocky because they thought of themselves as hot. Or a few that I think were doing roids on the football team. Most of them have married women not from MIT.

[Anonymous]

“Smart” smart people don’t brag about their academic pedigree or hold it over someone’s head. He doesn’t sound like one of those guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding? Grab him!!

Curious why you would say or encourage that? NP here. I know many "successful" MIT, CalTech and Stanford grads. They have all started their own businesses, and women in general (men do not seem to care) perceive them to be rich. I am wondering about your statement, because not one of them, that I know personally, is rich. They all live in decent houses, but their wives literally have to do everything for them, because they are book smart, but have no common sense. The wives literally run heir businesses, behind the scenes, and the wives are the common sense and the workhorses of the couple. I don't think you would last a minute, with the lack of communication skills, lack of common sense, and ASD that is often found in a certain population. My representative sample is more than sufficient for me to make my own judgments.

There seems to be so much naivete pertaining to this topic. As a part time boyfriend he may be fine, but as a full time spouse you will undoubtedly find challenges (some tremendous) you have yet to predict, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, for talking me down. The information just really threw me for a loop and I couldn't find my way towards processing it. I appreciate all your perspectives.

OP, I'm glad you're talked down now! I was going to ask how many years post-college you are, because the farther out you are from college/grad school, the less and less the college reputation/degree etc. matter, in terms of dating, to me. Kind of like how when people first are dating post-college, there's sometimes more comparison of "where did you go, what was your major" etc., but as time goes on that simply recedes into the background.

As others note: There are many kinds of smarts. Don't denigrate or underestimate your own. Also don't overemphasize the impressiveness of his college or his degree field. Both are great, absolutely, but that does not somehow make your own college or field "less than."

And there's a good, old saying to remember: "Comparison is the thief of joy." Stop comparing yourself to him or your degree to his etc. It will blind you to the ways in which you might compliment each others' strengths and balance out each others' weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year I dated a PhD astrophysicist Cambridge grad, polyglot (5 languages) and Mensa member. I was a single mom with a state school humanities Bachelors and had been a SAHM for many years. He said I was the most sophisticated woman he'd ever dated and often said things about how I was out of his league. I'm not sure if it was his own insecurity or not, there were some signs of that (why did he need to be in Mensa, for example?) We met on an app and started off chatting about books and music - I was an advanced classical pianist and had read more literature than him, which he admired. He thought I was gorgeous and had a fantastic body. I was intimidated because his previous girlfriends were a doctor and a vet. But he said at least that I was more interesting and not "basic". Whatever that means.

It didn't work out and in hindsight I found him both snobbish and insecure, maybe they go together?

Forgot to say that in hindsight I also thought he was a moron, in terms of relationships, communication and EQ. A PhD and prestigious job only gets you so far in life.

100% this. This sounds similar to my current boyfriend, though he isn't snobbish or insecure. I was very initimidated by his academia, but quickly learned how much more intelligent I was socially and emotionally, and he doesn't care about my bachelor's degree. I do think that many science/math PhDs fall short in the social/emotional areas of intelligence (tend to be awkward, not charming, etc).