I'm intimidated by my new boyfriend's smarts

[Anonymous]

We only started dating at the beginning of November, and between holidays, family, travel, etc., haven't gotten to spend much time together. I just found out he's got a mechanical engineering degree from MIT. I ... have a bachelors degree from a middle of the road college, in a more simple major. I'm not stupid, but not on his level. This is really throwing my confidence. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm smart, but DH is absolutely smarter than me. It has really never been an issue. He has never made me feel dumb or made fun of the fact that I prefer murder mysteries to his serious books. We still play Trivial Pursuit and board games together even though he wins 99% of the time. I know he's proud of me and my achievements, even if they pale in comparison to his

I think you just have to look at what you bring to the table. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Do not express your insecurities out loud. It can come across wrong (you don't know your own worth, you are overly impressed by his degree, etc.).

There are different ways to be smart. Some call them "intelligences". For example, emotional intelligence.

A lot of what gets (mainly men) into professions like Engineering is early strength in math which leads to high SAT scores and high grades in quantitative subjects.

The only person I know from MIT is super humble and approachable.

It can also be annoying to be in a relationship with someone who is super smart and therefore thinks they are right all the time. Maybe they even are right all the time, but it still gets on the other person's nerves. I have seen this dynamic play out many times with couples I know. Your situation may be a comfortable situation for your boyfriend, with no disrespect meant re: your intellectual skills. Good conversation without constant debating, for example...

[Anonymous]

Last year I dated a PhD astrophysicist Cambridge grad, polyglot (5 languages) and Mensa member. I was a single mom with a state school humanities Bachelors and had been a SAHM for many years. He said I was the most sophisticated woman he'd ever dated and often said things about how I was out of his league. I'm not sure if it was his own insecurity or not, there were some signs of that (why did he need to be in Mensa, for example?) We met on an app and started off chatting about books and music - I was an advanced classical pianist and had read more literature than him, which he admired. He thought I was gorgeous and had a fantastic body. I was intimidated because his previous girlfriends were a doctor and a vet. But he said at least that I was more interesting and not "basic". Whatever that means.

It didn't work out and in hindsight I found him both snobbish and insecure, maybe they go together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last year I dated a PhD astrophysicist Cambridge grad, polyglot (5 languages) and Mensa member. I was a single mom with a state school humanities Bachelors and had been a SAHM for many years. He said I was the most sophisticated woman he'd ever dated and often said things about how I was out of his league. I'm not sure if it was his own insecurity or not, there were some signs of that (why did he need to be in Mensa, for example?) We met on an app and started off chatting about books and music - I was an advanced classical pianist and had read more literature than him, which he admired. He thought I was gorgeous and had a fantastic body. I was intimidated because his previous girlfriends were a doctor and a vet. But he said at least that I was more interesting and not "basic". Whatever that means.

It didn't work out and in hindsight I found him both snobbish and insecure, maybe they go together?

Forgot to say that in hindsight I also thought he was a moron, in terms of relationships, communication and EQ. A PhD and prestigious job only gets you so far in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only started dating at the beginning of November, and between holidays, family, travel, etc., haven't gotten to spend much time together. I just found out he's got a mechanical engineering degree from MIT. I ... have a bachelors degree from a middle of the road college, in a more simple major. I'm not stupid, but not on his level. This is really throwing my confidence. Advice?

Engineering and math smarts are one kind of intelligence but there are other kinds. My husband has fancier degrees than that, but I outsmart him in other areas. He has an appalling memory - anything deemed unimportant is wiped from his memory, whereas I seem to retain most memories. That helps me win at Trivial Pursuits. Would you get on better with someone less brainy? I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

There are many kinds of intelligence. Some people are really smart in some areas and really dumb in others. Enjoy the mutual education and try to support one another.

[Anonymous]

Agree with other posters- your degree/alma mater is not everything.

Also, I don’t know how old you are, but the college you were able to get into at 18 is not necessarily reflective of your intelligence now. I know people who are life long learners who continue to grow, & others who haven’t picked up a book since they left school…so once you are in your mid 30s, it kind of depends more on your natural intelligence/curiosity rather than where you graduated from 10 yrs ago.

[Anonymous]

Are you kidding? Grab him!!

[Anonymous]

I agree with all of this, including not expressing your insecurities out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many kinds of intelligence. Some people are really smart in some areas and really dumb in others. Enjoy the mutual education and try to support one another.

This. DH is highly educated and very smart in many ways. But my brain runs circles around his when we’re doing certain activities. I suspect he has a high IQ but I also know my test scores too.

[Anonymous]

Cambridge PhD (DPhil) here. Most academia is manual labor. There are many average-IQ people with advanced degrees and many high-IQ people in the trades. Don’t assume anything about his or yours intellectual potential based on letters appended to names. What you probably can assume is that he’s hard working, patient, curious and interested in his field.

Otherwise, PhD or not, he is just another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many kinds of intelligence. Some people are really smart in some areas and really dumb in others. Enjoy the mutual education and try to support one another.

This. DH is highly educated and very smart in many ways. But my brain runs circles around his when we’re doing certain activities. I suspect he has a high IQ but I also know my test scores too.

+1. And +1 to the people who point out that where you went to college and what degree you got are not the same thing as your level of intelligence. Anyone who believes otherwise is….not smart.

[Anonymous]

*By manual labor, I mean that research consists of repetitive tasks that don’t really require high IQ.

[Anonymous]

My DH is certainly smarter than me in math and logic games. No question. But he will readily admit I have a far greater ability to emotionally connect with people, a better memory and artistic gifts he simply doesn’t possess.

It evens out.