Venting about DH who says consequences are upsetting teen son

[Anonymous]

yeah, tell your DH to suck it.

i would do the same thing. don't want to eat the breakfast i make you? ok, i'll stop making it. don't want to eat the lunch i make you? ok, i'll stop making it. can't keep track of your socks? ok, buy them yourself.

my kids "suffered through all of this and more and are now productive adult members of society.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t your 17 year old going off to college or trade school or something next year? It really is time to stop making his lunch regardless of the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP a lot of the background is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you work or not or if your husband does anything to support the kids or house as it pertains to the issue at hand. The issue is your child was wasting the packed lunches and when you pointed it out to him and asked him to put it in the fridge (not hard), he did not. It’s fine for you to then say, well we can’t keep packing and wasting lunches, so now your choices are to continue buying or pack a lunch. If he really wanted you to go back to packing his lunches he could simply ask you and promise not to waste. Ignore your husband’s hot take. He is wrong on this.

OP here, yes this is very reasonable. The background is indeed relevant, thanks for the reality check.

[Anonymous]

How much $$ is he spending a week on lunch? I wouldn’t be paying for some crappy fast food multiple days each week.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts. A 13 year old and 17 year old should not expect to be treated the same and I would assume this ha been made clear to them a million times over the years. So far the 17 year old has probably mostly benefitted from this -- later bedtime when they were younger, first to get a phone, first to sit in the front seat, etc.

Personally, I decided middle school was the time to stop packing lunch. I have a middle schooler and one in her last year of ES. The older one packs his lunch. I help him out when he has a lot of homework or a late sporting event, but he packs it for the most part. The younger one knows she will next year. I am not saying that is the right time for everyone, but I 100% think a 17 year old should be packing his own lunch.

I also think stopping packing as a consequence (versus time to start learning to take care of yourself) is perfectly appropriate in this situation. For me it would be more about making the lunch and then him going out. Not the fact that he doesn't remember to put it in the fridge because I would not reuse it anyway after 7 or 8 hours--though my kids don't like an ice pack in their lunch. If your kids use one, maybe that would be okay.

Your husband sounds like a dick. I am not sure what else to say about that. Maybe counseling to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that your husband is a lazy ass who wants to raise a man-baby. You are right and your husband is wrong. Stay strong! It's not a "punishment" to give a child age-appropriate responsibilities! It's harmful to a child if you don't, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can make lunches.

+1. Geez. I am on your side, OP. He and your DS need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I support you. You haven’t even really punished your son, just stopped doing something that he needs to learn. Maybe you could go back and revisit the conversation with him and check in on how he’s doing with it. But really your husband is just stirring the pot here.

It is hard to get kids to step up, but have some faith that your messaging will click for them when it needs to. Humans are good at taking advantage of every opportunity to be lazy, until we absolutely cannot do it any longer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your husband is a lazy ass who wants to raise a man-baby. You are right and your husband is wrong. Stay strong! It's not a "punishment" to give a child age-appropriate responsibilities! It's harmful to a child if you don't, FFS.

Tell your husband to make lunches to “fix” it if he wants. Also, not to make you feel bad, but this is not a problem for all working moms. I’m glad for you that you’re at the tail end of raising kids so you can get some breathing space. I have friends with spouses like yours. I appreciate their patience, because I would be consumed by bitterness at having to do all the heavy lifting myself.

Your kids are lucky to have you and although it may not seem like it, they will appreciate all you’ve done for them. Take a break when you need one. And as your kids are older, start putting more on them.

[Anonymous]

I literally start screaming at my husband when he starts blaming me for things he hasn’t even attempted to investigate or fix. It’s a deliberate choice, because I’m not a yeller, but I notice it’s the only response he understands as an angry response. If I reply coldly without raising my voice that he can’t criticize if he’s not involved, he doesn’t get that he’s crossed a line. He’s on the spectrum, as I suspect your husband is.

Starting from when our oldest was in 12th grade, my husband made all the lunches. He finally got the message.

[Anonymous]

I stopped making lunches in middle school. The kids get a small set amount of $ in their lunch accounts to purchase school lunch or junk from the snack bar. It isn’t enough $ that they can do so every day- so they have to pack lunch some days. Our HS does not have open campus lunch however.

Very few parents are still packing lunches in HS, lol. My kids’ friends are also responsible for packing their own or purchasing from what I have heard.

Sounds to me like your DS has too much access to $- that is what I would focus on here. You and DH need to agree on a set allowance and not give him any additional spending $ unless agreed upon.

[Anonymous]

I would stop too. Tell your husband to make them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped making lunches in middle school. The kids get a small set amount of $ in their lunch accounts to purchase school lunch or junk from the snack bar. It isn’t enough $ that they can do so every day- so they have to pack lunch some days. Our HS does not have open campus lunch however.

Very few parents are still packing lunches in HS, lol. My kids’ friends are also responsible for packing their own or purchasing from what I have heard.

Sounds to me like your DS has too much access to $- that is what I would focus on here. You and DH need to agree on a set allowance and not give him any additional spending $ unless agreed upon.

I pack my hs kids lunch. They don’t have time with activities and school. If I don’t they or dad will in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in to validate your approach and your feelings. You should remind your DH that if he doesn't like the way you do something or thinks it should be done differently, he should feel free to take over the task. As a PP said, if he doesn't participate, he doesn't get to criticize.

I'll add that your kids will, if they haven't already, recognize you efforts. My DH sounds a better than yours but I've still carried far more of the parental load than he as. My kids (20, 19, 17) have always come to me first when they're struggling, have a problem, need advice or have something to share they're proud of. You and I are rocks and they know they can depend on us. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't be making lunches for a 17 year old and if he wants to eat out, he should have a job to earn the money to pay for it.