Venting about DH who says consequences are upsetting teen son

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. Thanks for all the commiseration, validation and good suggestions. I'm not fuming any more, though I admit that incidents like this open up the pandora's box of old grievances and now I'm stewing over the past. Hopefully the upcoming holiday break will reset my mind!

[Anonymous]

You sound VERY rigid, OP.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about lunches. Your son takes after his incompetent and irresponsible father.

Surely this isn't new in junior year.

[Anonymous]

Stop making lunch. If he wants it, he makes it.
Take away the gift money and spend it on essentials for his life.

He has to earn lunch money and pull his weight around the house (laundry, dishes).

Your job is to teach and help, not do.
Don't lift a finger to help him unless he is there with you commiting the time at least, and ideally participating in the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the main point at all, but just noting I don't think the food would still be good to return to the fridge after all day at school to re-use the next day. That actually sounds terrible to me and could result in food poisoning, or at least unappetizing food. That might be why he doesn't put it back in the fridge?

Maybe the food goes bad, but no way is this kid thinking that much.


To deal with the food: If kids wants a lunch bag and doesn't eat it, then that's what he gets for dinner.

[Anonymous]

What's making your son depressed is being a young adult who can't do age appropriate self-care. He'll feel better when he learns to be more independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's making your son depressed is being a young adult who can't do age appropriate self-care. He'll feel better when he learns to be more independent.

Yeah I agree.

[Anonymous]

Christ. My daughter is almost 10 and has made her own lunch since she was 8. She can also cut veggies and safely handle a gas stove and oven. Try teaching life skills - Your goal is to raise adults - ones that can make choices and fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can make lunches.

Bingo, yes, I actually suggested that! DH says he's fine to make lunches, but he says it wouldn't solve the issue of DS feeling like I'm punishing him. (Anyway, I don't think DH making lunches for a 17 year old is the solution, which would probably mean he'd drop some of his other duties which would then fall on me.) Plus this almost-adult DS needs to step up, I'm not raising another manchild for a future wife to suffer under.

I'd point out to my husband that yes, this IS MEANT TO punish your son, who is wasting food. And then I think I'd call my husband out because 100% the issue here is that your husband thinks you should still be serving the men of the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is younger but I still make her lunch. I’m making my own anyway so it doesn’t cause me any grief to make hers at the same time. So I’m not one of those parents who thinks your kid needs to be making lunch at 7 or they will never succeed in life. I think you need to get him to cut down on buying lunch out. It’s a waste of money and it’s crap food. Maybe compromise with him on twice a week?

Well it’s good OP is talking about making lunch for a 17 year old and not a 7 year old then. Needing mommy to pack your lunch when you are 1 year from adulthood is ridiculous.

Get a grip. My mother made my lunches until I left for college. I figured it out and am a functioning adult. Lord. Some of you are way too dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons are 13 and 17. I work full time and have been the one doing 75% of the childcare, parenting and household work since the kids were little. Yeah, don't berate me, I know that's not ok, for 18 years now I tried everything to get my DH to take more responsibility but he's very passive in all areas of life, and it's a miracle I got him to even do 25%.

Ever since my older DS survived junior year, I've been slowly trying to get him to take more responsibility for himself. I'm tired of serving him but I also want him to toughen up before he goes to college, where he will have to wake himself up in the morning, do his own laundry, make his own meals. (He already does daily chores that take up about 15 minutes each day.)

One of the areas I've been stricter is with school lunches. I make school lunches for both kids because I like them to have a good meal on their long days. Older DS kept going out for lunch with his friends, coming home and leaving his packed lunch in his backpack, and by the time he pulled it out at night, it was not re-usable for the next day. I don't mind him going out to lunch with friends, but I kept asking him to put the food in the fridge when he gets home from school, so it can last for the next day. After reminding him several times over two months, I told him I'm tired of making lunches that get thrown away, and if he didn't start putting the food in the fridge I would stop making his lunches. He still didn't do it, so I stopped making his lunches. He seems annoyed by this but not overly put out.

Now DH says I'm making older DS "depressed" because I'm not making his lunches anymore, causing a rift in the family (because I still make younger DS's lunch) and making the kids so upset about this situation that they don't want to hang out with us anymore. This coming from DH who has literally not lifted a parenting finger in his life without me having to force him to step up. I asked him how he knows that DS is depressed, that's a pretty serious assessment, and if he's talked to DS about this, and he says no he hasn't. I said to him if DS has a problem with me, he should bring it up with me, and if DH wants to start that conversation with him to get the ball rolling, he's welcome to. Of course, DH says what would be the point of that, he doesn't want to get involved. And this is a typical pattern, DH only brings up parenting issues when he wants to criticize me for not doing enough or for stressing out the kids with my rules, but he never actually does any parenting of his own except being fun dad. Did I already say I do 75% of the family labor and I work full time? And we have two generally healthy, accomplished and well-adjusted kids as a result of my efforts?

I am FUUUUUMMMMING. Over the years I've managed to suppress most of my anger about the short end of the stick that working mothers get. But when stuff comes up like this I am just ready to punch someone!! Ok, I think I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

What I’d say to DH:
“This is not a punishment. It’s a consequence. And one he was on notice about. Additionally he is wasting my time and a lot of food. If he wants to have a discussion with me, instead of behind my back to you, that’s up to him to do.

I will not make his lunch. You are free to do so. But I don’t agree with doing so ”

[Anonymous]

We gen x ers are doing too much for our kids. I am paying the price for that with my two college age sons. You should not be making lunches and if you son is eating out every day he should pay with his own money for it. And I am calling foul on your husband - depression can be cured by mommy packing a lunch?

[Anonymous]

OP, parent the way you want. You are in a house of 3 men who think it's ok to (practically) bully you. I'm not sure you're going to change the dynamic. DH is not your confidant/partner on these matters. So, just do. Whatever you see fit to do, do it. It happens. And you are a person with much more important thoughts than needing to speak about it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your 17 year old sounds like a kid who is being spoiled, who wastes food without a 2nd thought, who cares so little about the money wasted, as well as your energy and time wasted.

Making him a lunch now would be a huge disservice to shaping a considerate, responsible adult.

Your husband sounds horrible and he needs a “HOW DARE YOU” talking to.

[Anonymous]

Is, "I'm depressed" being used as manipulation, by the younger generation now. To not rise to the, sometimes simplest, challenges of life?

Quick to use the word depressed rather than mad. Get a quicker reaction from their parents.