Venting about DH who says consequences are upsetting teen son

[Anonymous]

My sons are 13 and 17. I work full time and have been the one doing 75% of the childcare, parenting and household work since the kids were little. Yeah, don't berate me, I know that's not ok, for 18 years now I tried everything to get my DH to take more responsibility but he's very passive in all areas of life, and it's a miracle I got him to even do 25%.

Ever since my older DS survived junior year, I've been slowly trying to get him to take more responsibility for himself. I'm tired of serving him but I also want him to toughen up before he goes to college, where he will have to wake himself up in the morning, do his own laundry, make his own meals. (He already does daily chores that take up about 15 minutes each day.)

One of the areas I've been stricter is with school lunches. I make school lunches for both kids because I like them to have a good meal on their long days. Older DS kept going out for lunch with his friends, coming home and leaving his packed lunch in his backpack, and by the time he pulled it out at night, it was not re-usable for the next day. I don't mind him going out to lunch with friends, but I kept asking him to put the food in the fridge when he gets home from school, so it can last for the next day. After reminding him several times over two months, I told him I'm tired of making lunches that get thrown away, and if he didn't start putting the food in the fridge I would stop making his lunches. He still didn't do it, so I stopped making his lunches. He seems annoyed by this but not overly put out.

Now DH says I'm making older DS "depressed" because I'm not making his lunches anymore, causing a rift in the family (because I still make younger DS's lunch) and making the kids so upset about this situation that they don't want to hang out with us anymore. This coming from DH who has literally not lifted a parenting finger in his life without me having to force him to step up. I asked him how he knows that DS is depressed, that's a pretty serious assessment, and if he's talked to DS about this, and he says no he hasn't. I said to him if DS has a problem with me, he should bring it up with me, and if DH wants to start that conversation with him to get the ball rolling, he's welcome to. Of course, DH says what would be the point of that, he doesn't want to get involved. And this is a typical pattern, DH only brings up parenting issues when he wants to criticize me for not doing enough or for stressing out the kids with my rules, but he never actually does any parenting of his own except being fun dad. Did I already say I do 75% of the family labor and I work full time? And we have two generally healthy, accomplished and well-adjusted kids as a result of my efforts?

I am FUUUUUMMMMING. Over the years I've managed to suppress most of my anger about the short end of the stick that working mothers get. But when stuff comes up like this I am just ready to punch someone!! Ok, I think I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Also, sorry for the long post. You could just read the first and last paragraphs and skip the rest, that about sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Have him research counselling options for all of you to attend, and say you will be open to more talk about it once he has narrowed options down to 3 or 4.

[Anonymous]

He can make lunches.

[Anonymous]

Talk to older DS and see if he is depressed about the lunch issue. He may not be at all. He might be only because it was a pattern he’s always seen from you and it stopped. Have a talk about (again) why you stopped, you care for and love him but do not have the time and it’s a waste to make lunches that aren’t eaten. I would leave DH out of it entirely.
Good luck. Teaching kids to be self-sufficient is hard and, to me, sometimes feels more time consuming than doing it myself.

[Anonymous]

Depressed over the lunch changes? LOL. My question is: Where is your 17 year old getting the money for lunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can make lunches.

Bingo, yes, I actually suggested that! DH says he's fine to make lunches, but he says it wouldn't solve the issue of DS feeling like I'm punishing him. (Anyway, I don't think DH making lunches for a 17 year old is the solution, which would probably mean he'd drop some of his other duties which would then fall on me.) Plus this almost-adult DS needs to step up, I'm not raising another manchild for a future wife to suffer under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depressed over the lunch changes? LOL. My question is: Where is your 17 year old getting the money for lunch?

Phew, thanks for the validation! He gets pocket-money (from me), he spends every penny of it, and he also dips into savings which were gifts he got from grandparents, etc. Sometimes when he runs low, DH gives him a cash boost, which I think is teaching him to live beyond his means, but I can only vent about so many things in a single thread.

[Anonymous]

Another idea regarding lunches that I used to do for my teens in the summer when they left the house at different times. I pre-assembled all items that went into their lunches. Ham and turkey sandwiches were wrapped individually and placed n a bin in the refrigerator. A selection of fruit or veg was washed and bagged and crackers or chips were portioned into a baggie. Kids were then responsible to grab what they wanted for their lunch. This was a quick process for them because all the items were ready to go. On my end, I pulled together all the lunch items on Sunday evening. This might eliminate your son taking a meal if he truly tends to go out.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you should’ve stopped making lunches for your kids by middle school. You have been way too much babying. Tell your loser husband to shove it. He sounds like dead weight to me.

[Anonymous]

You sound a little cray cray,

[Anonymous]

I stopped making both of my kids lunches when they started high school. They also started doing their own laundry around that time because they wanted to ensure certain clothes were clean on certain days. You are absolutely right not to make his lunch at 17! What is he going to do when he's in college? Your husband is way off base. If DS is bummed about making his lunch, too bad. Time for him to grow and take some responsibility for himself. My kids moaned and groaned for a day or two when I stopped lunch making, but they got it over. It's not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

My kid is younger but I still make her lunch. I’m making my own anyway so it doesn’t cause me any grief to make hers at the same time. So I’m not one of those parents who thinks your kid needs to be making lunch at 7 or they will never succeed in life. I think you need to get him to cut down on buying lunch out. It’s a waste of money and it’s crap food. Maybe compromise with him on twice a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is younger but I still make her lunch. I’m making my own anyway so it doesn’t cause me any grief to make hers at the same time. So I’m not one of those parents who thinks your kid needs to be making lunch at 7 or they will never succeed in life. I think you need to get him to cut down on buying lunch out. It’s a waste of money and it’s crap food. Maybe compromise with him on twice a week?

Well it’s good OP is talking about making lunch for a 17 year old and not a 7 year old then. Needing mommy to pack your lunch when you are 1 year from adulthood is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP a lot of the background is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you work or not or if your husband does anything to support the kids or house as it pertains to the issue at hand. The issue is your child was wasting the packed lunches and when you pointed it out to him and asked him to put it in the fridge (not hard), he did not. It’s fine for you to then say, well we can’t keep packing and wasting lunches, so now your choices are to continue buying or pack a lunch. If he really wanted you to go back to packing his lunches he could simply ask you and promise not to waste. Ignore your husband’s hot take. He is wrong on this.