Venting about DH who says consequences are upsetting teen son

[Anonymous]

PP. And, your kid should be doing his own laundry too.

[Anonymous]

As a dad, I disagree with your DH strongly. Based on what you've shared, I think your approach and response is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons are 13 and 17. I work full time and have been the one doing 75% of the childcare, parenting and household work since the kids were little. Yeah, don't berate me, I know that's not ok, for 18 years now I tried everything to get my DH to take more responsibility but he's very passive in all areas of life, and it's a miracle I got him to even do 25%.

Ever since my older DS survived junior year, I've been slowly trying to get him to take more responsibility for himself. I'm tired of serving him but I also want him to toughen up before he goes to college, where he will have to wake himself up in the morning, do his own laundry, make his own meals. (He already does daily chores that take up about 15 minutes each day.)

One of the areas I've been stricter is with school lunches. I make school lunches for both kids because I like them to have a good meal on their long days. Older DS kept going out for lunch with his friends, coming home and leaving his packed lunch in his backpack, and by the time he pulled it out at night, it was not re-usable for the next day. I don't mind him going out to lunch with friends, but I kept asking him to put the food in the fridge when he gets home from school, so it can last for the next day. After reminding him several times over two months, I told him I'm tired of making lunches that get thrown away, and if he didn't start putting the food in the fridge I would stop making his lunches. He still didn't do it, so I stopped making his lunches. He seems annoyed by this but not overly put out.

Now DH says I'm making older DS "depressed" because I'm not making his lunches anymore, causing a rift in the family (because I still make younger DS's lunch) and making the kids so upset about this situation that they don't want to hang out with us anymore. This coming from DH who has literally not lifted a parenting finger in his life without me having to force him to step up. I asked him how he knows that DS is depressed, that's a pretty serious assessment, and if he's talked to DS about this, and he says no he hasn't. I said to him if DS has a problem with me, he should bring it up with me, and if DH wants to start that conversation with him to get the ball rolling, he's welcome to. Of course, DH says what would be the point of that, he doesn't want to get involved. And this is a typical pattern, DH only brings up parenting issues when he wants to criticize me for not doing enough or for stressing out the kids with my rules, but he never actually does any parenting of his own except being fun dad. Did I already say I do 75% of the family labor and I work full time? And we have two generally healthy, accomplished and well-adjusted kids as a result of my efforts?

I am FUUUUUMMMMING. Over the years I've managed to suppress most of my anger about the short end of the stick that working mothers get. But when stuff comes up like this I am just ready to punch someone!! Ok, I think I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Tell DH he can make lunches. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband is projecting some sort of childhood issue onto you - did his mom play favorites? He needs to get over it or get therapy.

[Anonymous]

This is not the main point at all, but just noting I don't think the food would still be good to return to the fridge after all day at school to re-use the next day. That actually sounds terrible to me and could result in food poisoning, or at least unappetizing food. That might be why he doesn't put it back in the fridge?

[Anonymous]

OP I think you’re nailing this. If your kid wants lunch he can act like it. Your younger kid could care less - they know that as kids get older they get to make more choices and your older kid is making a new and different choice. And your older kid isn’t depressed because you’re not making him a lunch to toss into the trash.

Your husband is ridiculous. I say ignore and stay the course.

[Anonymous]

Stop making it.

I stopped making my oldest kid’s lunch in 7th when he was bringing it home uneaten every day and always complaining but not giving suggestions on what he wanted. He would buy the school lunch instead.

I make my lunch every day and my kids are now in 7th and 10th. I offer to make all of ours and will take any suggestions on the weekend but don’t want to hear complaints after and don’t want the lunches to be thrown out. Otherwise they make their own. My oldest is still making his own. I only make for the youngest and myself now. DH also buys every day at his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can make lunches.

This. End of thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop making it.

I stopped making my oldest kid’s lunch in 7th when he was bringing it home uneaten every day and always complaining but not giving suggestions on what he wanted. He would buy the school lunch instead.

I make my lunch every day and my kids are now in 7th and 10th. I offer to make all of ours and will take any suggestions on the weekend but don’t want to hear complaints after and don’t want the lunches to be thrown out. Otherwise they make their own. My oldest is still making his own. I only make for the youngest and myself now. DH also buys every day at his job.

She already did, that isn't the actual point. It's a long post though so hard to read all the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP a lot of the background is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you work or not or if your husband does anything to support the kids or house as it pertains to the issue at hand. The issue is your child was wasting the packed lunches and when you pointed it out to him and asked him to put it in the fridge (not hard), he did not. It’s fine for you to then say, well we can’t keep packing and wasting lunches, so now your choices are to continue buying or pack a lunch. If he really wanted you to go back to packing his lunches he could simply ask you and promise not to waste. Ignore your husband’s hot take. He is wrong on this.

OP here, yes this is very reasonable. The background is indeed relevant, thanks for the reality check.

DP: I actually see the issue here is one with DH, not the kid. The kid issue was handled perfectly. So the background is relevant because this is really about her DH's attitude and behavior.

[Anonymous]

How is the kid being “punished” if he’s eating out anyway? When I was his age I loved going off campus to have lunch with friends, and often didn’t want my packed lunch. So, no reason to make one and waste food.

Your DH sounds cuckoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sons are 13 and 17. I work full time and have been the one doing 75% of the childcare, parenting and household work since the kids were little. Yeah, don't berate me, I know that's not ok, for 18 years now I tried everything to get my DH to take more responsibility but he's very passive in all areas of life, and it's a miracle I got him to even do 25%.

Ever since my older DS survived junior year, I've been slowly trying to get him to take more responsibility for himself. I'm tired of serving him but I also want him to toughen up before he goes to college, where he will have to wake himself up in the morning, do his own laundry, make his own meals. (He already does daily chores that take up about 15 minutes each day.)

One of the areas I've been stricter is with school lunches. I make school lunches for both kids because I like them to have a good meal on their long days. Older DS kept going out for lunch with his friends, coming home and leaving his packed lunch in his backpack, and by the time he pulled it out at night, it was not re-usable for the next day. I don't mind him going out to lunch with friends, but I kept asking him to put the food in the fridge when he gets home from school, so it can last for the next day. After reminding him several times over two months, I told him I'm tired of making lunches that get thrown away, and if he didn't start putting the food in the fridge I would stop making his lunches. He still didn't do it, so I stopped making his lunches. He seems annoyed by this but not overly put out.

Now DH says I'm making older DS "depressed" because I'm not making his lunches anymore, causing a rift in the family (because I still make younger DS's lunch) and making the kids so upset about this situation that they don't want to hang out with us anymore. This coming from DH who has literally not lifted a parenting finger in his life without me having to force him to step up. I asked him how he knows that DS is depressed, that's a pretty serious assessment, and if he's talked to DS about this, and he says no he hasn't. I said to him if DS has a problem with me, he should bring it up with me, and if DH wants to start that conversation with him to get the ball rolling, he's welcome to. Of course, DH says what would be the point of that, he doesn't want to get involved. And this is a typical pattern, DH only brings up parenting issues when he wants to criticize me for not doing enough or for stressing out the kids with my rules, but he never actually does any parenting of his own except being fun dad. Did I already say I do 75% of the family labor and I work full time? And we have two generally healthy, accomplished and well-adjusted kids as a result of my efforts?

I am FUUUUUMMMMING. Over the years I've managed to suppress most of my anger about the short end of the stick that working mothers get. But when stuff comes up like this I am just ready to punch someone!! Ok, I think I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Tell DH he can make lunches. Problem solved.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would laugh in my husband’s face if he said this to me. And then roll my eyes and tell him he was welcome to make the lunch himself. Which my husband would then likely do if the kid asked him to do so — because he is more of a pushover. That said, he isn’t foolish enough to make lunch for a kid that HASNT EVEN ASKED FOR IT.

But I would be able to laugh because my husband and I are generally good partners. In your scenario, it would be tough for me not to lose it in anger. And it isn’t actually about the lunch.

[Anonymous]

Put money on his school account and let him buy school lunch on the days he doesn’t go out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put money on his school account and let him buy school lunch on the days he doesn’t go out to lunch.

That's a good idea!