Why people don't get along with their in-laws?

[Anonymous]

I get along with my ILs but they are very different from my family. They are nice people and have treated me kindly but we don't have a lot in common. Early in our marriage I was more naggy with DH about having to visit and call his parents and siblings. But I stopped a few years ago. I just don't really enjoy it that much so why was I pushing so hard? DH can take the lead and when he wants to call and visit we do.

[Anonymous]

Like many families, with some we have great an enduring relationships, with others, we are polite.

The ones we're polite with tends to talk nonstop, talk over others, have have no interests outside of their own day-to-day lives, and can't envision or tolerate any other way of living beyond their own. Throw some anxiety and competitiveness, and you've got a good formula for minimal, polite contact.

[Anonymous]

PP: and I'm describing both my family and my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

They also do not get along with their siblings, parents, children, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouse, neighbors, coworkers, friends, Taylor Swift, Meghan Markle.

Maybe. I know couples where the where the woman has many friends, from over her entire lifetime, but the DH has few. Turns out, the DH's family only has few if any "real" or lifetime friends. They do have prearranged "groups" they belong to, so I guess if that is how you identify a friend?

There are fundamental differences, OP. Some people are closed and cold, expect you to adhere to their ways, and are looking to take offense - and some people are warm and open to those who are different.

Which group would you rather be involved with more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

My DH had pretty much zero in common with my parents, but because they made me, he was all in for them. Have always appreciated his gratitude and generosity with them.

Cool story. So you sit back while he buys your parents presence and does all of the thank you cards and holiday cards and birthday cards to them??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

This attitude is why lots don't get along with their in-laws. People treat their in-laws like in-laws instead of like their own family. Good luck to you "Despite their son and I having a lot in common..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get along with my ILs but they are very different from my family. They are nice people and have treated me kindly but we don't have a lot in common. Early in our marriage I was more naggy with DH about having to visit and call his parents and siblings. But I stopped a few years ago. I just don't really enjoy it that much so why was I pushing so hard? DH can take the lead and when he wants to call and visit we do.

Again-- treating the in-laws like in-laws instead of like family is NOT the way to have a loving relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

This attitude is why lots don't get along with their in-laws. People treat their in-laws like in-laws instead of like their own family. Good luck to you "Despite their son and I having a lot in common..."

DP here. I kind of see PP's point though - after years of taking on the extra responsibilities, you would likely get sick and tired of it, because it either becomes expected, or unacknowledged. I don't need a red carpet, but I feel like if I put the effort in, well, what's the use?

The clincher was when we would ask the siblings to go in on a big gift, and there would be radio silence. SIL would buy MIL what SIL wanted, which was fine, because MIL babysat weekly for SIL. But to feel like no one wants to participate, unless they wanted something (much bigger than a present, in this case) from you, it kind of sucked for DH. DH felt it much more than I did. When DH wanted to pull back, I fully supported him, but then they became angry. You can't win with some people, especially spoiled people.

[Anonymous]

They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

This attitude is why lots don't get along with their in-laws. People treat their in-laws like in-laws instead of like their own family. Good luck to you "Despite their son and I having a lot in common..."

DP here. I kind of see PP's point though - after years of taking on the extra responsibilities, you would likely get sick and tired of it, because it either becomes expected, or unacknowledged. I don't need a red carpet, but I feel like if I put the effort in, well, what's the use?

The clincher was when we would ask the siblings to go in on a big gift, and there would be radio silence. SIL would buy MIL what SIL wanted, which was fine, because MIL babysat weekly for SIL. But to feel like no one wants to participate, unless they wanted something (much bigger than a present, in this case) from you, it kind of sucked for DH. DH felt it much more than I did. When DH wanted to pull back, I fully supported him, but then they became angry. You can't win with some people, especially spoiled people.

to add: I think it is the closed, clannish, secretive BS that DH became tired of. There is more to the family than just SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

DP here. I find that sad, because I have been part of families that treat significant others as family - everyone is included, not just those who want to be only children (or MIL/FIL favorites).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

DP here. I find that sad, because I have been part of families that treat significant others as family - everyone is included, not just those who want to be only children (or MIL/FIL favorites).

Do you also find it sad that my DH is kind to my family but isn't in charge of my relationship with them?

[Anonymous]

Times have changed. Women aren't all sitting home smoking all day planning social events and in law visits. We have jobs and busy lives. Husbands can step it up if they want but many don't so here we are.

[Anonymous]

Don't have much in common with them. There's always underlying drama from things in the past. Whether it's the fact that you had a small wedding you could afford, they don't like how you're raising kids, they don't think you visit enough, on and on. It adds up over the years.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is pretty open about the fact that she doesn’t like me and would prefer for DH to leave me and take the kids to live with her. I try to be civil, but she’s not interested in a relationship with me. She says pretty horrible things about me and my family to other people (like a mom friend of mine at my kids bday party) and then complains to DH that she feels like we don’t want to invite her to things.