Why people don't get along with their in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

Perfect example of why ILs don't get along.

DP. Your internalized misogyny is showing. It's not enough for the PP to be friendly and kind, you demand more. Yet, you don't demand this from men in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Our issues were truly because my husband never stepped up to manage his parents (pushy mother and step father) when we were married, and I did it all for many many years. I mean, all hosting, great meals, butt kissing. Whenever they wanted to come I rolled out the red carpet and they came A LOT.

After our third baby, I told him I can’t do it anymore with them and he has to take over the communication and hosting, and that set off a nuclear bomb the likes of which I never expected was hiding under the surface of my MIL all those years.

Turns out, she only likes me and wants to have a relationship with me if I’m kissing her butt and she’s controlling me. Otherwise, I’m worse than dirt.

It was pretty shocking and is still creating ripples in our 16 year marriage.

[Anonymous]

If parents in law treat new additions with open arms and minds, there is a good chance to build a relationship.

If there is a difference in race, religion or class, even more need to accept and embrace.

[Anonymous]

I have difficulty getting over how much financial support we provide them, which DH has given over the years without asking for my approval. It has caused problems in our marriage and led to resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have difficulty getting over how much financial support we provide them, which DH has given over the years without asking for my approval. It has caused problems in our marriage and led to resentment.

In that case, your problem is with your DH, not them. I get that its tough to break the cycle of enmeshment but as an adult he has the power to establish emotional, financial and logistical boundaries to be fair to himself, his wife, his kids and his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

Perfect example of why ILs don't get along.

DP. Your internalized misogyny is showing. It's not enough for the PP to be friendly and kind, you demand more. Yet, you don't demand this from men in relationships.

You say the same thing across multiple boards. Enough already. You’d be nicer and more involved with strangers than your I laws. YOU are in face a problem and perfect example of failed IL relationships. You are likely my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

That was their son’s fault for bringing home a bunch of floosies before you.

DP. It doesn't matter how many women the DS brought home before the PP.

Doesn't it though? Ils are human too. Their past experiences come into play in the relationship as well as yours.
I made a huge effort my my son's girlfriend and she was difficult in return. They broke up. I won't put forth such a huge effort on the next one until he and she shows they are solid.

Sounds like you only know how to 'make a huge effort' or not making any effort. Or is being warm and friendly a huge effort for you? I'm as nice to my kids' friends as I am to their boy/girlfriends.

You are exhausting and missed the point. Thanks for chiming in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s another group that has expectations/demands. As a working parent, you have to fulfill many people’s expectations/demands… from your kids, from work, from your own family, & from your in-laws. It is a lot.

I can deal with the demands & expectations from my own parents (as annoying as they can be right now), because I remember all of the things they did for me when I was growing up. So that makes it easier for me to do things for them, to visit when they want or take them to see great aunt Mary or whatever. Because they did all of that & more for me.

But I don’t have that store of good feelings with my in-laws, so their demands are just …demands. They didn’t pay into the pot, so to speak, so I don’t really feel a sense of obligation to them. I know my partner might, and so if he wants to visit and do stuff, I do too. But if they are not people I would enjoy talking to at a party, and I don’t have that feeling of obligation towards them that I have towards my own parents, and DH does not put in the effort to plan visits with them…then the relationship is not great.

My relationship is decent with the in-laws because DH does the “work” - he plans stuff with them, will take the kids to visit with me & also without me, buys them gifts. When we host, I am on duty for a lot of it like the cooking, but DH “handles” them. So we can have a nice relationship. I think when that is not the case, it makes it hard for the spouse to like the in-laws - it’s all demands & obligations, without that built- up feeling of love underneath it.

Dayyuuuumm what kind of crappy demand filled life are you living??? What “demands” are your in laws making?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

Wow you are a sad, cold person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

Perfect example of why ILs don't get along.

DP. Your internalized misogyny is showing. It's not enough for the PP to be friendly and kind, you demand more. Yet, you don't demand this from men in relationships.

You say the same thing across multiple boards. Enough already. You’d be nicer and more involved with strangers than your I laws. YOU are in face a problem and perfect example of failed IL relationships. You are likely my SIL.

DP. Doesn't mean it's not true. 🤭

I also just might be your SIL. Strangers tend to be more positive and polite than my ILs so I am more willing to engage with strangers. You and your mother thought I'd accept your bad behavior like my DH did for so many years. Not gonna happen. Boundaries are my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s another group that has expectations/demands. As a working parent, you have to fulfill many people’s expectations/demands… from your kids, from work, from your own family, & from your in-laws. It is a lot.

I can deal with the demands & expectations from my own parents (as annoying as they can be right now), because I remember all of the things they did for me when I was growing up. So that makes it easier for me to do things for them, to visit when they want or take them to see great aunt Mary or whatever. Because they did all of that & more for me.

But I don’t have that store of good feelings with my in-laws, so their demands are just …demands. They didn’t pay into the pot, so to speak, so I don’t really feel a sense of obligation to them. I know my partner might, and so if he wants to visit and do stuff, I do too. But if they are not people I would enjoy talking to at a party, and I don’t have that feeling of obligation towards them that I have towards my own parents, and DH does not put in the effort to plan visits with them…then the relationship is not great.

My relationship is decent with the in-laws because DH does the “work” - he plans stuff with them, will take the kids to visit with me & also without me, buys them gifts. When we host, I am on duty for a lot of it like the cooking, but DH “handles” them. So we can have a nice relationship. I think when that is not the case, it makes it hard for the spouse to like the in-laws - it’s all demands & obligations, without that built- up feeling of love underneath it.

Dayyuuuumm what kind of crappy demand filled life are you living??? What “demands” are your in laws making?

Tell me you have limited life experience and no imagination without telling me you have limited life experience and no imagination.

How nice for you to have a cushy life and lovely ILs.

[Anonymous]

I got along fine with MIL. We had plenty of differences of opinions, but were both respectful and treated each other with kindness. Unfortunately she has passed away.
I do NOT get along with FIL, but neither does DH, so it's not really an issue. FIL has serious mental health issues and was borderline abusive, and DH only deals with him for the necessities. We put up with him together and then go commiserate together. God rest MIL's soul for what she put up with.

DH loves my parents. They call him the son they never had (I only have sisters). He calls my dad the father he wished he'd had.

So why don't people on this board get along with in-laws? Partly because people love to complain more than they talk about what's good. And partly because this board attracts Type A know-it-alls who can't stand anyone else having a say ... but unfortunately married someone whose parents are similar.
(I'm sure there's a whole psychology experiment on why the spouses married someone so similar in temperament to their parents ... but that's a question for another day)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I have difficulty getting over how much financial support we provide them, which DH has given over the years without asking for my approval. It has caused problems in our marriage and led to resentment.

In that case, your problem is with your DH, not them. I get that its tough to break the cycle of enmeshment but as an adult he has the power to establish emotional, financial and logistical boundaries to be fair to himself, his wife, his kids and his parents.

My problem is with him and them. They take advantage without regard to how it affects me or our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even get along with DH, let alone his family.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Not getting along with in laws has been around forever. To be perfectly honest, it’s a low class white people thing. People in most other cultures do not have these problems. Some people can’t suspend their ego and are easily threatened and this becomes problematic.
Low class does not have to do with how much money you have but rather is how you’ve evolved as a human.