Why people don't get along with their in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t really show any interest in our lives, but then want us to show up on command when they want to act “family-oriented” in front of their friends.

My ILs dont really care about me but come from a culture touted as "super friendly" and place an emphasis on "family". I'd love to have a better relationship with them but I am definitely always made to feel like I am "just the wife" not family. My DH has no problem with this and expects me to constantly be jazzed to do family events together which is a struggle for me to pretend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

That was their son’s fault for bringing home a bunch of floosies before you.

DP. It doesn't matter how many women the DS brought home before the PP.

Doesn't it though? Ils are human too. Their past experiences come into play in the relationship as well as yours.
I made a huge effort my my son's girlfriend and she was difficult in return. They broke up. I won't put forth such a huge effort on the next one until he and she shows they are solid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

DP here. I find that sad, because I have been part of families that treat significant others as family - everyone is included, not just those who want to be only children (or MIL/FIL favorites).

DP. I don't want to be treated as 'family' by my ILs. They are emotionally manipulative, have internalized misogyny, are judgmental and don't recogize what great people their kids are. If they were members of my family of origin, I would call them out and be very explicit about behaviors that I had issues with. I have, however, deferrred to DH's wishes not to do that. I keep them at arms length.

Is that 'sad'? Sure. True 'family' is supportive and healthy. When we're adults, we get to choose who our families are.

Same krap here.

Yeah they sure (mis)treat me like family.

Come into our house and use and eat everything they want. Came for my first maternity leave and ate ALL the gifts that came from my friend or family or employer.
Then continued to say out loud: our house is your house. Your house is our house. We’re family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

This attitude is why lots don't get along with their in-laws. People treat their in-laws like in-laws instead of like their own family. Good luck to you "Despite their son and I having a lot in common..."

Most people treat their own family like crap.

Why?

Because they can’t go anywhere.

This.

Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

I realized their expectations for me are not requirements. I tried, I really did. I’d ask about what DH was like as a child and MIL would say “oh gosh that was a long time ago” and walk off. DH is the middle child of a large family so I get it, but his parents never call him or their grandkids so it isn’t that we have a bad relationship there just isn’t a relationship there. They are retired and spend their time on cruises, local community service, and worth the grandkids who live close to them. They do why they want with their time and given the absence of any effort on their part, I’ve stopped trying as well. Here we are.

[Anonymous]

Mine is a middle and falls all over themselves to be at the ILs beck and call. It doesn't matter to spouse that their family treats our family poorly. That's where my problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My observation from this board is because they don’t want to. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and would never handle them the way this board always advises, which is to have DH communicate with them and not try hard to assimilate into their family.
That said, I don’t like my SIL. I would never be friends with her if I met her independently. But we’re family and I’m going to see her at holidays for my whole life, so I make a point to make small talk, catch up a bit and be pleasant but that’s about it.

I have never been forgiven for the sin of being the wrong ethnicity. There are specific words in my husbands native language for foreigners/barbarians etc. His family calls me and my children these words. But you’re right. Perhaps it’s my fault and I should just try harder to be a different ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

To the PP, how do you deal with his family when they treat you and the kids that way? What are your expectations of him when they do that? Does it affect your marriage?

[Anonymous]

I got along with mine for 10 years without issue. Many fun get togethers. Slowly though they started having a lot of personal problems and wouldn't get together with our family. Then the dad died and my ex I guess decided to have his own personal problems to fit in and had a slew of affairs. It was all a facade, and I realized they were overly kind before to mask their dysfunction. I've also dated men where the mother was overly protective or enmeshed. I don't know which is worse. Neglecting, Enmeshed, or overprotective. They all seem to have their downsides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

My DH had pretty much zero in common with my parents, but because they made me, he was all in for them. Have always appreciated his gratitude and generosity with them.

Cool story. So you sit back while he buys your parents presence and does all of the thank you cards and holiday cards and birthday cards to them??

Presents.

No, we pretty much each do our own there though if one of us has a good gift idea for the IL in question, then we will suggest, sometimes do the leg work for the gift.

I was responding more to the first part of your post, which read, at least to me, a little harsh. I'm not sure DH would have even said he had little in common with my parents - he just doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got along with mine for 10 years without issue. Many fun get togethers. Slowly though they started having a lot of personal problems and wouldn't get together with our family. Then the dad died and my ex I guess decided to have his own personal problems to fit in and had a slew of affairs. It was all a facade, and I realized they were overly kind before to mask their dysfunction. I've also dated men where the mother was overly protective or enmeshed. I don't know which is worse. Neglecting, Enmeshed, or overprotective. They all seem to have their downsides.

Forgot to add I even found email messages between my ex and his family discussing the affairs while they also tried to act like they were so happy for our family each holiday. So to me, being kind to someone and getting along means nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't live near them so only see them at most once or twice a year so that limits forming relationships. I also have nothing in common with my in-laws other than my husband. My MIL is the only one who has really welcomed. Everyone else has never taken any initiative to get to know me or welcome me into their family so I tolerate them when I have to but don't go out of my way to talk to them or spend time with them.

FWIW my husband doesn't even talk to his sister to not surprising that I don't have a relationship with her.

While we are pretty close to ILs, I will say that part of the struggle I have had with SiL is that she really knows nothing about me. I could probably type a page, at a minimum, about her life, starting with birth. She would be hard pressed to name my parents, my siblings, their marital status, how I spent my childhood, what I studied in college, where I've worked, etc. DH and I met in grad school, so she could name that, but not where I've worked, what I've done since grad school.

And how do I know about her life? I ask questions and listen, nothing more than that.

But she is important to DH so I continue to make an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My observation from this board is because they don’t want to. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and would never handle them the way this board always advises, which is to have DH communicate with them and not try hard to assimilate into their family.
That said, I don’t like my SIL. I would never be friends with her if I met her independently. But we’re family and I’m going to see her at holidays for my whole life, so I make a point to make small talk, catch up a bit and be pleasant but that’s about it.

I have never been forgiven for the sin of being the wrong ethnicity. There are specific words in my husbands native language for foreigners/barbarians etc. His family calls me and my children these words. But you’re right. Perhaps it’s my fault and I should just try harder to be a different ethnicity.

You replied to me and I'm sorry they're so cruel to you. But why marry him? I had only a couple really serious boyfriends before DH and I was looking closely at their families when deciding on the relationship. I'm not sure I could go through with marriage to a guy whose family felt that way about me. Now you have to deal with it your whole life, especially since it seems he's chosen not to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I tolerate my know it all brother in law. He always has to one up DH and is NEVER wrong. It's exhausting and DH hates him I like SIL and see her 1x per year when they come visit from West coast. In laws fight non stop now. It is just MIL yelling at FIL that he's lazy, deaf, can't do anything right. It just miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

That was their son’s fault for bringing home a bunch of floosies before you.

DP. It doesn't matter how many women the DS brought home before the PP.

Doesn't it though? Ils are human too. Their past experiences come into play in the relationship as well as yours.
I made a huge effort my my son's girlfriend and she was difficult in return. They broke up. I won't put forth such a huge effort on the next one until he and she shows they are solid.

Sounds like you only know how to 'make a huge effort' or not making any effort. Or is being warm and friendly a huge effort for you? I'm as nice to my kids' friends as I am to their boy/girlfriends.