Why is there fear of being direct?

[Anonymous]

I am amazed at how many people here are concerned with being kind to someone who is being mean to them. Why? Once you're mean to me you don't deserve my kindness. And the people who consider being direct to be "too harsh" drive me nuts too.

I was just chatting with someone who I know casually and she said she likes me because I will always tell her the truth, which evolved into a conversation about being direct vs. nice and whether those have to be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all about conflict avoidance. Lots of people would rather be uncomfortable or afraid than to confront someone directly. I'd say it has a lot to do with how conflict was handled in their childhood and also in their intrinsic personality.

I am 100% conflict avoidant. I prefer peace and biting my tongue. "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" is a mantra in my brain BUT I don't think I have the moral high ground. I think the superior people can balance both.

People who are too direct exhaust me. Its like they love conflict and are not happy unless they are making someone upset while acting as if their behavior is perfectly normal. They absolutely do tell you when they hate your hair, complain to their kids teachers every week, get in disagreements with their friends, family and coworkers like it gives them life. I agree it's intrinsic and just see them as the other side of the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree, OP. But see a lot of responses on this thread as to why a lot of people are afraid to be direct. And particularly for women, it's a non-starter, you WILL be judged in all the ways if you're very directly, even incredibly courteously.

[Anonymous]

There are ways to be direct without being rude and I think that line is something a lot of people struggle with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's possible to be direct without being tactless.

+1. It’s all in the delivery. It’s an art.

I'm pretty direct, but not rude. DCUM is actually so weird for me because people seem to be CONSTANTLY wondering about these little micro interactions and how to handle them, like there is one perfect chord they need to strike. I have not, to date, experienced any of these horrible social repercussions people seem to fear so deeply when I've just kind of come out with it. The pitbull example, I'd just be like, "sorry, not comfortable with the dog, maybe a restaurant is better for everyone?" I wouldn't waste much time thinking about it. If they're offended, whatever, but as we saw in that saga, many felt the same way. So...win for all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's possible to be direct without being tactless.

+1. It’s all in the delivery. It’s an art.

I'm pretty direct, but not rude. DCUM is actually so weird for me because people seem to be CONSTANTLY wondering about these little micro interactions and how to handle them, like there is one perfect chord they need to strike. I have not, to date, experienced any of these horrible social repercussions people seem to fear so deeply when I've just kind of come out with it. The pitbull example, I'd just be like, "sorry, not comfortable with the dog, maybe a restaurant is better for everyone?" I wouldn't waste much time thinking about it. If they're offended, whatever, but as we saw in that saga, many felt the same way. So...win for all?

Posted this and probably should have said...I'm not a person to be like, "wow, your hair looks like shit!" or any other kind of "direct" thing and I wouldn't identify myself as "direct" as a way to excuse poor behaviour. I'm an uptight WASP at heart who is always polite! I guess I would say I don't have a problem setting firm boundaries and when I do so, I do not despair about it in the slightest. And if my friend has highlights that looks like a skunk? We're friends, of course I'll make suggestions but also make it out to not be the biggest thing in the world. This kind of directness if usually appreciated with close friends and I appreciate it from my friends in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're an idiot.

I'd bet OP is Dutch. They pride themselves on "directness" which means letting anything spew out of their mouths because it's "honest."

This can mean anything from telling someone they are fat to talking openly about their bodily functions to being "direct" and asking for reimbursement TO THE PENNY.

I was today years old when I learned I was Dutch. People receive it well though- no one has complained and most thank me unless they just agree and do what they want anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in all situations but there are certain situations where being direct is warranted.

For example, the poster with a friend who has a pit bull from hell who is hosting a party— why wouldn’t you be honest and tell the friend you are uncomfortable around her dog?

Generally speaking, if one is focused on the truth and their actions are led by that, being direct is the way to go! We could all benefit from more directness in our lives. I know I respond much better to straight shooters than those who *think* they are somehow being kind, conscientious, or sensitive in situations that don’t call for that. Or, as I’ve started to wonder more recently, are they afraid? And if so, why?

So long as someone has the courage to say it directly to me, and the intent is not harm, I much prefer direct talk.

A related question is how people can be so delusional about animals. The same person who would freak about his knife not being perfectly clean in a restaurant has no trouble walking all over town carrying a bag of dog crap. Or the ones who make you take your shoes off in their house but everything is covered in pet fur. It’s like their minds turn to mush as soon as a non-human creature is involved.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised no one has mentioned that women are often socialized to be nice, go along to get along, etc. It’s not considered socially acceptable in many groups of women for a woman to speak up and say something that another member of the group wouldn’t want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1

Agree with OP. So many threads on here about mean girls and people wanting to know how to handle nasty people. The easiest way and most efficient is to be direct and confront them over their behavior.

What I learned working decades in a male dominated environment there were always a few guys upset by it but most guys were fine. We aren’t talking about personal things.

When I stayed home with my kids it was a nightmare to navigate how to deal. I never tried to crush someone’s spirits or criticize them it was always about someone being inappropriate or rude with me. I remember a neighbor who was nasty and superior to everyone. She would twist anything you said to her as something horrible about you. I stood up to her by correcting her and mentioned what she did to me was manipulative. She cried and her friends called me the mean girl even though 2 of them warned me about the manipulative games she played. This is just one example.

[Anonymous]

Being direct often means being racist and insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at how many people here are concerned with being kind to someone who is being mean to them. Why? Once you're mean to me you don't deserve my kindness. And the people who consider being direct to be "too harsh" drive me nuts too.

I was just chatting with someone who I know casually and she said she likes me because I will always tell her the truth, which evolved into a conversation about being direct vs. nice and whether those have to be different.

+ 100

[Anonymous]

Great timing. I am generally not 'direct' as my first play and instead do some sort of very clear hint + humor + kind smile. ie:

Direct:
"Jim, please stop stop blocking my driveway even a little bit, with your car. The law in DC is to leave a minimum 5 ft of clearance. You have plenty of room to pull up in front of your own home, so in the future, please do that."

Oblique:
"Jim, I've been having trouble navigating backing out of my driveway and I'm afraid I'm going to nick your bumper when it's close to my driveway."

IN MY experience, I get the result I want 97% of the time. Jim is more careful parking his car and I have plenty of clearance to back out.

To answer OP, the reason I don't use option #1 as my first play ..... when I'm direct like that, Jim will be very cool to me for a long time. Jim is my next door neighbor of 10 years and we watch each others' cats in a pinch. Sometimes I need to borrow a tool from Jim and I want to preserve that option rather than buy a $200 circular saw that I use once. I feel uncomfortable when Jim pulls up and pretends he doesn't see him and hurries into his house without saying "hi."

THAT is why I don't go for the 'direct' option first. To avoid discomfort for the next __ years, if possible. But if Jim fails to take the self effacing hint and I can't back out, eventually I'll move onto 'direct' if it's important.

[Anonymous]

I’m
Guessing OP has never worked for or had anyone with NPD in their family.

Op is fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great timing. I am generally not 'direct' as my first play and instead do some sort of very clear hint + humor + kind smile. ie:

Direct:
"Jim, please stop stop blocking my driveway even a little bit, with your car. The law in DC is to leave a minimum 5 ft of clearance. You have plenty of room to pull up in front of your own home, so in the future, please do that."

Oblique:
"Jim, I've been having trouble navigating backing out of my driveway and I'm afraid I'm going to nick your bumper when it's close to my driveway."

IN MY experience, I get the result I want 97% of the time. Jim is more careful parking his car and I have plenty of clearance to back out.

To answer OP, the reason I don't use option #1 as my first play ..... when I'm direct like that, Jim will be very cool to me for a long time. Jim is my next door neighbor of 10 years and we watch each others' cats in a pinch. Sometimes I need to borrow a tool from Jim and I want to preserve that option rather than buy a $200 circular saw that I use once. I feel uncomfortable when Jim pulls up and pretends he doesn't see him and hurries into his house without saying "hi."

THAT is why I don't go for the 'direct' option first. To avoid discomfort for the next __ years, if possible. But if Jim fails to take the self effacing hint and I can't back out, eventually I'll move onto 'direct' if it's important.

My guess is you’re an attractive woman and that is a big part of why you get the results you want, not because you’ve discovered some magical communication hack.