Why is there fear of being direct?

[Anonymous]

I was very direct with my MIL and SIL about boundaries and unrealistic expectations. It generally didn’t go well. They felt insulted, unloved, etc and think because they are family and we have money that we should host them for as long as they want whenever they want. They also think we should take them on vacation every year because it means so much to them. Our relationship is cordial but they act coldly now because they are insulted by my directness. That is always the risk with being direct. No one likes to get called out on their behavior.

[Anonymous]

I agree w/you 💯%….. in theory.

However being direct also can change a situation’s dynamics in many different ways & many people do not like awkwardness which can usually result because of this.

So they think it is just easier to beat around the proverbial bush per say + hope that by some miracle, a magic lightbulb will magically appear in the other person’s head and that the situation will resolve itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was very direct with my MIL and SIL about boundaries and unrealistic expectations. It generally didn’t go well. They felt insulted, unloved, etc and think because they are family and we have money that we should host them for as long as they want whenever they want. They also think we should take them on vacation every year because it means so much to them. Our relationship is cordial but they act coldly now because they are insulted by my directness. That is always the risk with being direct. No one likes to get called out on their behavior.

+1

Especially if they have their hand out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being direct often means being racist and insensitive.

If that’s your truth, then you need help. This is not my truth so when I am direct (does not mean without tact or sensitivity) I don’t spread hate or poison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great timing. I am generally not 'direct' as my first play and instead do some sort of very clear hint + humor + kind smile. ie:

Direct:
"Jim, please stop stop blocking my driveway even a little bit, with your car. The law in DC is to leave a minimum 5 ft of clearance. You have plenty of room to pull up in front of your own home, so in the future, please do that."

Oblique:
"Jim, I've been having trouble navigating backing out of my driveway and I'm afraid I'm going to nick your bumper when it's close to my driveway."

IN MY experience, I get the result I want 97% of the time. Jim is more careful parking his car and I have plenty of clearance to back out.

To answer OP, the reason I don't use option #1 as my first play ..... when I'm direct like that, Jim will be very cool to me for a long time. Jim is my next door neighbor of 10 years and we watch each others' cats in a pinch. Sometimes I need to borrow a tool from Jim and I want to preserve that option rather than buy a $200 circular saw that I use once. I feel uncomfortable when Jim pulls up and pretends he doesn't see him and hurries into his house without saying "hi."

THAT is why I don't go for the 'direct' option first. To avoid discomfort for the next __ years, if possible. But if Jim fails to take the self effacing hint and I can't back out, eventually I'll move onto 'direct' if it's important.

I actually consider your "Oblique" option as pretty direct. The first option sounds like you’ve started litigation 🥹

[Anonymous]

DP The issue I have with people not being direct (to use the OP's word), is when they don't speak up with their true opinions, even over simple things. Example: trying to plan dinner with another couple and they say "that restaurant is fine," and later you overhear them complaining to each other how much they hate that place. Just give an honest answer when asked!

Or in the workplace if a manager isn't happy with someone's work, but they don't tell the person there's an issue. How can the person improve if they don't know?

I guess these are examples of people avoiding conflict, but things might work out better for everyone if the people were "direct."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great timing. I am generally not 'direct' as my first play and instead do some sort of very clear hint + humor + kind smile. ie:

Direct:
"Jim, please stop stop blocking my driveway even a little bit, with your car. The law in DC is to leave a minimum 5 ft of clearance. You have plenty of room to pull up in front of your own home, so in the future, please do that."

Oblique:
"Jim, I've been having trouble navigating backing out of my driveway and I'm afraid I'm going to nick your bumper when it's close to my driveway."

IN MY experience, I get the result I want 97% of the time. Jim is more careful parking his car and I have plenty of clearance to back out.

To answer OP, the reason I don't use option #1 as my first play ..... when I'm direct like that, Jim will be very cool to me for a long time. Jim is my next door neighbor of 10 years and we watch each others' cats in a pinch. Sometimes I need to borrow a tool from Jim and I want to preserve that option rather than buy a $200 circular saw that I use once. I feel uncomfortable when Jim pulls up and pretends he doesn't see him and hurries into his house without saying "hi."

THAT is why I don't go for the 'direct' option first. To avoid discomfort for the next __ years, if possible. But if Jim fails to take the self effacing hint and I can't back out, eventually I'll move onto 'direct' if it's important.

I actually consider your "Oblique" option as pretty direct. The first option sounds like you’ve started litigation 🥹

Right?

I'm curious about what the person with the grabby in-laws is being asked for and what they're saying in response. There are a lot of direct but not hostile ways to turn down requests. Focus on what you're going to do or not do, not the merits of the proposal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear is kind. It is entirely possible to be clear but not abrasive or rude.

I agree. People who avoid being honest to save face can’t be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being direct often means being racist and insensitive.

You need to get out of your own head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree w/you 💯%….. in theory.

However being direct also can change a situation’s dynamics in many different ways & many people do not like awkwardness which can usually result because of this.

So they think it is just easier to beat around the proverbial bush per say + hope that by some miracle, a magic lightbulb will magically appear in the other person’s head and that the situation will resolve itself.

This is very true.
Most especially for individuals who dread confrontation (me!)
lol

[Anonymous]

Most times when I'm direct and / or speak up, I get blowback-denials. I'm tired of fighting. So I say nothing and move on from that person- reducing interactions.

[Anonymous]

If someone suspects or says you are racist, there is nothing worse in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone suspects or says you are racist, there is nothing worse in America.

+1

You will lose every single friend and your whole family will be ostracized. You could lose your job. Even your career, if you can’t get any references.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's possible to be direct without being tactless.

+1. It’s all in the delivery. It’s an art.

Right, you say something like “I don’t mean this in a BAD way, but you’re a complete, 100%, grade-A a-hole.”

[Anonymous]

I notice that here too. I don't have this issue. I'm amazed at the people who are terrified to stand up for themselves or their kids or be honest. Like the poster whose 6th grader only wanted to invite one kid over but the kid is a twin. The amount of stress she had about something I wouldn't give a second thought to! Or inviting a vegetarian to a restaurant that also serves meat. It seems insane to me.