Introduced me as his friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I’m overacting. To me saying friend sounds like FWB or until you meet the next chick. It’s better to just say the persons name and show affection. Friend is also disingenuous because we are not friends.

Just stop. You are in your 40s.
Does he treat you well?
Do you enjoy spending time with him?
Is he a decent guy who is emotionally stable?
Do you feel like you can be your authentic self, meaning you’re not hiding who you are or pretending to be someone else for him?

If yes to all of these questions, then drop the fixation on the 4 seconds he spent introducing you.

[Anonymous]

Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

I’d draw it out on paper. Make a horizontal line. Write “married” at the right end. Write “strangers” at the other end. Start filling it in. You could use sticky notes to move them. Maybe seeing it visually would help him better understand where you’re coming from and to see that the term girlfriend/boyfriend is not the same as engaged. For me “living together” would be closer to “engaged” than “boyfriend/girlfriend.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

I’d draw it out on paper. Make a horizontal line. Write “married” at the right end. Write “strangers” at the other end. Start filling it in. You could use sticky notes to move them. Maybe seeing it visually would help him better understand where you’re coming from and to see that the term girlfriend/boyfriend is not the same as engaged. For me “living together” would be closer to “engaged” than “boyfriend/girlfriend.”

Thanks, this is an interesting suggestion. For him gf/bf indicates a promise to be on the path of life partnership (living together etc). I would ultimately like a life partner but I do not know him well enough to say I want that with him. But I’m not closed off to having it with him either. I’m determining what I’d like, but in the meantime I enjoy his company and don’t wish to explore other options. I also enjoy being social with him. So in my mind that makes him my boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

You buried the lede!

Ok so he is a commitmentphobe. Is he divorced? What trauma did he go through? I’m with you that girlfriend is not a big title and friend is unnecessarily ambiguous, and a less PTSD-ed man would just call you whatever you wanted to be called and be done with it. The fact that he is thinking about this a lot is a sign he’s not a sociopath, who would make the commitment but then behave however he liked. If you love him, give him A LOT of space so he feels comfortable about you and like he’s not being forced or tricked into being your boyfriend. In the meantime, hopefully he will work on himself or his PTSD DEFCON level will come down naturally over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

I’d draw it out on paper. Make a horizontal line. Write “married” at the right end. Write “strangers” at the other end. Start filling it in. You could use sticky notes to move them. Maybe seeing it visually would help him better understand where you’re coming from and to see that the term girlfriend/boyfriend is not the same as engaged. For me “living together” would be closer to “engaged” than “boyfriend/girlfriend.”

Please don’t do this sticky note thing or you will become known as the “the ex with the sticky notes” in his friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

I’d draw it out on paper. Make a horizontal line. Write “married” at the right end. Write “strangers” at the other end. Start filling it in. You could use sticky notes to move them. Maybe seeing it visually would help him better understand where you’re coming from and to see that the term girlfriend/boyfriend is not the same as engaged. For me “living together” would be closer to “engaged” than “boyfriend/girlfriend.”

Please don’t do this sticky note thing or you will become known as the “the ex with the sticky notes” in his friend group.

Post-It Note Girl will be a funny story that his friends tell their actual girlfriends about.

[Anonymous]

Girlfriend in your 40s is odd sounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

I’d draw it out on paper. Make a horizontal line. Write “married” at the right end. Write “strangers” at the other end. Start filling it in. You could use sticky notes to move them. Maybe seeing it visually would help him better understand where you’re coming from and to see that the term girlfriend/boyfriend is not the same as engaged. For me “living together” would be closer to “engaged” than “boyfriend/girlfriend.”

Please don’t do this sticky note thing or you will become known as the “the ex with the sticky notes” in his friend group.

Post-It Note Girl will be a funny story that his friends tell their actual girlfriends about.

I wonder about some of the suggestions that show up on here. But more important than the post-it note continuum is that you cannot (or should not) use it to talk this guy out of his feelings. You can tell him your views but there is not ultimate meaning on the definition on girlfriend in 2023 when you are in your 40s.

[Anonymous]

We are in our forties and married. Unless you are married, I don’t think anyone cares if you are his girlfriend of six months, first date, long term girlfriend. Friend seems fine unless it is very serious. Our divorced friends have boyfriends, even fiancés who just break up and no one really cares.

If you are having a good time and you are exclusive, you shouldn’t care if his friends think you are exclusively not sleeping with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the two of you discussed how you want to label yourselves? If not, I can understand why he didn’t want to be presumptuous and call you his GF. Use your words and talk to him.

We have discussed it before and didn’t see eye to eye. He thinks boyfriend/girlfriend is some HUGE title. He see it the way I see being engaged. The day to day of our relationship is very good. We act like a couple and as far as I can tell (and from his words) he isn’t seeing anyone else. I guess I just have to deal with this “friend” thing. But for me it’s annoying. Titles are a form of respect in my eyes. An even though our relationship emotionally progresses there is a part of me that has a hard time taking him seriously as a potential partner because he keeps calling me his friend.

I have been with my husband for 20 years.

In my twenties, I would think a guy who would want me as his girlfriend would be proud of me and want to show his friends and colleagues that I am his. It was probably very immature of me.

Now our friends are 35-60. No one cares about your personal life.

[Anonymous]

I would just let him know that it bothered you and talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I’m overacting. To me saying friend sounds like FWB or until you meet the next chick. It’s better to just say the persons name and show affection. Friend is also disingenuous because we are not friends.

If you're not friends, then you shouldn't be dating.

[Anonymous]

I am in my 40s and I see nothing wrong with calling my boyfriend my boyfriend or him calling me his girlfriend.

He once told me he referred to me as his ladyfriend to some co-workers because he thought girlfriend sounds weird and I told him to own it. Girlfriend is MUCH better than ladyfriend.

Anything else sounds contrived.