Redshirting a girl

[Anonymous]

I was a late November birthday in New York, so I started Kindergarten at 4. I had a hard time keeping up during K and 1st. Fortunately my school had supplemental math and reading lab to help struggling students, so they wouldn't fall behind. By 2nd grade, having a late birthday was never an issue academic wise.

The other issue was starting college at 17, but I never got into any trouble during that period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a late November birthday in New York, so I started Kindergarten at 4. I had a hard time keeping up during K and 1st. Fortunately my school had supplemental math and reading lab to help struggling students, so they wouldn't fall behind. By 2nd grade, having a late birthday was never an issue academic wise.

The other issue was starting college at 17, but I never got into any trouble during that period.

Op here- this is a big concern for me. I don’t like the idea of dd heading off to college at 17. It feels super young. I am leaning towards retaining her given how on the cusp her birthday is, but am definitely torn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would. No need to rush her through K-12. She will be better prepared and more mature when the times comes for college decisions, career paths, and being successful in college. The youngest people I knew in school growing up were the Nov/Dec birthdays and every one that I can think of took 5 yrs to graduate and had some big bumps along the way- even though they were objectively smart and did well in high school

She wouldn’t be rushing though, she’s going on time..

NP. I'm a tiny bit confused. So where OP is the cut off is in December -- does that mean that if she starts her daughter "on time" she'll start K as a 5 yr old and turn 6 in November? In that case I would absolutely send her unless there were a specific reason not to (like a developmental delay). This will also put her in line with the vast majority of kids in the country so she would be starting college with the same age cohort. Turning 7 two months into kindergarten sounds aggressive to me.

If the suggestion is that "on time" means starting her at age 4 and then she will turn 5 in November, I'd lean much more heavily towards redshirting, especially if it's fairly common in your area, because I think that's young for K and will also mean she's young compared to her grade cohort nationally.

I have an August birthday in a place with a 9/30 cut off and started her on time and it has been great. Very hard to imagine her being a year behind this in school, and I actually think being among the youngest has helped her build her social skills because she has had to learn to speak up and be assertive when her personality upon starting school was a bit more shy.

…..no. It’s New York

Op here. If my daughter goes “on time” she would start kindergarten at 4 and turn 5 in November of kindergarten. I think that’s very young considering the cut off in the rest of the country and considering what’s expected of kids. In NY, they keep the cutoff late as a means to provide free childcare and not because it’s developmentally appropriate or on par with other states in the region and country. So, am leaning towards retaining her but our small late cutoff bubble does make it a nuanced decision.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would hold her back. We had August birthday girl, talked to many parents and teachers. It's not about K, it's about the teen years.

They are either going to be the oldest or the youngest all the way through. Parents of girls told us that being older in the grade in their teen years gave them confidence and helped them handle drama/stressors better.

My DH is now 11. When we held her, her K teacher said she would be so bored in K and she was. We had to solve for that, it wasn't hard. Now she is in AAP and well supported and I love seeing her confidence in her grade and with her friends.

It's an advantage you can give your kid, why wouldn't you?

[Anonymous]

Just hold her back. It’s a no-brainer.

[Anonymous]

I sent my DD to a private school with flexible cutoff dates - equivalent to a Big 3 (not DC area). I thought if she could pass the entrance exam, she'd probably be fine. I saw that socially she was behind for a couple years. She is also tiny for her age, so extra tiny for her grade. However, academically she's way ahead. At about 3rd grade the social piece caught up. She's still small, but I cannot imagine holding her back now academically. It would have been a huge disservice to her. Yes, she is a fully 18 mo younger than some kids and a full year younger than most. She is also a year ahead of them in reading and 2 years in math. Her sport is gymnastics, so the small size helps. If her sport was lacrosse or tennis, I might have a different opinion.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, all of this redshirting everywhere has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy to me that OP has zero concerns about kindergarten readiness but is considering holding her daughter back since she feels as though sending her on time as one of the youngest may, at some future point, make her have some unknown discomfort or adversity not otherwise specified, and she’d rather put her at an advantage over the other children as the oldest. That is, in my opinion, quite weak-sauce and we’ve lost sight of accommodating true outlier kids who are not ready and are instead accommodating anxious parents trying to game-ify their not-struggling children’s successes over others. The fact that OP even feels like she has an existential decision to make is silly to me. The default should be send on time unless there is a compelling reason not to. I’m not seeing one here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a late November birthday in New York, so I started Kindergarten at 4. I had a hard time keeping up during K and 1st. Fortunately my school had supplemental math and reading lab to help struggling students, so they wouldn't fall behind. By 2nd grade, having a late birthday was never an issue academic wise.

The other issue was starting college at 17, but I never got into any trouble during that period.

Op here- this is a big concern for me. I don’t like the idea of dd heading off to college at 17. It feels super young. I am leaning towards retaining her given how on the cusp her birthday is, but am definitely torn.

NP here. I didn’t turn 18 until I was almost done with freshman year of college. Looking back, it does seem young but grateful my parents gave me the freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I would hold her back. We had August birthday girl, talked to many parents and teachers. It's not about K, it's about the teen years.

They are either going to be the oldest or the youngest all the way through. Parents of girls told us that being older in the grade in their teen years gave them confidence and helped them handle drama/stressors better.

My DH is now 11. When we held her, her K teacher said she would be so bored in K and she was. We had to solve for that, it wasn't hard. Now she is in AAP and well supported and I love seeing her confidence in her grade and with her friends.

It's an advantage you can give your kid, why wouldn't you?

It is not an advantage for every kid. Sounds like your kid is fairly mediocre (maybe slow?) and needed the boost to feel confident. Some kids are ahead and thrive with a faster thinking crowd and this stretches them in positive ways. The development gap is the teen years is actually smaller for girls than boys imo, especially if your kid is social to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, all of this redshirting everywhere has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy to me that OP has zero concerns about kindergarten readiness but is considering holding her daughter back since she feels as though sending her on time as one of the youngest may, at some future point, make her have some unknown discomfort or adversity not otherwise specified, and she’d rather put her at an advantage over the other children as the oldest. That is, in my opinion, quite weak-sauce and we’ve lost sight of accommodating true outlier kids who are not ready and are instead accommodating anxious parents trying to game-ify their not-struggling children’s successes over others. The fact that OP even feels like she has an existential decision to make is silly to me. The default should be send on time unless there is a compelling reason not to. I’m not seeing one here.

OP here. It is out of hand, but partially so because there are no uniform dates across the country. I don’t want my child going to college at 17 with kids who have just turned 19 or are about to. There’s a big difference. I also know what’s expected of kids in kindergarten now and I just don’t feel it’s developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old. 2/3 of the kids in her class would be turning 6 by March. I don’t care about putting her at an advantage as much as I don’t want her to be at disadvantage. I never said it’s an existential decision, but this is a parenting forum. If we can talk about what to serve at a birthday party I can certainly ask other parents for their experiences on their daughters being the very youngest vs close to the oldest of their grade.

Fwiw I have a March birthday and was on the older side of my grade. In hindsight many of the girls I knew with late fall birthdays were immature and really could not keep up socially. But I was also fairly tall until middle school and that was a little awkward for me. I’m average build- not a tiny petite person and doubt my daughter will be either, so that is also a consideration, however asinine you may find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hold her back. It’s a no-brainer.

It’s only a no-brainer if you choose not to see your child as an individual but rather a statistic. I know some kids who benefit from being held back and others for whom it is a huge disservice. One girl in my daughter’s class was held back and she was extremely tall. She passed me in size in 3rd grade; I’m 5’3”. Imagine what that did for her confidence! Also, it turned out she was extremely gifted, so she was bored stiff, with all these younger tiny kids around - socially awkward, because she’s more mature than them. It even looked strange for her to be playing with American Girl dolls when the other kids were. Fast forward to the tween/teen years - she went through puberty 1st (of course) and was over 6’ tall. She looked like she could teach her 7th grade class - and probably was smart enough to teach it. She was hunched over in every class photo. She joined the basketball team, which took her on height alone, but was totally unathletic. She’s in college now and I just can’t imagine how she must have felt her whole time as a child - the biggest, the smartest, the more developed physically (which got her unwanted attention!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, all of this redshirting everywhere has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy to me that OP has zero concerns about kindergarten readiness but is considering holding her daughter back since she feels as though sending her on time as one of the youngest may, at some future point, make her have some unknown discomfort or adversity not otherwise specified, and she’d rather put her at an advantage over the other children as the oldest. That is, in my opinion, quite weak-sauce and we’ve lost sight of accommodating true outlier kids who are not ready and are instead accommodating anxious parents trying to game-ify their not-struggling children’s successes over others. The fact that OP even feels like she has an existential decision to make is silly to me. The default should be send on time unless there is a compelling reason not to. I’m not seeing one here.

This!

OP is sending her daughter the message that she is not good enough, so she is trying to give her an advantage to compensate for her deficiencies. OP, eventually your daughter will see through this if she is of normal intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a late November birthday in New York, so I started Kindergarten at 4. I had a hard time keeping up during K and 1st. Fortunately my school had supplemental math and reading lab to help struggling students, so they wouldn't fall behind. By 2nd grade, having a late birthday was never an issue academic wise.

The other issue was starting college at 17, but I never got into any trouble during that period.

October birthday here also in NY -- no issues at all. Was in gifted programs as a kid and graduated high school on time. Attended Georgetown Univ -- also graduated on time.

Younger brother was a November baby and struggled a little -- he was also premature 2 months, but started K as a 4 year old. Graduated college in 4 1/2 years -- transferred and didn't get credit for everything he had taken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, all of this redshirting everywhere has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy to me that OP has zero concerns about kindergarten readiness but is considering holding her daughter back since she feels as though sending her on time as one of the youngest may, at some future point, make her have some unknown discomfort or adversity not otherwise specified, and she’d rather put her at an advantage over the other children as the oldest. That is, in my opinion, quite weak-sauce and we’ve lost sight of accommodating true outlier kids who are not ready and are instead accommodating anxious parents trying to game-ify their not-struggling children’s successes over others. The fact that OP even feels like she has an existential decision to make is silly to me. The default should be send on time unless there is a compelling reason not to. I’m not seeing one here.

OP here. It is out of hand, but partially so because there are no uniform dates across the country. I don’t want my child going to college at 17 with kids who have just turned 19 or are about to. There’s a big difference. I also know what’s expected of kids in kindergarten now and I just don’t feel it’s developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old. 2/3 of the kids in her class would be turning 6 by March. I don’t care about putting her at an advantage as much as I don’t want her to be at disadvantage. I never said it’s an existential decision, but this is a parenting forum. If we can talk about what to serve at a birthday party I can certainly ask other parents for their experiences on their daughters being the very youngest vs close to the oldest of their grade.

Fwiw I have a March birthday and was on the older side of my grade. In hindsight many of the girls I knew with late fall birthdays were immature and really could not keep up socially. But I was also fairly tall until middle school and that was a little awkward for me. I’m average build- not a tiny petite person and doubt my daughter will be either, so that is also a consideration, however asinine you may find it.

It is YOUR JOB AS A PARENT to prepare her for this! Are you saying you are not up for the task? or that you are a crap parent who will fail in this regard?

Also, in Europe 4 year olds are expected to read, which is K/1st here, so ‘developmentally appropriate’ is a sliding scale.

It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, OP. So, why ask on this forum if you are going to get so defensive? Just hold her back and deal with he consequences of doing that. It’s not my kid, so I don’t really care. I didn’t hold mine back - she’s in 8th grade and young - just turned 13. She’s thriving! I’ve always been on top of it with being a sounding board for the social scene and she’s navigated this quite well. Now I’m shifting my focus to being a sounding board for the dating/college scene. My role is support, advice, and guidance - DD calls the shots. So far, I’ve been impressed with her choices. Regardless of their relative age in the class, you have to guide them to make good decisions - it is your job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, all of this redshirting everywhere has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy to me that OP has zero concerns about kindergarten readiness but is considering holding her daughter back since she feels as though sending her on time as one of the youngest may, at some future point, make her have some unknown discomfort or adversity not otherwise specified, and she’d rather put her at an advantage over the other children as the oldest. That is, in my opinion, quite weak-sauce and we’ve lost sight of accommodating true outlier kids who are not ready and are instead accommodating anxious parents trying to game-ify their not-struggling children’s successes over others. The fact that OP even feels like she has an existential decision to make is silly to me. The default should be send on time unless there is a compelling reason not to. I’m not seeing one here.

OP here. It is out of hand, but partially so because there are no uniform dates across the country. I don’t want my child going to college at 17 with kids who have just turned 19 or are about to. There’s a big difference. I also know what’s expected of kids in kindergarten now and I just don’t feel it’s developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old. 2/3 of the kids in her class would be turning 6 by March. I don’t care about putting her at an advantage as much as I don’t want her to be at disadvantage. I never said it’s an existential decision, but this is a parenting forum. If we can talk about what to serve at a birthday party I can certainly ask other parents for their experiences on their daughters being the very youngest vs close to the oldest of their grade.

Fwiw I have a March birthday and was on the older side of my grade. In hindsight many of the girls I knew with late fall birthdays were immature and really could not keep up socially. But I was also fairly tall until middle school and that was a little awkward for me. I’m average build- not a tiny petite person and doubt my daughter will be either, so that is also a consideration, however asinine you may find it.

It is YOUR JOB AS A PARENT to prepare her for this! Are you saying you are not up for the task? or that you are a crap parent who will fail in this regard?

Also, in Europe 4 year olds are expected to read, which is K/1st here, so ‘developmentally appropriate’ is a sliding scale.

It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, OP. So, why ask on this forum if you are going to get so defensive? Just hold her back and deal with he consequences of doing that. It’s not my kid, so I don’t really care. I didn’t hold mine back - she’s in 8th grade and young - just turned 13. She’s thriving! I’ve always been on top of it with being a sounding board for the social scene and she’s navigated this quite well. Now I’m shifting my focus to being a sounding board for the dating/college scene. My role is support, advice, and guidance - DD calls the shots. So far, I’ve been impressed with her choices. Regardless of their relative age in the class, you have to guide them to make good decisions - it is your job!

Huh? In UK and Europe kids start school at 5 and 6. There is preschool before then.