Tell me about your experience if you divorced while both kids were in HS

[Anonymous]

I was in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. I am speaking into my phone and my earlier post above made typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'd love anyone who *did* divorce in the HS years to weigh in. The thread kind of veered off into things about custody- I'm fully assuming he'll get 50%, and that's not really my question. Appreciate the responses. To the poster who is divorced who says to wait, can you explain why? I'm interested. TIA!

I said wait. I wasn’t him emotionally abusive marriage also and financially abusive and divorce when my kids were five and eight. Here is the thing: when they were kids involved it does not give you the freedom that you think it will. If there’s 50-50 custody, you were going to be up ending your kids life with the going back-and-forth when they were in high school which I believe is the worst time to do it. If you would have stayed this long, surely you can stay a few more years and not have to deal with the kids going back-and-forth and if you think it’s going to be easier just because you’re not married I’ll tell you to think again because honestly been divorced, is actually harder than being married in certain situations. When I was married and living in the same house, I could ignore him every single day. I just didn’t talk to him, and I was in a separate part of the house. Now? He blows up my phone 100 times a day calls me all the time and I can’t get rid of him. It’s all in the name of the kids, but I believe that with certain people they just want to make your life more difficult and not leave you alone. Putting your kids through this in high school and they’re almost grown up to me is a terrible idea and if you wait until they go to college, you will not have to deal with him and you can truly have a clean slate. I’ve been divorced for years now and it’s not better.

DP

This is my situation. We tried a separation. It was hell, he harassed me over text, email, and the parenting app that was supposed to limit communication to practicalities and logistics. There are obviously mental health issues. But now we are back in the house and it’s so much better from the standpoint of communication.

We have a schedule to minimize overlap. I cut out text and email. We have therapy once a week, so when he rants at me his pathologies are noted by a third party and he is told to stop. This actually has cut down on the harassment by at least 75%. We only communicate on the parenting app and he knows it can be used in family court, so if he behaves badly that is his choice.

One household where you can manage what happens to the kids (because he won’t really care enough to put in the time unless he is trying to buy their love for his own selfish needs) is really key IME. Everyone’s marriage is different. But if you are involved with someone who has mental health issues and you have kids, divorce may or may not solve the issue of having to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'd love anyone who *did* divorce in the HS years to weigh in. The thread kind of veered off into things about custody- I'm fully assuming he'll get 50%, and that's not really my question. Appreciate the responses. To the poster who is divorced who says to wait, can you explain why? I'm interested. TIA!

I said wait. I wasn’t him emotionally abusive marriage also and financially abusive and divorce when my kids were five and eight. Here is the thing: when they were kids involved it does not give you the freedom that you think it will. If there’s 50-50 custody, you were going to be up ending your kids life with the going back-and-forth when they were in high school which I believe is the worst time to do it. If you would have stayed this long, surely you can stay a few more years and not have to deal with the kids going back-and-forth and if you think it’s going to be easier just because you’re not married I’ll tell you to think again because honestly been divorced, is actually harder than being married in certain situations. When I was married and living in the same house, I could ignore him every single day. I just didn’t talk to him, and I was in a separate part of the house. Now? He blows up my phone 100 times a day calls me all the time and I can’t get rid of him. It’s all in the name of the kids, but I believe that with certain people they just want to make your life more difficult and not leave you alone. Putting your kids through this in high school and they’re almost grown up to me is a terrible idea and if you wait until they go to college, you will not have to deal with him and you can truly have a clean slate. I’ve been divorced for years now and it’s not better.

DP

This is my situation. We tried a separation. It was hell, he harassed me over text, email, and the parenting app that was supposed to limit communication to practicalities and logistics. There are obviously mental health issues. But now we are back in the house and it’s so much better from the standpoint of communication.

We have a schedule to minimize overlap. I cut out text and email. We have therapy once a week, so when he rants at me his pathologies are noted by a third party and he is told to stop. This actually has cut down on the harassment by at least 75%. We only communicate on the parenting app and he knows it can be used in family court, so if he behaves badly that is his choice.

One household where you can manage what happens to the kids (because he won’t really care enough to put in the time unless he is trying to buy their love for his own selfish needs) is really key IME. Everyone’s marriage is different. But if you are involved with someone who has mental health issues and you have kids, divorce may or may not solve the issue of having to deal with them.

OP here, I appreciate this perspective very much. It's like, I know how to manage him now, but when he senses things are off, he ratchets up in terms of spinning, yelling, OCD behavior. Would be a devil I don't know to move to two households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'd love anyone who *did* divorce in the HS years to weigh in. The thread kind of veered off into things about custody- I'm fully assuming he'll get 50%, and that's not really my question. Appreciate the responses. To the poster who is divorced who says to wait, can you explain why? I'm interested. TIA!

I said wait. I wasn’t him emotionally abusive marriage also and financially abusive and divorce when my kids were five and eight. Here is the thing: when they were kids involved it does not give you the freedom that you think it will. If there’s 50-50 custody, you were going to be up ending your kids life with the going back-and-forth when they were in high school which I believe is the worst time to do it. If you would have stayed this long, surely you can stay a few more years and not have to deal with the kids going back-and-forth and if you think it’s going to be easier just because you’re not married I’ll tell you to think again because honestly been divorced, is actually harder than being married in certain situations. When I was married and living in the same house, I could ignore him every single day. I just didn’t talk to him, and I was in a separate part of the house. Now? He blows up my phone 100 times a day calls me all the time and I can’t get rid of him. It’s all in the name of the kids, but I believe that with certain people they just want to make your life more difficult and not leave you alone. Putting your kids through this in high school and they’re almost grown up to me is a terrible idea and if you wait until they go to college, you will not have to deal with him and you can truly have a clean slate. I’ve been divorced for years now and it’s not better.

DP

This is my situation. We tried a separation. It was hell, he harassed me over text, email, and the parenting app that was supposed to limit communication to practicalities and logistics. There are obviously mental health issues. But now we are back in the house and it’s so much better from the standpoint of communication.

We have a schedule to minimize overlap. I cut out text and email. We have therapy once a week, so when he rants at me his pathologies are noted by a third party and he is told to stop. This actually has cut down on the harassment by at least 75%. We only communicate on the parenting app and he knows it can be used in family court, so if he behaves badly that is his choice.

One household where you can manage what happens to the kids (because he won’t really care enough to put in the time unless he is trying to buy their love for his own selfish needs) is really key IME. Everyone’s marriage is different. But if you are involved with someone who has mental health issues and you have kids, divorce may or may not solve the issue of having to deal with them.

OP here, I appreciate this perspective very much. It's like, I know how to manage him now, but when he senses things are off, he ratchets up in terms of spinning, yelling, OCD behavior. Would be a devil I don't know to move to two households.

PP

I understand, mine is the same way. He supposedly wanted the separation (this was after I asked for one a year earlier), but in reality he wanted the power over me and could not leave me alone. Even when told by therapists to stop communication or do his own thing, he would send tons of messages a day on nonsense. Since kids were involved I often could not ignore them. It was so much worse than being in the same house. His issues also ramped up bc he was feeling so insecure. Altogether very bad.

What have you done to try and minimize interaction? In addition to what I mentioned, I try to schedule at least one trip a month. I also encourage him to travel.

I am hoping the counseling will help. My situation is also intolerable. My kids are young, elementary. If they were older like yours I’m not sure what I would do. Thankfully it can be permanently over for you in a few years. Maybe you can just throw yourself into planning for that. Buy a new apt as a rental, but decorate and prepare it for yourself.

[Anonymous]

PS since your kids are older and know their own mind it’s tricky — might be easier in the sense that they can speak up against him. Might be worse in the sense that he will get more amped up and conflictual with them.

The main thing he might use to blackmail you and them is college tuition. Are you OK for that or do you need him?

[Anonymous]

I know you don’t want to focus much on custody, but I’m a lawyer in both DC and MD and I just want to say it is true that, given their ages, the preferences of your kids will be given a lot of weight. You might have to share legal custody, or might not given all the abuse. But, to the degree it impacts your decision, I think it’s good to understand that you’d have a real chance of getting primary physical custody.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced while my siblings and I were HS/MS aged.

I can’t lie, it was better late than never and we were so glad that we didn’t need to live with an emotionally abusive father any longer. But, my mother convinced him to give her primary custody. We may have felt more mixed if we had to split time. I have many stories of one parent not demanding 50/50 if they are compensated financially, if that route is an option for you.

[Anonymous]

NP for those of you who are staying with abusive H until kids are grown, how do you handle intimacy in the marriage? Is it just tacitly understood that he is seeking it elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you don’t want to focus much on custody, but I’m a lawyer in both DC and MD and I just want to say it is true that, given their ages, the preferences of your kids will be given a lot of weight. You might have to share legal custody, or might not given all the abuse. But, to the degree it impacts your decision, I think it’s good to understand that you’d have a real chance of getting primary physical custody.

What kind of abuse does it need to be to be awarded legal custody? I thought that unless it’s severe documented physical abuse they give 50/50. What kind of documentation of emotional abuse do you need?

[Anonymous]

I divorced when the kids were in high school. Due to unfortunate timing it was at the very beginning of the school year, which wasn’t ideal. I’d recommend well into the year or over the summer to separate so they’re settled in. My XH moved about 15 minutes away, zoned for another school. We were 50/50 and the kids would be driven to school by their dad in the mornings, and would ride the bus to my place and their dad would pick them up after work on his weeks (we were one week on, one week off).

As soon as the oldest started driving they’d stay at my place on their dad’s weeks until it was time to head to their dad’s for dinner or sometimes just to sleep, to check the box they were with their dad on his week. Their dad moved on very, very quickly though and would sometimes be out on dates or have random women over on the weeks he had the kids, so the kids really didn’t want to be around that. He quickly remarried and moved about 30 minutes away. Kids saw him less and less and now that they’re out of the house they see him a few times a year. I think he visited their colleges once every year or two (with his new family) when they were away- I don’t think he’s done anything one on one with them since he got remarried.

Byproduct of this situation is that I’m incredibly close with them. I’ve never, ever disparaged their father. But I have always been there to support them. That’s the important thing. I put them first always. They didn’t choose this life (neither did I but I play the hand I was dealt). I honestly don’t think I’d have close the relationship with them that I do now if the divorce didn’t happen- we were always walking on eggshells because we never knew what mood their dad would be in, and as his wife I tried to be supportive of him so I’d make excuses and take his side more than I should have.

[Anonymous]

I was a kid whose parents divorced when I was 16. I didn't like my mom's boyfriend and she was intent on the "new happy family" thing, and I just really disliked the back-and-forth custody shuffle. So I moved in with my dad full-time. My dad never said a negative word about my mom, ever. My mom was unhappy that I wouldn't live with her, but ultimately there was very little she could do about it without further damaging the relationship. It's very hard to force an older teen onto a custody arrangement they don't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced when the kids were in high school. Due to unfortunate timing it was at the very beginning of the school year, which wasn’t ideal. I’d recommend well into the year or over the summer to separate so they’re settled in. My XH moved about 15 minutes away, zoned for another school. We were 50/50 and the kids would be driven to school by their dad in the mornings, and would ride the bus to my place and their dad would pick them up after work on his weeks (we were one week on, one week off).

As soon as the oldest started driving they’d stay at my place on their dad’s weeks until it was time to head to their dad’s for dinner or sometimes just to sleep, to check the box they were with their dad on his week. Their dad moved on very, very quickly though and would sometimes be out on dates or have random women over on the weeks he had the kids, so the kids really didn’t want to be around that. He quickly remarried and moved about 30 minutes away. Kids saw him less and less and now that they’re out of the house they see him a few times a year. I think he visited their colleges once every year or two (with his new family) when they were away- I don’t think he’s done anything one on one with them since he got remarried.

Byproduct of this situation is that I’m incredibly close with them. I’ve never, ever disparaged their father. But I have always been there to support them. That’s the important thing. I put them first always. They didn’t choose this life (neither did I but I play the hand I was dealt). I honestly don’t think I’d have close the relationship with them that I do now if the divorce didn’t happen- we were always walking on eggshells because we never knew what mood their dad would be in, and as his wife I tried to be supportive of him so I’d make excuses and take his side more than I should have.

OP here, thank you, PP for this very vulnerable and detailed post. I'm so glad your relationship with your kids is so close!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a kid whose parents divorced when I was 16. I didn't like my mom's boyfriend and she was intent on the "new happy family" thing, and I just really disliked the back-and-forth custody shuffle. So I moved in with my dad full-time. My dad never said a negative word about my mom, ever. My mom was unhappy that I wouldn't live with her, but ultimately there was very little she could do about it without further damaging the relationship. It's very hard to force an older teen onto a custody arrangement they don't like.

Thank you, PP, for sharing your story,
OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you don’t want to focus much on custody, but I’m a lawyer in both DC and MD and I just want to say it is true that, given their ages, the preferences of your kids will be given a lot of weight. You might have to share legal custody, or might not given all the abuse. But, to the degree it impacts your decision, I think it’s good to understand that you’d have a real chance of getting primary physical custody.

OP here, thank you for this, PP. It is emotional, directed at me for the most part. My daughter is sick of it, though I'm not sure it would rise to the level of sole custody, and that would actually make the situation SO much worse-- he wants to be around us all of the time and this would put him over the edge. What I most certainly don't want is to have the situation play out where he accuses me of turning our daughter against him. I have an attorney, and I will ask about a 'nesting' situation until they are out of HS. I'd rather shuffle than have my kids do it.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I am divorced, and while I am very happy to be divorced, I recommend waiting as long as you possibly can for your kids' sake unless there is abuse involved. You are so close, and a divorce at this time will be very destabilizing for them, more destabilizing than having unhappy parents or even an unstable parent.

It's just not worth causing the stress at this point in their lives, as well as the logistical and financial stress that this will bring to you, at this time. Just let them finish school if you can.