Tell me about your experience if you divorced while both kids were in HS

[Anonymous]

I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage, and have been for 20 years. One child is a junior, and one a freshman. I have a great job (though not hugely wealthy), friends, a good relationship with my kids. Kids are doing great in school. I was going to try to wait until they left for college to leave, so I wouldn't have to focus on divorce during their HS years. It's becoming intolerable.

If you left during HS, can you tell me about it? How were your kids able to cope? Please, please, hold responses about 'just leave now, you're making it worse by staying bc they see the emotional abuse.' First of all, I'm aware that my situation is terrible, and I'm doing the best I can. I'm staying bc DH will surely get 50% custody, so I've been trying to stay bc I often protect them.

I'm extremely interested to hear from folks who've left with older teens. TIA.

[Anonymous]

I would try very hard to continue to live in their school district, so that if they come to reside with you 100% of the time, they don't have to change schools.

Your ex may feel entitled to a certain amount of custody, but it's very hard to force an older teen onto a custody schedule they don't like. Especially after they turn 18.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you, PP. I'm indeed worried of the fallout that the teens will want to live with me, and DH will fight that. A lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

OP again- kids won't have to change schools.

[Anonymous]

How is the kids relationship with Dad? Taking 100% custody and destroying their relationship will cause huge harm. If you want to divorce and 50-50, that's reasonable. 100% taking them away from their Dad is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you, PP. I'm indeed worried of the fallout that the teens will want to live with me, and DH will fight that. A lot to think about.

He needs to really ask himself precisely how he plans to "fight". If the kids are refusing to cooperate with it, is he going to take them to court? If the kids sneaks out of his house and stay with a friend instead, what is he going to do about it? What if the kid is supposed to go to Dad's house from school, and doesn't show up? Your STBX probably thinks you are the enemy here, but really, with kids this age, it's outside your control.

You need to document very carefully that you've done everything you're supposed to do re: custody. Like if you drop a kid off at his house, take a picture every time. Your STBX will probably sue you over this and you need to be able to convince the judge you are not trying to keep the kids away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is the kids relationship with Dad? Taking 100% custody and destroying their relationship will cause huge harm. If you want to divorce and 50-50, that's reasonable. 100% taking them away from their Dad is not.

People can't just "take" 100% without proving the other parent unfit.

This is more about a scenario where the kids refuse to live with their father, for whatever reason. Not about OP doing anything bad at all.

[Anonymous]

You really need to consult an attorney about custody. In some jurisdictions or with some judges, the wishes of the kids may play an important role. In other jurisdictions or courts there may be a judge who prefers to believe what would inevitably be your DH's argument - that you are "alienating" the children from him. It also might depend on what the quality of your evidence is and whether the abuse is emotional against you or against the kids as well. It will also matter how able and willing the kids are to speak up on their own behalf in court.

If you they are witnessing any kind of abuse, you might think about getting them individual therapists.

[Anonymous]

If you have stayed this long, honestly, you should wait until they are done with high school. Really. (And I am divorced)

[Anonymous]

Are you in Maryland, OP? I think kids can choose not to go with a parent starting at age 16. Maybe others know for sure and can chime in.

[Anonymous]

Kids in HS are old enough to understand what's going on. My BFF's parents divorced when he was in HS. He never saw or spoke to his dad again, and when he died, he didn't care. Wasn't abusive, but there was an affair

[Anonymous]

It was rough. Major mental health toll on the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I'd love anyone who *did* divorce in the HS years to weigh in. The thread kind of veered off into things about custody- I'm fully assuming he'll get 50%, and that's not really my question. Appreciate the responses. To the poster who is divorced who says to wait, can you explain why? I'm interested. TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was rough. Major mental health toll on the kids.

I'm so sorry, PP. Are things better now for them or is it still very difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'd love anyone who *did* divorce in the HS years to weigh in. The thread kind of veered off into things about custody- I'm fully assuming he'll get 50%, and that's not really my question. Appreciate the responses. To the poster who is divorced who says to wait, can you explain why? I'm interested. TIA!

I said wait. I wasn’t him emotionally abusive marriage also and financially abusive and divorce when my kids were five and eight. Here is the thing: when they were kids involved it does not give you the freedom that you think it will. If there’s 50-50 custody, you were going to be up ending your kids life with the going back-and-forth when they were in high school which I believe is the worst time to do it. If you would have stayed this long, surely you can stay a few more years and not have to deal with the kids going back-and-forth and if you think it’s going to be easier just because you’re not married I’ll tell you to think again because honestly been divorced, is actually harder than being married in certain situations. When I was married and living in the same house, I could ignore him every single day. I just didn’t talk to him, and I was in a separate part of the house. Now? He blows up my phone 100 times a day calls me all the time and I can’t get rid of him. It’s all in the name of the kids, but I believe that with certain people they just want to make your life more difficult and not leave you alone. Putting your kids through this in high school and they’re almost grown up to me is a terrible idea and if you wait until they go to college, you will not have to deal with him and you can truly have a clean slate. I’ve been divorced for years now and it’s not better.