Tell me about your experience if you divorced while both kids were in HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am divorced, and while I am very happy to be divorced, I recommend waiting as long as you possibly can for your kids' sake unless there is abuse involved. You are so close, and a divorce at this time will be very destabilizing for them, more destabilizing than having unhappy parents or even an unstable parent.

It's just not worth causing the stress at this point in their lives, as well as the logistical and financial stress that this will bring to you, at this time. Just let them finish school if you can.

I disagree. My parents divorced when I was 16 but were openly hostile to one another starting when I was about 9. They slept in separate rooms starting when I was 10/11. I know some people on here think that is normal but it’s actually not normal and I never had friends over because I was afraid they would find out and tell everyone. It was insufferable. My sister and I actually sat them down multiple times to ask them when they were divorcing. Your children are probably very aware of your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am divorced, and while I am very happy to be divorced, I recommend waiting as long as you possibly can for your kids' sake unless there is abuse involved. You are so close, and a divorce at this time will be very destabilizing for them, more destabilizing than having unhappy parents or even an unstable parent.

It's just not worth causing the stress at this point in their lives, as well as the logistical and financial stress that this will bring to you, at this time. Just let them finish school if you can.

OP here. Did you feel like your kids' lives were too destabilized and you would have waited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am divorced, and while I am very happy to be divorced, I recommend waiting as long as you possibly can for your kids' sake unless there is abuse involved. You are so close, and a divorce at this time will be very destabilizing for them, more destabilizing than having unhappy parents or even an unstable parent.

It's just not worth causing the stress at this point in their lives, as well as the logistical and financial stress that this will bring to you, at this time. Just let them finish school if you can.

I disagree. My parents divorced when I was 16 but were openly hostile to one another starting when I was about 9. They slept in separate rooms starting when I was 10/11. I know some people on here think that is normal but it’s actually not normal and I never had friends over because I was afraid they would find out and tell everyone. It was insufferable. My sister and I actually sat them down multiple times to ask them when they were divorcing. Your children are probably very aware of your issues.

OP here, thank you for this- my kids are definitely aware that there is anger and resentment between us. We're not sleeping in separate bedrooms, but it is an extremely difficult situation. Let's just say if we said tomorrow we were divorcing, neither kid would be shocked (esp DD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you don’t want to focus much on custody, but I’m a lawyer in both DC and MD and I just want to say it is true that, given their ages, the preferences of your kids will be given a lot of weight. You might have to share legal custody, or might not given all the abuse. But, to the degree it impacts your decision, I think it’s good to understand that you’d have a real chance of getting primary physical custody.

What kind of abuse does it need to be to be awarded legal custody? I thought that unless it’s severe documented physical abuse they give 50/50. What kind of documentation of emotional abuse do you need?

There are few set rules like that since it really depends on how each judge evaluates the case. But if you have primary physical custody, shared legal custody often in practice doesn’t mean much because you’ll still be the one in charge of their day to day lives. Legal custody is only about big stuff - religion, discipline, medical issues, education. With older kids, this stuff might not come
up much.

As for the physical custody, you probably wouldn’t need any showing of abuse if kids at that age state they’d rather be with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is the kids relationship with Dad? Taking 100% custody and destroying their relationship will cause huge harm. If you want to divorce and 50-50, that's reasonable. 100% taking them away from their Dad is not.

Their emotional abusive dad, yeah let’s let him role model that some more. Neglect, ridicule, misogyny, insults, gaslighting. All that good dad time.

#BreakTheCycle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is the kids relationship with Dad? Taking 100% custody and destroying their relationship will cause huge harm. If you want to divorce and 50-50, that's reasonable. 100% taking them away from their Dad is not.

After age 12 and definitely 16 the kid can have a say. Dad may try to bully them of course or bribe them.