Would you adopt a teen?

[Anonymous]

I have considered it, OP. I actually volunteered with a local organization mentoring kids in foster care for several years. That was really eye opening for me. (Not the experience of foster care — I knew about that intellectually at least going in — but the cultural and personality divide between my experience and mentoring techniques and what my mentee needed/expected.) I don’t think I changed her life for the better (her very experienced and awesome foster mom did that). I think I brought her some happiness and joy while she was struggling with high school and I’m glad of that. But it has made me seriously consider whether I’m really in a position to help a traumatized teen in useful ways. I think (my kids are younger than yours so I have a while before I’d even consider it) I rather than going in with a plan to adopt a teen I would prefer to become a registered foster parent for elementary to tween kids. I think the PP who said that with older kids you can’t assume your place in their lives is spot on and I think focusing on myself as a foster parent/temporary safe adult rather than parent parent would help with my mindset about that and consequently my ability to actually provide useful to support.

So in short, I think you should absolutely keep researching it if you really want to adopt but I would definitely make sure you aren’t approaching it from the perspective of how good a parent you are because (a) you have no idea how you’ll do with a severely traumatized kid and (b) they’ll likely not think of you as a parent for years if at all.

[Anonymous]

No nope never no way, for all the reasons already spelled out by PPs.

[Anonymous]

15 plus years ago I seriously considered this, as a single parent, and attended foster parent training program in DC. Seriously comprehensive and gave us “do gooders” a rude awakening. We met current DC foster and adoptive parents to share their lives and challenges. What concerned me the most was that despite all of the tremendous time and attention some of these adoptive parents put forth, and love, in several cases, their teens ran away to return to their former hoods and ultimately left their new families to return to their former lives, devastating the adoptive parent(s) who lost them.

[Anonymous]

Foster, maybe but you have to be careful. Most teens will have serious issues but there are a few great teens.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken to your kids about this? They probably deserve a voice in a decision with such a big impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I and many of my friends adopted kids who experienced significant trauma. (All adopted kids have had some trauma but some real with it better than others). It will be nothing like your parenting experience. Things we are all experiencing include ADHD, cognitive issues that require expensive services, drug use/abuse, vaping, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, defiance, serious mental health issues, running away, violence, internet abuse, and the list goes on. We spend our time looking for services, trying to get IEPs, trying to get mental health treatment, trying to find that magic medication cocktail. And some of us have had to evict a child because of incredible defiance and violence. We all experience joy too. But each thing I listed, except for eviction, is something everyone in my group has experienced. Peaceful periods have been few and far between and they don’t last long. Trauma is no joke.

I would not have written this post except that you seem to think that parenting a kid who comes to you as a teen with probably multiple disruptions and a terribly difficult life will somehow resemble your parenting experience. I don’t think you should necessarily walk away. But you should go in with your eyes wide open. If you don’t think you or your younger child can live with holes that have been punched into your walls or sleepless nights waiting for the police to find your child who hasn’t come home yet again, adoption of a teen might not be for you.

Agree with this. OP, how will you feel if your kid refuses to go to school, steals, damages your belongings, pees inappropriately, harms your pets, threatens suicide, says you injured/abused them (putting your professional license at risk), or runs away? Because these are all things I experienced as a foster parent of a younger kid and it only scales up as the kid gets larger and hormones kick in. If you can handle it that is amazing but interacting with kids in care or otherwise at risk in ways other than jumping right to adoption seems wise.

[Anonymous]

No. I would not.

[Anonymous]

Calling someone a do gooder for wanting to do this is just plain rude.
The term white savior is rude too. We are white with an adopted black child, now a tween, who we love as our own. Heard that word get thrown around too.

OP go for it, we have a friend fostering a 12yo because they have 2 slightly older boys and felt they could handle it. He is thriving with them. The end goal is obviously reunification but while he’s with them he’s doing really well.

[Anonymous]

Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fostered a 10 year old and it was HARD. But I had not parented before. You are in a very different situation. I think it is definitely worth considering, but know that
a) the chances of mental illness, addiction, etc. are HIGH because of genetics and trauma.
b) the kid is likely not to see you as a parent--don't expect them to call you mom and dad or be grateful to you. If you can be ok with that and take on a role more akin to a caring aunt/uncle/boarding school dorm monitor that may work better for kids who aren't ready to attach to another parent and may never be.
c) have therapists lined up for yourself and other kids in the household, and ideally someone who can prescribe meds. Most people I know who adopt from foster care end up needing this and the worst time to seek mental health care is when you are already depressed or anxious or traumatized.
d) maintaining birth order is generally recommended, so a kid younger than your youngest.
e) depending on your background, you may face major cultural barriers. I was the same race as the kid I fostered but there were a lot of class and urban/rural differences. Making sure your kid has a lot of "mirrors" (doctors, therapists, teachers, classmates, hair stylists, people involved in extracurriculars) is really crucial if you can't provide that in your house. And know that it's hard for a kid to stand out when you go out as a family!

It is not going to be easy, but someone needs to do it and you seem like you could be a good fit. If you wanted to get your feet wet, DCFYI has some ways to do that. Or you could contact your local child welfare agency and ask about the process to do respite care.

Another option could be to volunteer with kids /young adults who are not necessarily in foster care, but share similar issues (or you may be able to mentor in a way that helps keep kids out of foster care). Sasha Bruce Youthworks, DC127 (note you don't have to be Christian), and Generation Hope are all good options.

Good luck and it's great that you are considering this!

Op here. The so much for this reply. I'm typing on my phone so this will be short but we're a nurse/doctor couple and have always practiced in inner-city settings so have a fair amount of exposure to trauma, addiction, etc through work.

We have a stable family, income, house. Very well connected to our neighborhood, schools, church. we seem to complement each other well as parents. if we adopted a kid who is now 11 (2 years younger than our youngest) we would have been 37 and 40 at his/her birth. So this fits well into a natural trajectory of our lives.

No OP. You may have experience seeing traumatized kids for 30 minutes at a time - but this is NOTHING like actually parenting a child with severe mental health or addiction issues. Violence - against you and your child - is a possibility.

If you’re dead set on doing this, wait until your youngest is in college and adopt a slightly younger child (under 10) with more time to work with them on therapy, school and medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 plus years ago I seriously considered this, as a single parent, and attended foster parent training program in DC. Seriously comprehensive and gave us “do gooders” a rude awakening. We met current DC foster and adoptive parents to share their lives and challenges. What concerned me the most was that despite all of the tremendous time and attention some of these adoptive parents put forth, and love, in several cases, their teens ran away to return to their former hoods and ultimately left their new families to return to their former lives, devastating the adoptive parent(s) who lost them.

I mean - why would it be surprising that they would return to their friends, family and neighborhood? They’re teens, not infants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

[Anonymous]

If you decide to proceed, wait until your youngest child is out of the house. It’s one thing for you to take this on, it’s another to impose this on your child and impact their last years at home.

I wish you the best of luck if you decide to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Ok, this part is probably inaccurate. Nearly every teen adopted from foster care is going to qualify for ongoing assistance, which generally includes Medicaid and a monthly stipend. https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/ has information by state. But I agree with the rest. Again, not a reason to avoid it. But by adopting a teen you are getting involved not just with a kid but a whole family. It's like getting married and having in-laws. It can be great, or not. There might be relatives who are supportive and helpful but just can't parent a kid, and ones who are harmful. And who is who might change over time.

[Anonymous]

I like how you say you’re “pretty good at it” when it comes to being parents. Pretty smug also, don’t you think? Being “pretty good” at parenting your own kids doesn’t necessarily translate to parenting an adopted teen. They’re gonna require a lot more time and attention than your own kids did. Are you sure you’re not just pining in advance about being empty nesters?