Would you adopt a teen?

[Anonymous]

We have thought about adoption for years and years but it's never been the "right" time. We have 16 year old twins who will go to college in 2 years and a 13 year old. We love parenting and are pretty good at it. Considering looking into teenage adoption in 18-24 months. Youngest would be 15 at that time.
I know this is fraught with potential issues but thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I fostered a 10 year old and it was HARD. But I had not parented before. You are in a very different situation. I think it is definitely worth considering, but know that
a) the chances of mental illness, addiction, etc. are HIGH because of genetics and trauma.
b) the kid is likely not to see you as a parent--don't expect them to call you mom and dad or be grateful to you. If you can be ok with that and take on a role more akin to a caring aunt/uncle/boarding school dorm monitor that may work better for kids who aren't ready to attach to another parent and may never be.
c) have therapists lined up for yourself and other kids in the household, and ideally someone who can prescribe meds. Most people I know who adopt from foster care end up needing this and the worst time to seek mental health care is when you are already depressed or anxious or traumatized.
d) maintaining birth order is generally recommended, so a kid younger than your youngest.
e) depending on your background, you may face major cultural barriers. I was the same race as the kid I fostered but there were a lot of class and urban/rural differences. Making sure your kid has a lot of "mirrors" (doctors, therapists, teachers, classmates, hair stylists, people involved in extracurriculars) is really crucial if you can't provide that in your house. And know that it's hard for a kid to stand out when you go out as a family!

It is not going to be easy, but someone needs to do it and you seem like you could be a good fit. If you wanted to get your feet wet, DCFYI has some ways to do that. Or you could contact your local child welfare agency and ask about the process to do respite care.

Another option could be to volunteer with kids /young adults who are not necessarily in foster care, but share similar issues (or you may be able to mentor in a way that helps keep kids out of foster care). Sasha Bruce Youthworks, DC127 (note you don't have to be Christian), and Generation Hope are all good options.

Good luck and it's great that you are considering this!

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but thank you for considering this, OP. I’ve taught teens in foster care and I’m grateful someone stepped up to support them.

[Anonymous]

I have thought about this. We adopted young children but will think about fostering/adopting older children when our youngest goes to college. These kids have undergone a lot of trauma already, so I would not do it until after classes/training and volunteering with teens in foster care so I have a good understanding of the best way to approach.

[Anonymous]

OP, another way to add to your family besides actual adoption might be to "adopt/mentor" a foster child who has just aged out of the system at 18.

There are programs which assist with this, I believe. I think the benefit here is that the young person you are helping actually chooses that connection with a family.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the Project Wait No Longer team at the Barker Adoption Foundation. They have a wealth of experience with teen adoption and can help guide you.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not since you have three bio kids. Focus on your three bio kids for now. Do not screw up their lives like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fostered a 10 year old and it was HARD. But I had not parented before. You are in a very different situation. I think it is definitely worth considering, but know that
a) the chances of mental illness, addiction, etc. are HIGH because of genetics and trauma.
b) the kid is likely not to see you as a parent--don't expect them to call you mom and dad or be grateful to you. If you can be ok with that and take on a role more akin to a caring aunt/uncle/boarding school dorm monitor that may work better for kids who aren't ready to attach to another parent and may never be.
c) have therapists lined up for yourself and other kids in the household, and ideally someone who can prescribe meds. Most people I know who adopt from foster care end up needing this and the worst time to seek mental health care is when you are already depressed or anxious or traumatized.
d) maintaining birth order is generally recommended, so a kid younger than your youngest.
e) depending on your background, you may face major cultural barriers. I was the same race as the kid I fostered but there were a lot of class and urban/rural differences. Making sure your kid has a lot of "mirrors" (doctors, therapists, teachers, classmates, hair stylists, people involved in extracurriculars) is really crucial if you can't provide that in your house. And know that it's hard for a kid to stand out when you go out as a family!

It is not going to be easy, but someone needs to do it and you seem like you could be a good fit. If you wanted to get your feet wet, DCFYI has some ways to do that. Or you could contact your local child welfare agency and ask about the process to do respite care.

Another option could be to volunteer with kids /young adults who are not necessarily in foster care, but share similar issues (or you may be able to mentor in a way that helps keep kids out of foster care). Sasha Bruce Youthworks, DC127 (note you don't have to be Christian), and Generation Hope are all good options.

Good luck and it's great that you are considering this!

Op here. The so much for this reply. I'm typing on my phone so this will be short but we're a nurse/doctor couple and have always practiced in inner-city settings so have a fair amount of exposure to trauma, addiction, etc through work.

We have a stable family, income, house. Very well connected to our neighborhood, schools, church. we seem to complement each other well as parents. if we adopted a kid who is now 11 (2 years younger than our youngest) we would have been 37 and 40 at his/her birth. So this fits well into a natural trajectory of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fostered a 10 year old and it was HARD. But I had not parented before. You are in a very different situation. I think it is definitely worth considering, but know that
a) the chances of mental illness, addiction, etc. are HIGH because of genetics and trauma.
b) the kid is likely not to see you as a parent--don't expect them to call you mom and dad or be grateful to you. If you can be ok with that and take on a role more akin to a caring aunt/uncle/boarding school dorm monitor that may work better for kids who aren't ready to attach to another parent and may never be.
c) have therapists lined up for yourself and other kids in the household, and ideally someone who can prescribe meds. Most people I know who adopt from foster care end up needing this and the worst time to seek mental health care is when you are already depressed or anxious or traumatized.
d) maintaining birth order is generally recommended, so a kid younger than your youngest.
e) depending on your background, you may face major cultural barriers. I was the same race as the kid I fostered but there were a lot of class and urban/rural differences. Making sure your kid has a lot of "mirrors" (doctors, therapists, teachers, classmates, hair stylists, people involved in extracurriculars) is really crucial if you can't provide that in your house. And know that it's hard for a kid to stand out when you go out as a family!

It is not going to be easy, but someone needs to do it and you seem like you could be a good fit. If you wanted to get your feet wet, DCFYI has some ways to do that. Or you could contact your local child welfare agency and ask about the process to do respite care.

Another option could be to volunteer with kids /young adults who are not necessarily in foster care, but share similar issues (or you may be able to mentor in a way that helps keep kids out of foster care). Sasha Bruce Youthworks, DC127 (note you don't have to be Christian), and Generation Hope are all good options.

Good luck and it's great that you are considering this!

Op here. The so much for this reply. I'm typing on my phone so this will be short but we're a nurse/doctor couple and have always practiced in inner-city settings so have a fair amount of exposure to trauma, addiction, etc through work.

We have a stable family, income, house. Very well connected to our neighborhood, schools, church. we seem to complement each other well as parents. if we adopted a kid who is now 11 (2 years younger than our youngest) we would have been 37 and 40 at his/her birth. So this fits well into a natural trajectory of our lives.

DP and following up on all that the PP said - which is all true - OP you are approaching adoption as a do gooder and you will be severely disappointed. Living day in and day out with a child with trauma is exhausting and far surpasses anything you have done so far. It will strange your marriage seriously and your relationship with your kids will change and not in a good way.

You will not be the parent right away and it will take many years. You won’t be able to use the same parenting techniques that you used with your own biological children who grew up in your secure loving home and formed an attachment with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not since you have three bio kids. Focus on your three bio kids for now. Do not screw up their lives like this.

I agree with this (hopefully with more empathy than PP). My kids are very young but I understand the adolescent years are busy and fraught with challenges. I think both your bio kids and your potential adoptive kid(s) will be better off if you wait for your youngest to fly the coop, and would only require you to wait a few more years.

You’re a good person OP.

[Anonymous]

A close friend adopted a teen. She truly turned the girl’s life around and they love each other deeply.

I think it worked for them because they were a match. My friend is giving and demanding/strict in equal measure and the teen she ended up with was the kind of person who wanted that structure and security. A different teen might have been driven to rebel.

Teens are so hard. But if you have the nerves for it, helping one is a gift to society because the teen years are so pivotal.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not

[Anonymous]

My husband and I did not feel we were in a good financial position for adoption after our two kids left for college; but in the city where we were living there was a former orphanage being used as a home/campus for teens who'd been removed from their homes by DFCS for various reasons. I mentored a girl for two years (until she was returned to her family at the age of 15), and we were very close. I helped by tutoring and mentoring two evenings a week and was so thrilled to see what a difference it made in her life emotionally and academically. We weren't allowed to spend a lot of money on the teens who were living there; but I was able to give her some clothes, books, school supplies, and small pieces of jewelry. She was absolutely lovely and always very appreciative -- not rebellious or the type to push limits at all. If I could have, I would have adopted her with no hesitation.

[Anonymous]

I and many of my friends adopted kids who experienced significant trauma. (All adopted kids have had some trauma but some real with it better than others). It will be nothing like your parenting experience. Things we are all experiencing include ADHD, cognitive issues that require expensive services, drug use/abuse, vaping, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, defiance, serious mental health issues, running away, violence, internet abuse, and the list goes on. We spend our time looking for services, trying to get IEPs, trying to get mental health treatment, trying to find that magic medication cocktail. And some of us have had to evict a child because of incredible defiance and violence. We all experience joy too. But each thing I listed, except for eviction, is something everyone in my group has experienced. Peaceful periods have been few and far between and they don’t last long. Trauma is no joke.

I would not have written this post except that you seem to think that parenting a kid who comes to you as a teen with probably multiple disruptions and a terribly difficult life will somehow resemble your parenting experience. I don’t think you should necessarily walk away. But you should go in with your eyes wide open. If you don’t think you or your younger child can live with holes that have been punched into your walls or sleepless nights waiting for the police to find your child who hasn’t come home yet again, adoption of a teen might not be for you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t until all my kids were launched.